To all husbands out there who have forgiven their wives for affairs, and gone on to have strong and healthy marriages again...please tell me your stories, tell me how I can help my husband. I need to know it really is possible. I am beyond devastated at the prospect of losing my husband and the break-up of our family over my stupid mistake, and I really do love my husband more than anything. I am barely holding it together, my tears flow like rain-- please help.

Calla,<P>Let me be the first to say two things:<P>1. You've taken the first big step by coming here. You'll find lots of support. You may even want to try some counseling with the Harleys.<P>2. I just WISH I could get my wife to read your message. What brought you to your decision that you wanted to give it another chance?

Calla,<P>There are many men who have forgiven their wives for affairs. And I suspect you will be hearing from them as time goes on. I am not in your H's situation, but I read your previous post and decided to answer you here rather than there. I have been here at MB for over two years and so perhaps I can offer you some advice.<P>First, go back and read the advice that was posted to you especially workingitout. She is right on target.<P>My first instinct when reading your post was that you are not ready to rebuild your marriage. You were caught and you are still in the middle of the affair with OM. You will have to go through withdrawal before you really feel like your H is the man for you. Why do I say that? You commented that your H was going to have to admit his failings before this marriage could be rebuilt.<P>Calla, your H knows he failed, believe me he knows he failed. No matter how you deny it, it will be a long time before he comes to believe that he can compete with OM in bed or any other way. I can assure that his self-esteem is gone. Your H has done what most men do, when confronted with something of this magnitude. One person, Suzy, I believe said her H acted "badly" in the same manner.<P>Your H is not acting "badly", he is protecting you from him. He is protecting, as much as he can, marriage from the anger, pain, fear that he feels. He is withdrawing because he doesn't want to cause unnecessary harm. He may decide to work on the marriage, he may decide to leave the marriage, and he may decide he just wants to die. All are thoughts that are going through his head. They are all normal Calla.<P>You cannot do anything for your H right now. But you can do something for your marriage, you can lose OM right now, forever. No more contact,it will be very hard for you, but it must be done or there is little chance that the marriage will survive. <P>I would recommend that you go read Susie's story. You can find all of her posts by going to the one just posted to you and clicking on the sun glasses. Then go to the upper right and in red is a statement that asks if you would like to search for other posts. Click on that and in a few moments all past posts will pop up. <P>I would also recommend that you pay close attention to what Sheryl, NB, as to say to you. She is good and she has far more experience than she wants. <P>There are so many names I can give you of stories where rebuilding occured, even when there was a child by the OM (that would be K, Stilltrying, etc).<P>It can be done, Calla, but you need to do your homework while your H is sorting himself out. Go to NSR's general greeting, in the Just Found Out section. Within there he has compiled and bookmarked many of the important articles here. Learn about plan A, His Needs Her Needs, and most of all read Surviving an Affair by Harley. This information will be beneficial to you and your H as he recovers from the shock of what he has just learned.<P>Please remember one thing, you have had many months to justify in your mind why you have done what you did. Your H has only had 3 days to handle the realization that the marriage he thought he had was a complete lie. It will ultimately be the trust that is hardest to regain Calla. Oddly, it is something that few people think about when they are married until something like this happens and then it is realized that trust is the lynchpin of a good marriage and it is gone.<P>Please read, post, ask questions, and pay attention to your H. You have no idea what you have done to him, you really don't. You know why I can say this, because I will bet you felt he didn't love you,and so the affair occured. You were wrong about your H's love, and your affair unfortunately will show how you wrong you were, via his pain.<P>After this very wordy response to you. I will say that you do have a very good chance of rebuilding your marriage. All of the tools are here, and you claim you do love him, those are two very good places to start.<P>God Bless,<P>JL<p>[This message has been edited by Just Learning (edited April 19, 2001).]

What JL said.<P>And I'll let you know that your husband can do this, even if you haven't made the committments to recovery that you should have (I certainly was faced with that situation with my wife).<P>But the absolute, best possible thing you can do is to commit to Harley's Rules for Recovery (the Four Rules for a Successful Marriage). And to be most effective in doing that, I would urge you to call the MarriageBuilder's office and set up an appointment for phone counseling (888-639-1639...and I know this number by heart). Steve and Jenn Harley are the counselors (they're great---Dr. Harley's children). It's simply the most effective way to deal with this mess.<P>And do it, whether your husband chooses to participate right now or not. It will be an invaluable resource to you.

calla30 - ditto Always Hopeful. Please tell us "willing to forgive" husbands what brought you out of the fog?<P>WAT

To WAT and other forgiving husbands wondering what makes a wife decide to stay and try...basically, I never INTENDED to leave my husband when I began the affair. Or, more accurately, I didn't think about ANYTHING when I began the affair, except the immediate gratification of my needs. The OM was never really replacing my husband, just filling in the gaps. <P>However, it quickly become an addiction. My feelings about the affair flip-flopped constantly, from, "I've got to stop this, my guilt is killing me," to "But I deserve to be loved, and my H isn't giving me any, so..."<P>If you asked any heroin addict, "Do you want to be a heroin addict forever?" NONE of them would say "Yeah, sure, I LIKE being addicted to a drug that's killing me." But if you ask a heroin addict, "Would you like just one more hit?" and every single one will say, "yes, just one more,that's all I need..."<P>And so it is with affairs. While I was horrified at what I was doing, it was still meeting my emotional needs in a way my husband didn't. <P>Ultimately, I got caught. It didn't matter that I was "trying" to end the affair. But what I found when the "sh-- hit the fan" was that when forced to choose, there was no question that I wanted my H and family over the OM. My self-induced, so-called "confusion" wasn't really so confusing. Deep down I knew that my h was my true mate and partner. I think that realization may take longer for some WS's to accept, especially if the quality of their marriage was really poor and the OP is doing a good job of meeting ENs. Only the WS can realize the deeper bonds of marriage and family, and the value of trying to save it. <P>At this point, I am deeply humbled and i think I almost "want" to be punished. That my husband could forgive me for the pain I've caused him is the ultimate gift of compassion (if he's able to do it). To all you husbands out there trying, you are doing the hardest and yet most loving thing. The only things worth having are the ones worth fighting for.

Hi Calla,<P>Not a forgiving husband, but WS. I can totally understand your pain. Believe me. My tears still are flowing 7 months later. Right now your husband is still in the shock phase. He can't beleive it. I don't want to make you feel bad, but I bet that you still can't beleive it. I think I was in auto pilot for at least a month, maybe three. <P>My story is pathetic, but what you said about the heroin addict is right on target. I spent several weeks in a treatment center for sexual compulsitivity. Most everyone there had affairs, plus other issues with sexual acting out. I wanted to stop, but I couldn't. The only time I stopped was when I got caught. When I got caught I stopped everything COLD. Never looked back. The only look back is the ton of regret I have now.<P>My husband and I are still together, by the grace of god. He is truly amazing. I love him so much, but it is hard work. Very hard. We have many hurdles, and sometimes my mouth gets in the way. Most of the time it is because I feel so badly about what I have done, that I can't stand to see him suffering. I want to fix it so badly, but I can't. The only thing I can do is be here, talk to him and tell him how sorry I am on a daily basis. Sometimes hourly if needed.<P>Bit of advise Quit the job. If you don't see the OM, he will fade from your memory. Something that they tell a recovering alcohilic, "you don't go into to a bar for a pack of cigarettes". Remember, its the first one that gets you, not the last. <P>I did whatever I could in the beginning. Changed email addy at work, changed phone number, got rid of cell phone, got another car, made myself 100% accountable of my time all the time. I gave up my computer at home, but got it back, with monitoring by my husband. <P>It is a long hard road, but, I wouldn't want to be anywhere except where I am right now. <P>Take Care<BR>PJ

calla30 -- I read your threads this morning before I went to work, but didn't have time to reply then, so please excuse my tardiness.<P>I am a "forgiving husband", and such hope that I will be able to give you some insight that might be of value. I do tend to get wordy some times, so I will apologize ahead of time. <P>I have been around this forum for a very long time. . .I have been rather lax for the past year or so, and haven't really posted much. A friend here on the forums made me realize in a recent post, that I needed to be a little bit more involved. . . As a result, I read you threads this morning.<P>First and foremost let me tell you that your H forgiving you is something that he has to do for himself. It has been said that <B>forgiveness is a gift that you give yourself</B>, and believe me, this is very true.<P>The others whop have replied to you have given you some pretty good advise so far. . .<P>You're H is dealing with the complete destruction of his world. It will take him some time to sort through everything.<P>You mentioned that he didn't really "over react", yell scream etc. This isn't necessarily a bad thing. When I confronted my W about her A, I didn't yell and screeam, I didn't throw or break anything. . . In fact I think that was one of the things which let my W know how seriously I had been effected. I am not the type of person who yells and rants normally anyway. . .<P>As far as your job is concerned . . . IF you really want to begin to show your H that you are sincere . . . Quit your job, change your Email, change your phone . . . Do whatever you have to do to completely severe any ties to your OM. I know that this sounds a lot easier said than done . . .It is . . . but it needs to be done.<P>You need to find a way to show your H that you are sincere, that you are sorry, that you want your marriage to work . . . PLEASE, don't TELL him. . .SHOW him.<P>One thing that I have seen echoed on these boards over and over again, is that the BS gets discouraged and upset because they are having to "do all the work." I know that it's not fair, but lets face it . . . The BS has been doing what they want when they want, for whatever length of time. . . If I rememeber correctly, your A lasted 6 months. My personal opinion is that you should be prepared to be giving 150% for twice that long if necessary.<P>Be open and honest with your H when the time comes that he starts asking questions . . . Don't try to hide things or tell half truths hoping to save him some pain. . . Believe me when I tell you, that eventually he will learn the whole truth, and if you lied to him by telling half truths, you only make matters worse.<P>Think of the analogy of taking off a bandage. . .In the long run it hurts a lot less to just grab the edge of the band-aid and pull it off quickly than to pull a little at a time, pulling out each hair individually.<P>I would also encourage the both of you to seek out some type of counselling. . .individually, together . . . both.<P> . . . . . . As I go back and read what I have written, I find myself so disappointed . . . While driving to work this morning, I thought about what I wanted to say to you. . .Now that I sit down and actually try to write it out . . .<P>Well anyway, I want you know that I will be praying for both you and your H.<P>God Bless

To just learning, empty shell and jane,<BR>thank you so much. All of the advice helps. Just learning, thank you for orienting me a bit to the site and how to use it. I appreciate your experience, and will follow your suggestions. I really needed all the insights into how my H is feeling right now and how even though I'm in great pain, I can't really know what it feels like for him. it's a different kind of pain and he will react differently than me. I want to rush toward him, he wants to pull away from me.<P>this is my first experience with any kind of message board forum, and I am already so surprised at how supporting it can be. I am looking forward to learning all your stories and taking further comfort in the progress and experience you've gained. Many, many thanks, new friends.

Calla,<BR>I am a "forgiving husband". DDay was Jan 19, 2001. I believe we are well on the path of recovery, and I thank God for that daily. But there are still some rough spots, and I'm sure there will be for quite some time.<P>Your husband is going through a very very rough time now--be as understanding as you can possibly be. He does not know what he wants to do: just leave, get revenge on the OM and leave, kill himself (yes, I think that's a common idea among the betrayed), stay and try to work on the marriage, or whatever. He has no idea. He trusts nothing and nobody right now. He wonders how whatever he chooses to do will cause him to see himself, how it will cause others to see him, if he can ever salvage his self respect and how, etc. He wonders if he is always being compared by you to the OM. He wonders if the OM feels any guilt for what he did. He wonders if you really do. He wonders how anybody could do something so selfish and hurtful. These are just a few of the emotions and ideas I experienced, anyway.<P>For you, I recommend:<P>1)absolute and complete honesty. If he has questions, answer with the truth. <P>2) All contact with the OM has to end, if you haven't already done this. That means all personal, email, phone, voicemail, fax, messenger service, carrier pigeons, EVERYTHING! My wife promised this to me on Feb 27, but didn't actually make good on the promise until the middle of March. That almost ended it for me, and my trust for her sunk to all-time-lows.<P>3) Stay tuned to Marriage Builders--I think MB.com has saved our marriage so far. Read and learn EVERYTHING!<P>4) If you can, get your H to vising MB also. He will get such amazing support here, and with both of you getting such support, you chances have to be better!<P>5) Professional counselling is a given, except my W is so embarrassed by what she did, she doesn't want to tell anybody, even a professional about it yet. I think she'll be ready later.<P>And best wishes from me! Fight the good fight to save your marriage! Do the right things! A steady life of "doing the right thing" will do wonders for your own self respect while helping your husband as well.

calla30,<BR>I am a forgiving H. I am a forgiving H because God lives within me. He is the reason I am able to forgive. The little pain (when compared to what Jesus endured) helps me to understand my W's pain even more. To make a ong story short, I married my W at God's request. My previous relationship with my XGF was all that I could handle breaking up. This caused me to see that the <B>only</B> to fill the void that you sought with OM is with Jesus.<P>It is my relationship with Jesus that causes me to forgive. Besides if the shoe were on the other foot I would want my W to forgive me. Words can't express the <B>joy</B> that is in my heart because Jesus makes everything clear. Do I have my moments when I want revenge? Yes, but I remeber all tha pain I have experienced and decide I won't inflict such great pain on anyone. Yet, I know some of my actions sound strange but are a definite indication that Jesus is living His life through me.<P>In order for your H to see that you are genuine you must take on the servant attitude that Jesus exhibited for us. That is what I am doing for my W, our children, and last but not least God. In taking care of them I take care of me. I feel no voids for very long because God fills them with His love where my W's love is lacking which should be coming from Him. Yet, I know from reading Hosea what the purpose is behind my pain: it is to draw me closer to God and to be there for others who are going throught he same mess that resulted from people listening to the lie that Satan whispered in someones ears.<P><P>------------------<BR><B><I>God Bless,<BR>Rob</I></B><BR> regilmor@swbell.net