LWM,<BR>First of all let me say, the BS getting involved with an OP is no solution to anything. It makes recovery less likely for these reasons:<P>1) we hear how the WS begins the affair because of unmet needs, well, who meets the Bs's needs less than a WS? Not only are the WS in a fog, they sometimes are downright ugly & mean. Being treated nicely by an OP seems like a miracle. Why would a BS-turned-WS want to leave a relationship where someone is first-stage-relationship nice, even if it is fantasy nice, to go back to someone who has ripped you apart? Even for the kids.<P>2) if reconciliation of the marriage does then take place, the WS has all the issues of a BS, as the BS has all the issues of a WS. Accountability, guilt, remorse, distrust in a double dose.<P>Ok, for me & Guard personally, from a year's reconcilation perspective, this is what I think at that point that Guard began to want the marriage for real (remember, we'd already had 6 reconciliations, or at least 6 move-back-ins, so I was suspiciously at that point that anything would ever really change, thus the serving of D papers on my part):<P>1) The PA aspect of his affair had been over about 6 months.<P>2) She had been dating his former housemate, a single, available guy for about 4 months, and was cutting their contact herself...though probably still available.<P>3) Withdrawal/coming out of the fog, it had been almost 2 years since the beginning of the PA, over a year since his confession. The timeline Dr. Harley talks about for the affair-feelings to deteriorate.<P>4) He really does love me, and our family, and realized I was ending the marriage, not only the D papers, but setting boundaries, visitation, acting on counselor's advice to "as if" divorced--but that felt so easy that at that point I thought it was what I wanted. Perhaps Plan B would have kept my lovebank from its complete drain after 18 months of Plan A, but I failed at Plan B. And after 2 long years and 7 separations, I felt my marriage was over.<P>5) The OM was a real draw to me, hitting top ENs: charming, affectionate, willing to spend time with me, really was at a stage where he wanted a marriage (hence his quick marriage to someone else!), travels a lot, wealthy. The only drawback was that I did not see how my children would fit into his lifestyle, and of course the fact I was an emotional mess. <P>6) Guard took charge of his life, decided he did not want to live the way he had been the previous 2 years. Even though he didn't know if I would ever reconcile at that point, he became a man of faith, became accountable to me with time, email, voice mail. Enough to persuade me to cut contact with the OM (which the OM held me to, I presume the other relationship was going by that time)...about 6 weeks of no/little contact led to my reconciliation with Guard and his moving home.<P>So, I think it was this grouping of times/events/stages.<P>And I don't recommend the OP aspect specifically for the BS for these reasons:<BR>1) An OP is a feeling human being and doesn't deserve being used to fix an ailing marriage. I don't feel I did that, I thought I was moving on, but choosing an OP to make a spouse jealous borders on ugly behavior.<P>2) All the crap written here on MB about OP--they can't be controlled either...stalking, hounding, begging, calling, continued contact. The OM in my case, for his own reasons probably, agreed to no contact at my request, but every so often calls or comes to see me, or now I've run into him at my gym. All things I have to be accountable to my H for...which are reminders of the bad times, that our marriage just doesn't need.<P>3) the BS is vulnerable...and will suffer the fog & withdrawal just as bad as any other WS.<P>LWM,<BR>If you are still reading, I know this is a long answer, but I really feel adding yet another person into a marriage suffering from infidelity is just a poor choice. One I made, and that my marriage is recovering from, but if there were any benefits, the benefits are far outweighed by the painful consequences & hurt I dealt to my H.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things." Phil 4:8
