WAT's post on hyposcrisy and all the wonderful replies really got me thinking .<P>Having been only a superficial Catholic most of my life, and at a crossroads of sorts (getting more involved in my church) just prior to this event, I found myself truly examining the extent of my faith. I feel like I've been going back and forth since my H's affair began, turning the other cheek (plan A), and breaking free of the strongholds in my life (H's control and bullying me into him haveit all) (Plan B). And I can never seem to get anywhere.<P>Everytime I have gotton up....and taken steps to put my kids into a more stable environment,(if you don't know my situation...sm.town...affair with married coworker...baby...no decisions from either party...but still working together etc....my H won't give his dependence on her up.)I have felt the wind...<P>Now is no exception. I told my H...best of luck in your "new" life..but the kids and I have a life too, so I am moving back home to more support...<P>So, now my H decides that I am taking his kids away from him and that it is not in their "best interests." He files under unreconcilable differences and puts in a parent plan that gives him 50% custody. He moves from his "antimaterialistic" apt. to a house and furnishes it completely. His mom comes to stay with him to help him get it together.<P>He will fight he says.<P>I pretty much lost it. Not the D part...but constantly being bullied, and being the enemy after a year and a half of protecting my kids from his second life and having whatever the kids and I believe in mocked in full view of this community, including the kids teachers and our friends.<P>Now, I do know what it all looks like to everyone in this community...dysfunction. I just don't think my H thinks that...and I don't think he would believe it if God himself came down and told him...though I keep praying that He will.<P>Anyway....in my despair I was led to the book of Samuel...regarding David's steadfastness against Saul and then his defeat of Golliath...(which I feel I am fighting...me the SAHM "good person and mother" according to my H) against the big powerful (narcissist?) holding all the purse strings and with all the support. David defeated Golliath with a stone and not a sword. Not that I'm looking for defeat, mind you, but does anyone have any suggestions for stones.....because I can feel myself ready to fight with a sword (LB's)<P>

tootrusting:<BR>I will pull my reference book and see what verses are referenced regarding encouragement - I am sure there are many passages. Will try to make it back tonight.<BR>Scuba

I always had a hard time with the idea of swinging back and forth between Plan A... and Plan B.<P>I see it's usual path a Plan A --> Plan B --> separation/divorce.<P>All of the plans (A, B, D ...) are first and foremost to focus in on self...<BR>...not for the sake of "self"...<BR>...but for the sake of "self's relationship with God".<P>Once that relationship has been healed... reconciled... reestablished...<BR>...all other relationship can be built on "solid ground"...<BR>...the plank will be out of our eyes...<BR>...the righteousness of a well formed conscience... can lead to proper discernment... and avoid improper judgment.<P>The <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000288.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Concepts in Christian Scripture</A> post helps me reflect on my journey. My journey of continual conversion.<P>Love to you.<P> <P>Jim

NSR, thanks so much. At this point, my plan B is more of an attempt to remove the kids from what I concider (though I am not totally sure) is not the best environment for them.<P>My H is in a very bad state right now. I realize that, and pray for him daily. In fact, I still seem to be the only one that has any faith in him. Even his family, who are totally against what he has done, has again bailed him out, given him excuses, not truly done the "right" thing... (though they have tried to talk to him)... and they just give me the talk..."I've got to stay and let him have his way, for the sake of the kids"<P>Now, is it in the kid's best interests to have them cry, and beg him to stay, to still ask "why did you leave" "You ruined our life"....my son told him last night "I didn't want you to leave Dad".... NOw my H has no answers for them, and basically blows their emotions off, but will tell them, HE will not be happy if I move away with them, because then HE won't get to see them. It's still all about HIM. <P>I'm at the point NSR...that this isn't about he and OW and their baby. This is about my kids<P>How can I teach them about responsibility, when we are all covering up his lies...all the things he won't deal with.<P>How can you do what is in the best interest of the kids and what is RIGHT also. I'm so afraid that my H is just using the kids. Just wanting them here so he can still avoid his demons. If we are here, he gets to "touch base"...and look like he's a good dad, and still gets to live his no responsibility, fun, secretive life with no questions asked.<P>I am truly at my wits end. I'm not asking him to change back at this point, I am not even asking him to come home. I have forgiven him and set him free. But he is the one who created this torential downpour that has forced so many people to try to decide whether to put on a raincoat or use an umbrella.<P>How can you do what's best...and some things that are right??? all without being self-righteous yourself.<P>I think my next suggestion will be that we all move...to an area that hasn't been so scarred by this behavior. So the kids don't have to live under the weight of it. <P>I'm willing to live next door to him so he can see the kids...even if he has to bring his "new" life with him. But somehow keeping these kids in the wake of all this destruction seems like the wrong thing to do.<P>Anyway, don't worry, I still ask for my own forgiveness daily. After reading Samuel...I was "led" to the book of Jonah.... I think about him being a "weak" messenger of God. That's probably me right now. I have a hard time sharing God's truth without worrying that I am being too self righteous.<P>I also think of Jonah..sitting under the shade of the tree sulking...because he wanted revenge. I'm working on that too.

Hi Tootrusting,<P> What does your attorney say? I would think in your case with everything that has gone on and his abandonment that you would be given the OK to move.Do you have proof of his lack of interest? (number of times he's visited, etc.) ...how about a psychologist who has evaluated your kids and know how they and you are suffering? I can't imagine anyone in their right mind(the courts) would think this is a healthy environment for you and your kids. <P> LU<BR>

tootrusting,<P>Your in a tough situation... there's no doubt about it.<P>The concept of ..."I've got to stay and let him have his way, for the sake of the kids"... is clearly colored... if the influence brought upon the kids is morally objectionable.<P>Should the children see their father... oh yes...<BR>(I will do everything to make sure my kids get to see their mom)...<BR>But if the influence is destructive...<BR>...you have to counter that as best you can.<P>I too have a problem with my xW... A few weeks back she told her son (my stepson who lives with me)... that my stepson's bio-father raped her during their marriage... and then proceded to describe it to him in detail. This has traumatized him! Leave me to deal with even more anger(stepson's) than before. My xW has truly lost all sense of reallity in her vindictiveness... and it is clear that so many WS go through this same destructiveness in all phases of the affair/separation/divorce.<P>Severing contact with their dad is not good...<BR>...but what <B>you</B> (the stability of their lives) need to do...<BR>...for moral upbringing...<BR>...for a better financial stability...<BR>...for protecting them from the scaring of all this...<BR>...is <B>your</B> decision.<P>First and foremost talk to the kids...<BR>...teach them to separate the sin from the sinner...<BR>...it's a hard one... but will help them in the future.<P>We all feel like Jonah at times...<P>My prayers to you.<P> <P>Jim