I think I'm finally accepting the fact that H has some very serious problems, and there is nothing I can do about it. I don't say this with anger or rage, but rather with a deep sadness. I didn't cause his problems and I can't fix them. I tried everything humanly possible to get him into treatment and/or on medication. He refuses.<P>Yesterday, H and I spent the day at the arboretum and had a lovely time. No indication whatsoever that anything was wrong.<P>Then, this morning I had a feeling that something was up. I asked him point blank if he was going to be home tonight. He replied, "Yes". When I said, "Promise?", he replied "Yes" again, then gently squeezed my hand. I had a sickening feeling of dread all day long. Sure enough, I came home to the following note:<P>"Dear Sidney,<BR>I was lying this morning, I'm going out west for a week, I quit my job. I am very unhappy, and in turn I am hurting, and I feel terribly guilty about it. I love you but hate my life. I am causing you great pain which is the reason for my guilt. You are and have been such a good wife, I'm sorry, I am not in control. Please do what is in your best interests without regard for our past, long, relationship. I will only cause you more distress. H"<P>I would bet money that his "trip" includes OW.<P>I have battled this demon for two years now. I am giving him up to God. Please pray for him.<P>

Sidney,<BR>You and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers. Your H reminds me of my H in so many ways in just this single post. I feel your pain and I'm sorry you are going through this.<P>K

(((prayers))))

Dear Sidney,<P>How the pendelum of emotions swings with those in the fog. One day, hour or minute things 'seem' ok, next it is violently wrong. BS's sense it but often are kept too much in the dark to react properly. <P>Your H sounds like mine also. He resigned himself to be with OW because she was as bad as he felt. Of course, he never told her that. She thinks she found her man in shining armor, her soul mate. <P>There was a problem to that guilt trip that H was and is on. While there are real aspects of it (a genuine cry for professional help), there was overtones of deliberately making things worse so that his guilt could be minimized. Then when the real truth (Ow) came out, then the claws of deception started to show. Guilt turned to anger (you caught me in my lies), anger turned to betrayal (I am in love with you but not in love with you, OW & I are meant for each other, we have lots in common - oh yea, I still don't know her real name, if she is married, has children or really anything about her but I really know her well). Maybe really knows body parts but not the real person. <P>Where does that leave the BS? For now out in the cold trying to figure out what happened? Until you are brought into the inner circle of knowledge, there is little you can do from the outside. For yourself, in the meantime, you can begin to build your support system of friends, family, co-workers, children, neighbors, site members, counselor, etc.) You'd be surprised how many around you have either gone through the same thing or know a lot about it. The books, writeups and questionnaires are helpful. The Harley's phone sessions are very helpful. <P>When your H is ready to face reality, you will be ready to offer support &/or better see how to help your H. While never being fully prepared, you are able by reviewing the experiences of others, somewhat know what you are about to face. <P>My H said a lot of the same things in the note from your H. H was upset that he ruined his life on a thought that I did not love him. He tried to convince himself that was true since he had a strong desire to taste sex outside of marriage just in case he thought he was missing out on something. <P>Now almost 4 months after he moved out and 5 months after d/d, he is asking to come home. A lot of damage has been done, a lot of work needs to be done. I am not sure how much H is willing to do. But I am more prepared now to handle whatever the outcome is. Thanks to this site and my support (along with God's help) I have been given the strength and insight to put value and respect back into myself and my family. Now we stand on solid ground ready to assist H if he is willing to come back for the right reasons and the righr way. This is a big struggle for H, he is currently reviewing what we discussed tonight. <P>In the meantime, pray for a calm heart and a clear mind. Keep yourself as busy as possible. Let your H know you are willing to be his friend for now and that you want him to get better. <P>Hope this helps. <P>L.

Sidney,<P>My heart goes out to you!!!! I know how much you have done to try to save this marriage. Please go back and read Dr Harley's Q&A on alcoholism. I know that drinking is not your H's primary problem, but I think there are parallels. Your H has definite problems that can be helped, but her just refuses to get the treatment and then stick with the recovery plan. That is compounding his issues and making him feel that things are totally unsolvable. Maybe by re-reading some of these, you can have a better understanding.<P>Maybe it is time for Plan B again. This time - a real Plan B - no contact, no visits, no calls. You have done so very much, but he needs to do some things to help himself. Both you and the OW are each meeting some of his needs. If you go to a true Plan B, he won't have you to rely on anymore. Currently, you are always there for him, and maybe that disincentivizes him to do the really "hard" work that he must do. Consider Plan B, Sidney. As much for yourself as well as the last chance for Mike to really do what he needs to do for himself personally, as well as for your marriage.<P>I am praying for you, friend!<P>Luv ya, Desiree<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Sidney,<BR>I'm so sorry.<P>Giving him up to God is never the wrong choice, in my opinion.<P>Take care.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things." Phil 4:8

Oh, Sidney, I am so sorry.<P>Lori

Thanks K & Sing, I appreciate your prayers.<P>Hi Orchid. We, too, have gone the separation route. H moved out for six months to be closer to OW. He told me it was over and wanted to come back home. All I can say is, be careful! His OW is very manipulating and gave him a cellphone to keep in contact with her. In hindsight I don't think he ever fully intended to end it. Over the last 18 months, I have read volumes on this topic. I don't think I really began to heal until I was able to withdraw my focus from him and put it back on me. I am a much stronger person now and I know in my heart that whatever happens, I will be okay.<P>Hi Desiree. So good to hear from you again! Yes, Plan B is definitely the way for me. Your comments about addiction are right on. In fact, I've told H that living with him isn't much different than living with a drug addict. His behavior is impulsive, compulsive and irrational. He agrees he's out of control, yet he won't do anything about it. And you are so right about me always being there for him. I've also thought about that and the fact that it's probably inhibiting him from getting help. I'm his enabler. So, I have to think of a way to keep him out of the house. I've been pondering the idea of getting the locks changed again. This weekend I have plans of boxing up all his personal effects and putting them into the garage where he can get to them. Then leave a nice Plan B letter taped to the front door. I just cannot allow him to continue to run roughshod over me. After getting over the initial shock (which by the way gets faster & faster!), I actually have waves of relief. Driving home every day in a state of apprehension is beginning to take it's toll. Thanks for the advise. It really helps. Hope things are going well with you.<P>Thanks Lor & Lori!! <P>

I'm so sorry about your husband's turn of events. It is so hard to understand how they think or why they won't get help when they must know they need it! Take care. I know this takes a toll. Take care yourself.