My H and I are very open and honest about everything since this affair came to light last March. He tries to tell me everything he does concerning the OW. I tell him I expect honesty if we ever want to rebuild what we have. Unfortunately, he is still "seeing" her and living at home with me and our three kids. <P>So today he took the kids shopping for Mother's Day and low and behold he said "yes, I got something for her", but "it's just a watch so it doesn't mean anything". Yes it does mean that he plans to still be involved with her during Mother's Day.<P>I posted earlier today that I can see the "natural death" theory happening. But it's times like these when I could scream. I hate it that he shops for two families and tries to divide his time between two families. I need that fog to lift. Patience is over-rated sometimes. But I can stand it as long as I have to with God on my side. I know that his family (me and his kids) are the best thing for him and he says he knows it too, but that he doesn't know how to let go of her. So I guess I just muddle through the gift giving. No LB's just more Plan A so that he will see I am his true "soul mate" and the best person for him.<P>But I'm wondering if there is such a thing as being to honest. On one hand I would hate it if he bought her something and didn't tell me and I found out later (like during the A when I was in the dark about the relationship), or if it's harder to know everything he does for her. He tells me everything, or at least he says he tells me everything.<P>Thoughts, please?

I would go nuts! I don't really have any advice other than to say you must be a wonderful woman. I lacked patience during that time when his fog wasn't quite lifted. I look back now and wish I had done things very differently. Surely he will feel the amount of love and devotion you have for him before you do go crazy. Only you know how much you can withstand without total resentment destroying the love you have for him.

Thanks Janie,<P>H tells me alot of his friends say that I am amazing for sticking with him through this. Sometimes I don't know if it's being amazing or crazy. But I do still love him and according to the Harley's, if there's love in the bank then that a reason to keep trying.<P>I want my marriage to work and he says he does too. I will go on by the grace of God. He knows what's best if I trust and believe that God is working things out in His time not ours.<P>Keep praying for me and all those on this site.

I just think your whole situation is really sad. I'm not so sure that a fog ever lifts if your allowed to have two women/families. I think there are certain religions and times where people did this for years only under one roof and I doubt the men ever complained. A watch is a very personal gift and the fact that he can tell you all about gifts he buys his lover and the fact that you know she goes from her bed to yours still just floors me. But I think it was you that commented that you like where you are financially so you'll continue in this marriage. I do agree with the Plan A to some extent that is discussed on this board but I truly believe that by the time the storm is over in your marriage your husband will have lost all respect for you. It's impossible to respect somebody that doesn't respect themself. Please believe me, I'm not picking on you....I just sometimes wonder if your posts are a joke.

Sing, you are to be commended for your faith in God that all things will work out. Look to God for strength and he will carry you through this difficult time! <P>I went through some pretty bad stuff over the last year, but never had to deal with H buying the OW gifts and telling me about it. I'm not sure how I would have handled that.....<P>If your marriage is meant to work out, then it will. It may be a long tough road, but you will reap the benefits of trying your hardest!<P>Hang in there, and come here to gain the support that you need. My heart goes out to you, sing. I will keep you and your family in my prayers!!

singagain~<P>I have to agree with BonnieSept that he is getting his cake and eating it. He has the love of two women. <P>BonnieSept gave me some advice awhile back on the second d-day. She stated that as long as I enable my husband he would go back and forth. <P>Granted I didn't know my husband had restarted his affair. I would have never allowed myself to stay with him if I did. Upon the second discovery I moved out of my house and did a short plan "B". It was short because my husband took a stand for our marriage. I was ready and started to move on with my life without him in it. It was going to be tough financially, but worth my sanity. <P>We are now 8 months on rebuilding and things are so much better. Please remember Plan "A" is about yourself and improving and showing your husband the person you will in the event you remain together. I also know if my husband would ever have an affair again I am stronger person today knowing I don’t need my husband, I want him in my life to enjoy each other.<P>I don’t know your situation, so I can’t tell you what is best only you know what you can withstand. I truly understand the pain. Stay strong for yourself and children. <P>I have to say that you are very strong to hear what your husband does regarding the ow. It hurt to hear about the ow in our case. To me I know too much and still have triggers I deal with on a daily basis.<P>I am glad I gave my husband a second chance because things are much better then they have been in a long time. I hope and pray this is something you will be writing or posting here.<P>I wish you the best,<BR>Judy<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by bighope (edited April 18, 2001).]

Harley says most affairs end within 6 mos- 2 years after being exposed to the light of day or something like that. I don't know who knows of his affair besides you but the 6 mo-2 years might not apply. There was one poster here whose H affair lasted 11 years back and forth between her and the OW. And some affairs don't end if you have ever read over on the Divorcing forum. I could never do what you are doing but you feel it's worth it. Even Dr Harley recommends only a 3-6 month time frame for Plan A. <P>If your marriage is not restored will you feel it was worth going thru all this?

Sing, <BR>I don't want to come off as judgemental in ANY WAY. BUT are you out of your mind????? A year??? and you are still in plan A. You don't understand Harleys principals> There's a thread here somewhere that deals with how long should we stay in plan A? <BR>Please sweety, look it up!!! Kick his but out the door while you still have any esteem left for your self!!!! Plan a will drain your self image!!! Please sister, Gods view of marriage is honorable. He doesa not expect us to be a non stop door mat. We should not make Gods arrangement a mockery. If he is REPENTANT of his sin then you he will stop his conduct.<P>Again not judgemental...just been there and now I know better. <BR>Much love to you...d2k

hi sing,<BR>hang in there friend. You are doing great with plan a.<BR>We are here for you to vent to, and one reason is so that you can still plan a your h! <BR>Ouch, it does hurt when they are so dang inconsiderate. Amazing what they do sometimes during and after the affairs. Hmmmm, someone on this board still has the cyber fry pan that we pass around to bop those that are lost. Think Deb might be in possession, but she should share. <BR>Look for the postives. cl

Hi there <P>IF he really wants help on how to get rid of her (I mean, he did pose this question to you, right?) I would suggest to him that first things first-return the watch. Explain to him it is inappropriate to buy things for her, and you are very glad he told you, but this is not a road to recovery. Tell him that it does make yo hurt and disappointed that he did not show a little more self control.<P>Then, I would sit him down and serve him a nice meal. OH yes, one that he will enjoy completely and fully. Watch him eat, chewing each bite with the same lust and desire that he nibbles on her her with. Then, I would offer him a <I>drink</I>..oh yesssss...<BR>I would watch him sip away at every drop as I secretly smile and savour the knowledge that it is laced with poison...<BR>And then I would send the OW a nice letter saying how "Sorry I am that things didn't work out"<BR>And then we would both be rid of this sick, uncommitted "husband"....and even if I do get caught, heck, 7 or 8 years in a cushiony prision comapred to the lifetime sentence I would give myself by staying married to him...<P>(sorry, going off on a tangent here)<P>I really, really strongly believe that you must be a super plastic woman, with no real emotions or feelings.<BR>IF MY H came home with a watch for his mistress, I wouldn't be posting about it, I would be off to a lawyer.<BR>I am going upstairs to hug my H now.<BR>Sorry I a mnot upbeat and motivational, I believe in plan A's and sticking it through, but sometimes, that fog is too thick....<P>Carina

Hello,<P> Yes, it is my frying pan, and I do share!! It's cast iron and maybe sing would like to borrow it! Ha Ha<P> In fact I will gonk him for her, if she wants me to.<P> Hugs and Prayers to you sing!!<P> <P>------------------<BR>Deb

Hi, Sweetie.<P>Just for the record...<P>I plan A'd while my H was at home after d-day and he was still seeing her - I asked him to tell me when he was gonna be with her. Once he even called and asked if it was ok for him to spend the night with her 'cause he was too tired to drive home....uhh....no. <P>I Plan a'd after my husband moved out of our home and in with PT - for 7 months.<P>I honestly don't know how much longer I would have done it. He only once during that time mentioned coming home and it was just part of a passing thought. Mostly he just said he was getting a divorce. But I was no where NEAR done with Plan A when he finally DID ask to come home. He's been home more than a year now and we're doing well.<P>I did not lose respect for myself. Only you know what toll this is taking on you. Only you know your h. Only you know what seems right to you and, though I do agree, in theory, with many different approaches to saving marriages, I myself used a hybrid that felt right for me. <P>I believe everyone must do the same. If you're convinced that Plan A, Plan B is right, then give it all you've got. if, like me, you're not, then you do what you believe is best. No guarentees either way, although the Harley method has a great track record.<P>Hang in there,<P>Lori