Here is my story:<BR>A month ago I found out my husband was having an affair. He was out of town on a project and I opened the cell phone bill and saw a number over 100 times in a month. Then, on a credit card bill was an airline ticket flying her up there for a week. I was and am completely devastated. We have been married only 3 years but together for 10. I will admit we were having major intimacy problems and not having sex very often at all and I knew this bothered him as it did me. Other than that things were wonderful so I guess this was just something I kept thinking we would eventually adress. I never dreamed in a million years he would do this. In the past month we have started counseling. He is still on that project and it is suppose to end this week. An 8 week project out of town! He is going to counseling as well. He tells me he wants our marriage to work but doesn't know if it can. He feels like he has ruined any change of recovering from this and damaged it beyond repair. He is also scared that if we do get through the affair that we will go back to the way things were and he says he can't live without the intimacy and felt like he was living with his best friend. I want the intimacy too and will do whatever I need to in order to address the problem. However, I am not getting the re-assurances from him. He just keeps saying that things seem beyond repair and seems to be wallowing in misery. I am going crazy with worry. As of two weeks ago he says he has called it off with this girl. How do I know? How do I trust him? PLEASE any advice you have would be helpful. I feel like I am going crazy and walking on eggshells because I want this to work. He told me he had broken it off with her a week after I found out. He was lying. Now he says he has and that I just have to try to believe him. The therapist thinks he has. HOW DO I KNOW? Just wait for the next cell phone bill and I hope I get it before he does? I hate being and feeling like this!<P>My question is: Should I call the OW? This will make my H so mad and I really don't want to make things worse but I don't know how else to find out.....

I myself wouldn't call her. That would make him angry at and towards you. Look at the cell bill, credit card bills, etc. and confront him with issues that look out of the ordinary to you. You will know whether or not he is telling the truth in due time.

I myself wouldn't call her. That would make him angry at and towards you. Look at the cell bill, credit card bills, etc. and confront him with issues that look out of the ordinary to you. You will know whether or not he is telling the truth in due time.

I wouldn't call the ow. This will make him extremely angry. He wants you to TRUST him. I know that this is very difficult to do. Until you can trust him, maybe you could try to "act as if" you do trust him.<P>He is in counselling. I think that is a positive step.<BR>Try to stop snooping. Focus on repairing your marriage. Your H may need some more time to feel comfortable with you. I am sure that he doesn't feel very good about what he did. Work on yourself and make changes to yourself and how you react to him. This will surely make him react differently towards you. Try to become the woman you were, when he met you. Show him that you love him but dont smother him.

Hi, its me again<P>I just noticed on another thread that you said you want to know everything about her. You asked should I keep harping on this? My answer is a great big NO! I can understand you wanting to know this info. I really can. But, what are you going to get from it? Will it improve you or your relationship? Will it make you feel better?<P>It is my belief that if you do harp on these things, that you are going to push him straight back to her. You can bet that the ow doesnt harp at him and ask him uncomfortable questions.<P>There can be a time for this, but, I dont think the time is right, yet.<P>This is based on my experience, anyway.

Hello AP,<BR>No, you really do not want to call the OW. <BR>Have you read the Harely info on this site? Any of the books? If not, I would do that asap-it will help you tremendously right now. Read the articles on no-contact and follow the examples for writing the letter. You can always post it here for critiquing-many here are happy to share what has helped them and what was a disaster! <BR>Take advantage of the wealth of wisdom on this site. <BR>Look at the Policy of Joint Agreement. IT IS A BIGGIE! <BR>Look at the Emotional Needs.<BR>This is a very tough time for you. The road will likely remain pretty rough for a while, but the marriage can recover from an affair. Lots of us are living proof! Tell your h it can happen, but it is a lot of work for both of you. <BR>Dont call the OW, dont worry abt what she looks like, what she does, where she works, what ehr voice sounds like, kind of car che drives, etc. It will do you no good during the recovery. It is natural to be curious, but the FOCUS is on recovering the marriage, not on the ow.<BR>(((((hugs))))) cl<P>

adviceplease:<P>I did call the OW and scared her She wanted an easy affair and a wife who wouldn't fight for H. When she heard from me it made her think twice. Of course, this is not professional advice, just what I did. JK

I'm not sure I have any advice, but I can tell you what happened in my situation.<P>I was there--answered the phone actually--when OMW called my W (WS). The phone conversation was very one-sided. OMW told my W to leave him alone, she loved her H and she planned to fight for her marriage. My W was pretty much speechless. But at least she knew--and so did I--that the OM had someone in his lfe that cared for him and was not resigned to letting him go.<P>It has been three weeks since that conversation and my W claims there has been no contact.<P>My W is still sitting out waiting for some inspiration or something to commit to our marriage. But she knows someone is out there fighting for OM.<P>I don't know if this helpd but it is one person's experience.<BR>