Here is a question. I dont think my wife has told her family that she is persueing a married man, and that is one of the cause of our divorce. I think that she just told them that we are not getting along, and that a divorce was necessary. Part of me really doesnt care what she says about me, cause i know the truth. But i really love her parents and i dont want them to think bad about me. And it makes me mad to think that she will be bringing this guy around her parents and they will have no idea that he was a married man that she divorced me for.<BR>So...should i call them and tell them? It would probally hurt her moms feelings. Cause her mom is already upset that we are divorcing. But the vindictive part of me tells me to tell them so it will make her and her new man uncomfortable when they are around her family.<BR>I just feel that she is getting off scott free with out any pain or sadness.<P>------------------<BR>Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.

Hello,<P> Eventually, they will figure it out on their own. My D is a WS, and we are not on speaking terms. She left her H and 3 babies!!<P>------------------<BR>Deb

I'm sure your W has not told her family the truth. What I'm NOT so sure about is that she'll be bringing her MM to meet her family any time soon - after all, she doesn't even know if this man is going to leave his W and family for her (and I suspect he won't). I doubt he'd be comfortable meeting her family under the present circumstances.<P>As far as you telling them, I guess it depends on how close you are with them. Have they asked you any questions about the divorce?<P>

BioMan:<P>If I were in your shoes, the first thing I would tell your wife is that you're more than willing to do anything to work on your marriage (assuming that you are), but you're unwilling to give her a divorce. So you will contest it.<P>At this point, I'd probably sit down with your in-laws, and let them know that you love their daughter, and that you're not willing to divorce her. That you're willing to do anything to work on the marriage. If they ask "what's going on", I would be upfront with them (both on what you've done to damage the marriage, as well as what your wife is doing).<P>It will be a lovebuster, but if she's pursuing divorce, she's escelated it past the "no disclosure" stage.

K: <BR>i have told her in the begining that i didnt want a divorce. but in order for us to work on things i asked her to distance herself from that guy at the gym. And she told me she cant and wont do that. So she filed for the divorce. And yes i have signed all the paper work that she has sent me. We have no kids, not assest, it is not going to be a very messes divorce. The only thing is i do still love her. And i have told her millions of times. the only thing she tells me is that I think im in love with her. And she says that what i feel is not really love.<P>Susie7753:<BR>They have not asked me about the divorce, she told me that she told them about the MM, but i doubt it. I am pretty close to them, yet i dont want to make it seem like I am telling on her. I dont want to look like a 5 yr old child.<P><P>------------------<BR>Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.

I would take K's approach. Good luck.

I vote for K's approach as well.

tough place to be!<P>contest the divorce, her vision of love is the living in a fog youll see discussed here. <P>in the fantasy world she is in the love she feels for this guy is more intense and powerful than you could likely imagine, however that love will be short lived and she will see that the love you have shown even in her most disasterous of decisions is really the love she desires.<P>tell her parents!! are you nuts!!!<BR> <BR>tell her parents that you love their D<BR>tell her parents that you want support of marriage<BR>tell her parents that you will not be rolling over on the commitment you made to their D<P>if you want your wife to have a life long problem with her parents tell them about her man. if you want a life long issue in your marriage sully the image of your wife in her parents mind. that will definately do it.<P>be forgiving and loving, give her enough rope to discover what "love" is and when she see's that you are still there, even though, and that you were TRUE to her and her reputation then she will feel loved.<P>wishing you strength my friend<BR><P>------------------<BR>in loving service<BR>chaz

I agree with K's approach too.<P>I told my in-laws also, because I had a very close relationship with them, and wanted them to be very clear that I still loved their son, and was not acting like a crazed psycho woman when I asked him to move out when I discovered his affair.<P>In some cases, it could be considered a love buster, but if you do it like K said, I don't think so.<P>You will probably find that your inlaws become an ally for your marriage.<P>--BR

HIYA-<P>It is ahrd fro me to say what you ought to do when I don't know anyone involved. So I will share my past experience.<P>I divorced my ex in 1988 after 13 1/2 years of marriage. We never should have been <P>His whole family knew that he fought with me non-stop. They all knew he drank way too much. They knew he was doing drugs. They also knew I loved him adn I spent endless hours crying-wanting so bad for my life to take shape and get better. It never did while I was with him.<P>Finally I met a guy going through a similar situation. I told my exH I was feeling confused and we needed to split. We did-and he asked his family at that time to "not think poorly of me".<P>Last year the younger of my two sons from marriage #1 told his dad he hated him. He told him he couldn't ever tlak to him-that dad was always yelling. In June 2000 there was a wedding on the ex's side of the family-I WAS NOT THERE. Evidently at this wedding my former sister in law sat my oldest son down and asked if he felt the same way towards his dad that is younger brother did. My olest said he didn't hate dad but didn't like a lot of things about him. My former SIL then went on to say how I did this and I did that and that he only hears one side of the story and so on. My oldest was shocked and upset. He came to me asking if there were things he didn't know that maybe he needed to know.<P>What I am getting to here is that it won't maybe matter if you are 100% perfect-blood is thicker than water.<P>I agree with the other help offered you-tell your W family how much you love her and so on-don't go into what she is doing. They will find out one day on their own and they will form whatever opinion they want.<P>Sadly.......some people wear fog filled glasses.<P>Best wishes <P><P>------------------<BR>*heartache*<P>"Life's A Dance<BR>You Learn As You Go.<BR>Sometimes You Lead<BR>Sometimes You Follow!<BR>Don't worry 'Bout What You Don't Know<BR>LIfe's A Dance <BR>You Learn As You Go."

Hi Bioman,<P>You have asked a question for which there is never a standard pat answer. All our responses are based on what we are reading and what we have experienced. Ultimately, it will be your decision and be prepared for the consquences. <P>Some factors that may help is the outlook of those you may be speaking to. Where are their values and loyalties? Some parents refuse to acknowledge that their children can do wrong. A few are the opposite and most are in the middle. <P>Weigh your factors closely. My opinion is to tell is you think they can handle it. Tell out of concern. Show you are hurt and if they can help you show your appreciation.<P>I would like to 'briefly' (don't laugh all of you out there that already know how I like to post long stories) relate my experience abou t my I-Ls (in-laws). Both I-Ls have had A's in the past. Both I-Ls spoke to their son and told him they loved him but could not condone his conduct. Both I-Ls told H they loved H's family (son & I) and will stick with us. <P>The turning point for me was my MIL told me she recently came out of an 11 year affair. That was why she did not like me for so long. That was why she treated her children (10 of them) along with X-h (FIL) with so much contempt. <P>Now MIL is a nice person, supportive and a new person. H has regressed to his mom's previous condition. <P>I did ask my I-L's for their emotional support. They have been there for us and do respect our wishes and decisions. I am glad to have been able to share this situation with them. Without their support, it would have been more difficult for me. <P>Again, the decision is yours, you will not know unless you try. Be prepared for the worse and hope for the best. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<BR>