Three days ago my husband discovered my affair of 6 months with a coworker. He has totally closed himself off to me and will not talk about it. Although I know he is deeply hurt, I have not seen him cry, nor has he yelled at me or expressed his feelings in any way other than to coldly ignore me. The only thing he will say is that he needs time to think about what he wants to do. This kind of emotional closed-up-ness drives me crazy; it is one of the main things that drew me to another man. I am very sorry for hurting him, and my marriage and family (we have a two-year-old son) are very important to me. I am willing to give up the OM to work on my marriage, but my husband is not willing to admit that his emotional and physical withdrawal from me has been a major problem in our marriage. I am not even sure he will decide to stay in our marriage Meanwhile, for the past few days I can't eat, can't sleep without pills and am crying all the time. I feel lost, hopeless and devastated. What can i do to prove to him that we could be happy again and that I love him?

That's exactly how my ex reacted when he found about my affair. A few days later I was served divorce papers. Do you have a church you belong too? Maybe your husband would feel comfortable talking to someone there? You mentioned that you'd be willing to cut all contact off with the OM. Have you done that already and does your husband know that you've done that?

Oh yes....one more thing. Would your husband read articles if they were given to him since he refusing to talk to you right now? What if you were to print things off from this site or even encourage him to participate on here?

We are (sadly) not affiliated with a church right now. In fact, my husband has a lot of questions about God and religion and has not had good experiences with church in the past. The OM knows that I want to save my marriage. We do work together though, and have not worked out a plan to totally avoid contact there. I have told my husband I am willing to get a new job, but he says he doesn't want me to, since my salary is good and my part-time schedule allows me to be with our son. You didn't say if your marriage was saved, or ended in divorce...

Maybe write your husband a long long letter to explain everything to him and then say you will answer any and all questions and say a million times what a mistake this was and how you want to keep this marriage forever. Don't blame him for it being his fault but do mention that his actions did bother you and maybe he can be mature enough to understand it a little. It is very hard to describe the feeling of a devastated husband. He has no more purpose in life. Perhaps if the husband is to blame for bringing this on he can be less devastated, I don't know. But if I was a mature intelligent husband then I would appreciate a long long note and maybe many of those from my wife. But what is done is done and you cannot go back in time. Actually my wife wishes I would not talk about it and I want to talk about it but can't. How do you expect your husband should react? He is maybe in shock and depression mode. These things take time to recover from. I think he has no idea how he should react at this moment. Probably he is going crazy wondering why? Wondering if he should , could or would ever have a retaliation affair? Wondering if he should stay or go? Wondering if the marriage can be saved? Wondering if it can ever happen again? ALl these things should be addressed. My wife said she was comfortable with whatever decision I made towards her. Which didn't give me a lot of comfort since it said she could take me or leave me. I chose to stay but the suffering is incredible (smile on the outside but suffer inside). But the divorce case I feel is worse. I think being honest , honest and honest and acknowledging that this was very wrong is the best thing.

Calla, sit down and write him a long letter and let him know you love him and want to work on the marriage. Suggest joint counseling to him and if he isn't willing to go to counseling, see if he will work with you with some of the Harley Books. His Needs/Her Needs was an eye opener for me. It sounds as if you both have needs that haven't been met by the other. Best wishes and good luck.

Oh Calla,<P>Been there, lived that, will tell you what I didn't do, and believe me that will help you -- because I did get a divorce in the end.<P>Quit your job. No matter what your H says, he wants you out of there. I *did* what my then-H *said* and stayed, and BOY WAS THAT A MISTAKE!!!<P>Every day I saw the OM. Every day my H said goodbye to me knowing I would see the OM. It's like taking salt and rubbing it in every day.<P>You aren't over your OM yet, or you would not be "talking about devising a plan of no contact". I don't mean to be rude, but I am being blunt. I suspect you have not gone through withdrawl yet (from him) and WON'T until you can be away from him.<P>You might wonder how long I stayed, etc. For a year. Yep, a whole year. My then-H went nutso-crazo for a whole year and eventually had a couple of affairs to either pay me back, or to ease his pain, or maybe he wasn't thinking at all. I honestly don't know at this point.<P>As long as that OM is in the picture... you cannot forget... and unless you make HUGE, HUGE, HUGE changes that show your H you mean to work out your marriage (and that might mean giving your H access to your work email account, IM accounts, and an open invitation to visit you at any time -- esp. at lunch time if your affair was like mine -- then MAYBE you can stay awhile... but I wouldn't do it anyway.<P>Any thoughts about what I'm saying so far??? I don't want to drown you with my advice.<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck

Calla, you're where I was 4 months ago. My H also reacted badly when he discovered my A and left me over the Christmas holidays to visit his family out of state. Like you, I couldn't eat or sleep. All I could think about was what I'd done and how badly I'd hurt my H.<P>Tell your H how sorry you are, that you love him, and that you want to make the marriage work. Even if he doesn't respond initially, keep telling him. Also, try to see a counselor ASAP. If your H won't go with you, go alone. That's what I did and my H later agreed to go with me.<P>I know what you're going thru right now - you feel as if you've made the biggest mistake of your life and you feel awful for hurting your H. In time, you'll learn to forgive yourself - I'm not totally there yet, but I'm coming along.<P>If your H loves you (and I'm sure he does) there's a very good chance that he'll be willing to rebuild the marriage once he has a chance to think things through. Just give him some time.<P>Recovering from your A will be VERY hard work for the both of you, and believe me it IS hard. But if you believe in yourselves and your marriage, it can be done.<P>I wish you strength. {{{{{{{{BIG HUG}}}}}}}}}}

Thank you all for your kind words of advice and encouragement...I certainly need all I can get. I had considered the idea of writing letters to him, and it must be a good thing to do because a few of you suggested it as well. I will write in a notebook that I can put in his car so he can read it privately.<P>My biggest problem is going to be breaking my addiction to the OM. He has been giving me so much emotionally, making me feel needed, important, and desirable again, things I have not been getting from my husband in a long time. And even though I know that I want my marriage to work, I can see that for a time I will have to give up having ANY of my emotional needs met (a thing that scares me to death), because my H is not going to instantly be loving or affectionate even with the OM out of the picture, since all he feels right now is hurt and anger toward me. And yes, I definitely feel that I have to quit my job, even though H says not to. Otherwise, when I am lonely and the going gets tough, the temptation will be great to run to the OM.<P>Please keep your kind words coming, I feel a little calmer and better already, like I've just made some new friends...

calla, I'm speaking out of turn here, not being in your shoes, but my gut instinct says, be patient. Your husband has only had this knowledge for 3 days. That's 36 hours! You have long ago digested so much more. You have some idea why you went outside your marriage, you have come to know yourself and what your EN's are. From what I have learned, no matter how devastated you are, he is also, if not more! You were very brave in being truthful. You risked alot. It's very possible you will reap rewards, but they won't be flowing in just yet. Patience, and best of luck<BR>Robyn

Calla30<BR>This is me to a tee. I think what helped repair our marriage (and my husband has the same type of personality as yours) is that I took concrete steps that he could see to make sure there was no contact. I had the OM called into my boss' office and in front of me, a witness and my boss, he was told to end all contact with me. I had my father call and tell him under no circumstance should he ever even say hello to me again. The next thing I did was every day demonstrated some special way that I love him. Nothing big, but some again concrete validation. Finally, time helped. He filed for divorce, child support was set-he had a retaliation affair and now a 1 1/2 years has past and we are "in recovery". It is difficult at first to understand the devastation you have done to your husband. My husband told my mother-in-law that "I broke his heart."-from a man who could not express love easily, this hurt me to the core. It sounds like you are still waiting for something he can't give you-the emotional response. What I had to learn is that just because he doesn't react the way I would, or that I wanted him to, doesn't make it wrong. It just makes him different then you and that is ok. I will give you an example to hopefully show you I understand-the first 7 years we were married, my husband never once said "I love you". It probably made me vulnerable-yes, but what I did was certainly no way to solve it and I had no right. If you truly love this man, realize it will take time, more time than I expected...and be willing to pay the price of your actions awhile. I've been on both ends now and it sucks (pardon my french-but it does). Good luck-I believe true love prevails...keep in touch!

calla and others as well, in order to prove you love to your husbands how many of you would agree to a continuation of your marriage where husbands says that he will stay, not mistreat you or disrespect you in any way, but there will be no affection for a long time maybe years, maybe never. could you do it, and would you try just in order to show that he and family come first in your life from this point on? thanks for giving this serious consideration

Hi joell,<P>I am of the mind, and there are many who disagree, that marriage without affection (physical, sexual) is not a marriage UNLESS there is a *diagnosed* reason.<P>I understand that there may be mental concerns (rape, for example) or physical ones (erectile dysfunction)... but...<P>...in the absense of those, no, I would not attempt to work it out in that case.

I stayed in a relationship for 6 years, the last 3 of those years, there was no sex. His choice, not mine. I tried everything to bring us closer. I finally left after 3 years of celibacy. But you know what? I did not go outside the relationship in those 3 years. People may think I'm crazy for staying so long, but I am proud of the attempt.

joell,<BR>is your husband saying there will be no love and affection because he JUST found out about your affair? He may not be able to see the future right now...maybe he can't picture being able to be loving again, because he is too hurt. It sounds like you need to give him time.<P>But if this is not your situation and your husband doesn't think he can be loving for some other reason, then no, I'd say it's NEVER a good idea to stay in a loveless marriage for years, where both partners are not actively trying to rebuild the marriage. Only you can guess if he's saying this to you out of pain or for some other reason.<P>Don't know if this helps, but...

calla<BR>Speaking from the position of the wounded spouse, I will suggest some ways for you to reach your husband. My husband did these things and it helped me tremendously.<P>Apologize....over and over and over again, if you have to. No excuses, no rationalizations, no justifications....nothing but "I'm sorry, I was wrong." Don't say "I'm sorry, but you didn't...." or "I'm sorry, but if you had...." or anything like it. When you tack on the "buts" you shift blame to him and that isn't fair.<BR>It doesn't matter what your husband did or didn't do in your relationship, he didn't deserve to be betrayed this way. Tell him that.<P>Cut contact with the om and tell him you've done it. Even better, cut contact with the om in your husband's presence. Tell your husband if you pass him in the hall or while driving down the road. Absolutely tell him if the om contacts you in any way. No secrets.<P>Get into counseling....even if your husband refuses to go. Begin to examine your behavior in your marriage and be willing to admit your mistakes and make changes. When he sees that you are willing to do this, he should follow suit. It is true that he has responsibility for his actions or lack of actions in your relationship.....but you can't force him to see that.<P>Make your life an open book. Don't go anywhere without your husband knowing where you are going and when you will be back. If you will be late...even 5 minutes...call him and let him know. <P>The ball is in your court. If you want your marriage, then make it very plain to your husband that you do. Yes, he has to commit to it too and do a lot of work, but you may have to go it alone for a while. Give him room to express his anger and pain....it's there whether you see it or not.<BR><P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31