What's better a wife who has an affair but after that is the world's most perfect wife and mother or a woman who is not as good but never has an affair? Probably this is my situation. My previous wife died of breast Cancer was not quite as talented but would never have had an affair. The affair probably affected me more than the death (I hate to say). I think it is because the person that died can take no blame but the person who betrays you did something to you. My marriage before was very good. <P>Everyone tells me the main thing is to see how the wife is from now on. On the other hand she is a human like everyone else so really it is unfair I think, if I expect her to be more than just a normal person with all the regular faults. My friends seem to think that now she has to really prove herself , to really prove she is a good wife and mother. But I think this is kind of a puncihment idea and is not really right either. I think to just treat my wife like I always would have and just over time hope to forget all this.<P>Probably there is a way to look at all this in the big picture. Maybe a physical act does not take away from a person's spirit and soul and true love? <P>There seems to be something that is learned from every experience. Perhaps something positive will come from the bad experiences we are all having now.

Rodger,<BR>since you offered your advice to me, I'll offer what I can to you, although I don't know all of your circumstances. I had an affair although I loved (and still love) my huband very much. I am a very physically affectionate person. I enjoy (and need!) lots of snuggling, hand-holding, hugging, etc. and also sex is very important to me as well. For the first several years we were together, my husband's needs seemed similar to my own. After time though, he seemed to require less and less physical expression, while my needs remained the same. Eventually, I wound up having an affair with a man who met those needs for me, and also listened to what I had to say and shared his feelings with me. Now that my husband has discovered the affair, (which ironically happened as I was ready to end it due to the guilt I felt) I am trying hard to make him understand how I could do such a thing even though I DO love him. I never stopped loving him, in fact, I cried many, many times to the OM over my sadness that my husband couldn't be affectionate with me. Although I loved my husband, he wasn't giving enough love back to me. It's no excuse for what I did, which was terribly wrong. But I felt desperate to feel loved. It sounds like your wife is trying very hard to make it up to you. Let her. Yes, you can have sex with someone and it doesn't touch your soul they way it does when you make love with the one you care about more than anyone. Speakign from my own experience, the sex in the affair was never better or more meaningful than with my huband...it's just that the OM was willing to be physical with me when my husband did not. I would give anything at all, anything...for my husband to realize this. Your wife is human. She made a mistake and she loves you. Do your best to forgive her with all your heart, and put it behind you. Best of luck to you in your marriage.

Dear Calla30,<P>Thank you so much for your words. I appreciate hearing your point of view and I understand it. It doesn't make the pain go away that quickly but all of this helps. Sometimes it is hard for a man to keep the same level of arousal going year afer year. Perhaps for a woman this is easier. So it's a bit sad if a man cannot have full control over his physical body to satisfy his wife all the time. I understand from you that you can love your husband and still have sex with another man. A man really does have a hard time to understand this. But it must be true because a few ladies have mentioned this to me now. Thanks again.

I just wanted to say thank you to calla30--I am the BS and my H has been telling me many of the same sorts of things, and though I want very much to believe him, fear sometimes holds me back, fear that he may be saying things only to make me feel better about the A. Your posting helps so much, because there is no doubt that you are expressing your feelings honestly and with a motive to help those of us going through this painful experience understand the "other perspective." Many, many thanks--you just gave a big boost to our marriage-rebuilding, I am very grateful!! All best wishes for you and your H, octavia99