. <P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Rodger (edited May 01, 2001).]

Roger . . . . "Anything's possible".<P>You can't control other people, how they think or how they feel about things. What are you doing to come to terms with how your wifes actions have affected you? I heard you ask a similar question several weeks ago. Are you finding a way to deal with this?

Hi Ava,<P>Well I haven't found a good way to deal with it yet. I guess I keep reading people's posts looking for someone to say something (I don't know what?) and then my mind says "Oh, that makes a lot of sense, now I totally understand how people can think this way." I guess I haven't found that yet and can't even imagine what anyone could say to stop my mind from thinking about all this. Well it's a pretty strong feeling when a spouse has sex with another person no matter what the reason. I am not actually angry everyday but just something inside me feels uncomfortable (physically about it). But my case is far from unique. I shouldn't really waste people's time or bandwidth by posting. But various people's comments have given me some Emotional support. I definitely needed this a few weeks ago. Hopefully I will need it less and less. It has been a month now.

Rodger,<BR> Yes, a woman can have sex with someone she doesn't like. Actually, I think that is the main physical sexual difference between men and women. As a matter of fact, a man so inclined can have sex with a dead woman, sick as that is.<P> But, anyway, I suspect that there are many, many women out there who are having sex with men they don't like. For instance, the woman who has sex with her boss out of fear of losing her job (yes, I think that still happens a lot!). Fear could be a reason why a woman would have sex with an authority figure....such as a policeman, especially if she is from a culture where woman are not considered to be "equal" to men and are expected to be subservient to men. Then, there's the old guilt factor, too....where a woman is made to feel guilty for not being grateful for a favor that a man does for her.<P>There have been times when I have not wanted to have sex with my husband (because he had been awful to me or because I knew that he was going to insist on a sexual activity that totally turned me off), but did, anyway.<P>You know, Rodger, it might help you to step back from your situation a bit and reflect on other factors about your wife, leaving the infidelity out of the reflection. For example, is she easily intimidated by those in a position of authority? Was she raised to be subservient to men? <P>I think that if you consider your wife's whole personality, you will be better able to determine whether or not she is telling you the truth.<P>That is something I've had to do; unfortunately, I'm even more convinced that my H has not been truthful about his extramarital activities.

rodger, <P>well i have avoided your posts like the plague as i have simply not seen a very realistic way to approach you on this. <P>my answer to your question is quite simply YES it is possible to have completely unemotionally connected sex with another. (as a man who has had sex with more than a 100 women i can attest to that!)<P>i would stongly reccomend that you look at what your fear around all this is, are you really concerned that she betrayed you with this man, if you believe her story (rape, payment whatever) she has been consistant in her approach that she did not desire to be with or to continue to have a relationship with this man. i would propose that your real fear is that she may be capable of doing it again.<P>she has come across the world to be with you, she gave up her family, her culture, many of the things most people take for granted just to be your wife. and that she was forced either physically or by other more complicated emotionaly reasoning to have succomed to this creep is simply a fact of her life. <P>if you live your life obsessed with the notion that what happens to the physical vessle that carries our spirit and not the spirit itself, you will most certainly punish her and yourself for a long time to come. but if you concentrate on the message her heart and soul is sending you, do you believe that she (her spirit) has been unfaithful? and do you believe that she is capable of doing it again? <P>i think having read your posts your answers are unclear because you cannot fathom that she was taken advantage of. let that notion go, there are many many ways to manipulate women into a position of access, I know I pracitced long and hard at it. give her the opportunity to prove that she has the ability to be the most loyal of wives and move forward.<P><P>------------------<BR>in loving service<BR>chaz

Hi Rodger,<P> Yes, a woman can have sex with a man she detests!! I did, with my 1st husband, but I didn't enjoy it!!!<P>------------------<BR>Deb

Hi, Rodger.<P>I haven't posted to you before, but I've read all your posts. At first I thought there was nothing I could say that might help you. That still may be true. <P>My answer to this question....It really doesn't matter.<P>I know what you're trying to do. Although all of our circumstances are a bit (or dramatically) different, we have ALL at one point or another tried UNDERSTAND this mess. Why our spouses did this...how they could do this....what happened to them? We've tried to understand how they could betray us, themselves, ignore their children, tell lies, say mean and hateful things, DO what they did...it doesn't matter what, we have each tried to figure out the why, to come up with some real answers that would help us deal with this.<P>I have an accounting mind. I remember a post of mine very early in this mess, trying to understand, to make sense of it. No anger, just trying to figure it out. I NEEDED that.....I thought.<P>I was wrong. I didn't. As most of us have discovered, there's no explaining. There's no rationalization. Cultural differences, gender differences, regional differences - none of them explain anything. It doesn't have to make sense....it just simply is.<P>You will reach that point, Rodger. The point when you understand that there is nothing that anyone can say, no reason that can ever make you understand why this all happened. Your wife is not the first to be unfaithful with someone they didn't really care for, if that's what happened, and she won't be the last. I know that she does't want to talk about it and that there is a language barrier. That makes it hard. But once you reach the point that you realize your energy doesn't need to be spent trying to figure out WHY, you'll have more peace and more energy to put toward recovery. And that's a big job for both of you in your new life together. You can prevent another affair without understanding all the details of this one.<P>hang in there. This is a natural progression for you. It will get better.<P>Lori

Thank you very much for all who answered my post today. I think today's posts helped me a lot. I am not saying the past posts were not good they helped also. But in my state of thinking today, the posts I received today I think were very helpful. I hate to bother people with my problem because everyone has their own problems. I have tried to help some other people where I can as well. I think this is what this board is all about. Of course it does not erase everything 100% but the people who posted are right, I cannot move forward very far if I keep thinking why? why? why? Yes the other qualities of my wife are good. If she would repeat this, I cannot tell but probably it is not something that I should be obsessed with either.

Hi Rodger-<P>I didn't come here to answer your question-I would have to say NO if you were just asking could I have sex with someone I didn't like. But it looks like most people came here to look at the reason you are asking this-and many other-questions.<P>I know where you are coming from. I haven't read all your posts but I feel what you are feeling deep down.<P>It has been 22 1/2 months since D/Day for me.<P>I felt I had to try to "understand" the why's of it all. It took control of my every thought day after day-month after month-even into a new year.<P>But what these others say-that one day it won't matter-is oh so true!!!! It is impossible to get a grip on how that feels right now. But truly in time you will no longer need those answers.<P>Sadly-this happened to you and all of us here. It hurts like heck.<P>Sadly-it doesn't matter why it happened-it is too late for that. What matters is what you do about it now. And the first person you need to search for answers is yourself.<P>Find a way to feel good about who you are, what you are and who you will be.<P>Then you will begin to get answers to your other questions.<P>Find your own happiness-don't let anyone take thata way from you!<P>I wish you a fast and healthy healing.<P>Hugs-<P><P>------------------<BR>*heartache*<P>"Life's A Dance<BR>You Learn As You Go.<BR>Sometimes You Lead<BR>Sometimes You Follow!<BR>Don't worry 'Bout What You Don't Know<BR>LIfe's A Dance <BR>You Learn As You Go."

Of course it's possible...ask any prostitute. I have many patients from 3rd world countries who were forced to engage with officials, police officers, or anyone threatening their families. This is such a hard concept for those of us living in the land of the free, but it happens. <BR>I don't know all the details, but from what I read of your story, this may be the case. If so, I don't know that you would ever be able to understand the mindset that accompanies living in these countries unless you grew up or lived there yourself.<BR>Sort of a "walk a mile in my moccasins".<BR>T

Hi Roger, <P>Yes, for some who equate sex to just that an act. Then the act of sex can be with someone irregardless of whether you like them or not. Prostitutes or gigolos are perfect examples. <P>On the other hand, for those that equate sex as an act of love or a by product of true love, then the answer is NO. So it depends on what type of person you are. <P>If my life was in jeporady, would I give into sex? That is called rape. Would I go out and look for sex, putting myself in places where I might be accosted or propositioned? Then that is asking to be raped. Hmm.... The difference is the motive. Was it willing or demanded? Would she if given the opportunity here? You need to think where your wife would really draw the line? How many excuses or stories would she tell to justify these occurances? <P>Just my thoughts again. <P>L.<P>

Rodger,<BR>Thanks for posting your question. My situation is different. My W says she just fell to temptation. She was intimate with the tree man, just four days after first meeting him when he came out to give us estimate -- in our house & just after talking to me on the phone & I was on my way home 15 minutes away! Then later she did the tree man's friend who ground out the stumps -- (no pun intended!)<BR>One day she did on in the AM & the other in the PM! They eventually moved to a hotel, but the whole thing has had me in a tissy -- She says she doesn't know did not have emotional attachment -- Physical thing --- she's 48 & going through menapause -- I've read hormonal changes can have effect on male sex hormones in the women.<BR>We've been in recovery since 02/08/01 and I must say that my torchered thoughts and feeling have demenished somewhat.<BR>I want to emphasize that reading the replies you got has given me some help, so again thanks for posting & thanks to all those that responded -- Lostva & Orchid seem to always have great insights! I also love heartache's "Life's a Dance!"<BR>Rodger, Hang in there -- you're not alone in the way you feel.<BR>Peace be with you!<BR>Bob