Here is my story:<BR>A month ago I found out my husband was having an affair. He was out of town on a project and I opened the cell phone bill and saw a number over 100 times in a month. Then, on a credit card bill was an airline ticket flying her up there for a week. I was and am completely devastated. We have been married only 3 years but together for 10. I will admit we were having major intimacy problems and not having sex very often at all and I knew this bothered him as it did me. Other than that things were wonderful so I guess this was just something I kept thinking we would eventually adress. I never dreamed in a million years he would do this. In the past month we have started counseling. He is still on that project and it is suppose to end this week. An 8 week project out of town! He is going to counseling as well. He tells me he wants our marriage to work but doesn't know if it can. He feels like he has ruined any change of recovering from this and damaged it beyond repair. He is also scared that if we do get through the affair that we will go back to the way things were and he says he can't live without the intimacy and felt like he was living with his best friend. I want the intimacy too and will do whatever I need to in order to address the problem. However, I am not getting the re-assurances from him. He just keeps saying that things seem beyond repair and seems to be wallowing in misery. I am going crazy with worry. As of two weeks ago he says he has called it off with this girl. How do I know? How do I trust him? PLEASE any advice you have would be helpful. I feel like I am going crazy and walking on eggshells because I want this to work. He told me he had broken it off with her a week after I found out. He was lying. Now he says he has and that I just have to try to believe him. The therapist thinks he has. HOW DO I KNOW? Just wait for the next cell phone bill and I hope I get it before he does? I hate being and feeling like this!<P>My question is: Should I call the OW? This will make my H so mad and I really don't want to make things worse but I don't know how else to find out.....

Dear adviseplease:<P>I am so sorry you have to go through this. When I found out about my husband's affair, I thought my life was over. I was depressed, lost 35 pounds, and felt lifeless. We had just celebrated 10 years of marriage and taken a trip to Hawaii. We are high school sweethearts.<P>Don't expect a truthful answer from the OW if you call her. First of all, I don't think at this early stage you should have any contact with her. But if you do, she will only lie to you and you won't know whether she IS telling you the truth anyway. Affairs are based on lies, so how could you be sure she is telling you the truth?<P>Read the book SAA if you haven't already. And be prepared for a long,hard road to recovery. But I must say that you will find a renewed faith in God and become a stronger person through all of this. And yes, your marriage will be different but probably stronger because you will work harder at meeting the needs of your H and if he is truly committed to you he will work hard at meeing yours so that something like this doesn't happen again.<P>Again, if it were me, I would not contact OW yet and I would believe your H until you find out otherwise. I know it's hard to believe them now, but if you're patient then you will find answers, one way or the other.

Hello,<BR>Don't do it I am in the same boat, and want so badly to call the OW but it will just make things worse between you and H. Just take his word for now and follow his lead that is all we can do. I do feel like I am at the end of my rope,<BR>my H answer to everything is I don't know, we keep going up and down. I will say prayers for you that God gives you the courage you need to get through this. Believe me I know every day is a different emotion and it is so hard when they feel like it's to late. Keep the faith

Hi,<P>No, you should not call the OW. You KNOW it will make things worse in your marriage, and you can be assured that she will not tell the truth. If she was a good, honest person she would not have been involved in the affair.<P>Focus on your husband, and do not give the OW any more control over your life. Neither of you should contact her, except to send a letter telling her that there will be no more contact at all.<P>Peppermint

... Hope this helps, octavia99<p>[This message has been edited by octavia99 (edited April 30, 2001).]