My teenage love and I were separated when we were 15. We had promised each other eternal love. Three years after we separated I met my husband. I was almost 18. I got pregnant but did not want to marry him or have an abortion. My family did not support me so I ended up living with my husband in order to keep the baby. My husband was a jerk, in our first years of marriage he abused me physically and fooled around with many girls. Since we are members of a church i thought I should stick with him for the better of my family and kid. 3 years later I had a second child. Things did not get better. Little by little my love or "attraction" for lack of better terms fell apart. We have been married for 13 years now. We have two daughters a 13 and 10 years old. In 1998 my teenage love contacted me, since we separated he had two girlfriends ,and he is still single. I have seen him once a year for the last three years and wonder how would have been my life like if we were married. I have not had sex with him, we just enjoyed each others company. He does not want to get into a relationship with me or at least he does not want to admit it. (he lives in a different country). However, I feel I was trapped for the circumstances of my marriage and would like to separate from my husband, live by myself and figure out what I really want. My husband has changed now, and assures me he loves me and constantly asks for forgiveness, but i feel my heart is hardened. Last time he put a hand on me I promised him I would call the police this was in in 1997. Later i found some love letters he'd written to a co-worker . Supposedly, he loves me and would do anything for me. But, it is difficult to believe in him, furthermore forgive gim. I don't know what to do, sometimes I feel I want to divorce him, but I am scared of taking the chane, I fear for my daughters and would not want them to blame me for a divorce. Furthermore, I have loss all sexual desires for my husband and my feelings hurt him a lot.<BR>

Well, with everything that you've been through with your husband, it's no wonder your memories with your first love look so good. But if I may ask, if the two of you loved each other so much, why did you separate?<P>You're here. That's a start. You're being honest about your feelings and your situation - you're ahead of many, many WS's out there. I assume your H isn't aware of the contact you've had with the ex? <P>Before I tell you to come clean with your H, let me first ask you - do you feel that you or your daughter's would be endangered if your H found out about this? You want to protect yourself and those girls <B>first and foremost</B>. Is he sincere in his apologies? Has he tried to be a good husband? How long has the abuse been over?<P>I strongly, strongly encourage you both (if possible) to get professional counseling ASAP. In a situation like yours, a mediator is probably vital. Also, read some of the other stories on this board. A marriage takes work - keeping the love alive takes work (what a blow that was to my Harlequin-brainwashed mind to learn that! ) I imagine that a part of you does want your marriage if you're here. Study the information on this website - it is extremely helpful.<P>Good luck to you, and welcome!

Hi UnH26,<P>I would first like to welcome you to Marriage Builders. It is our unified goal to help those who want to work on bettering themselves and their marriages. <P>You do have a lot of issues facing you and your family. This is a good place to be for support. As CB said, you will benefit even better by getting professional help ASAP. There are also questionnaires here on this side to help you see your H's needs and your needs. One of them is the Emotional Needs Questionnaire availble here. If you are also able, the Harley's offer phone counseling. <P>Applying the MB principals have had beneficial results for many couples, all benefit on an individual basis as well. So this place can help you have a win situation and move forward with a positive attitude. I am not saying it is guaranteed to save your marriage but it can give you great support to do so. <P>Marriage is a work that takes 2 to succeed. Each of us have to recognize that we have places for improvement. Our love is often tested in these situations and we do not always know the outcome nor can we always control the actions of others. <P>If I were to give you a start of what most of us have to work on is: Not to be too controling, learn time and patience can be our allie. <P>Take Care and keep posting, <P>L.

Thanks CB for your reply, <BR>To answer your question, my ex and I separated for the political situation of my country (native from Nicaragua). He'd moved to Guatemala but now since 1997 is back to Nic. On the other hand, I had received counseling 4 times during my marraige life. Last time, my husband and I went together, but we stopped because he does not believe in it. He does not think he has a problem. Six months ago, I found the letter I was talking about where he diclosed affection for this other girl. At the time I kicked him out of the house but later came back. Right now, we continue to fight because he wants me to change just because "he's been a good boy" I don't want to take cresit away from him, but I can't trust him, I can't forgive him, furthermore I feel I have an unfinished business with this other guy. I feel like if I don't do anything I won't be able to move on with my life. I wish I could just go try things out and if they don't work try again with my husband. I know that is very selfish from my part. Besides, I could be taking a chance, maybe at the end, I will be just me without one or th other.

Unhappy: Complicated situation. Your H has been a serial offender, now you're considering dumping him for an old flame. Your heart knows what to do. Your commitment to H was middle of the road at best from the start, coming as it did from pregnancy, not love and a decision. You may never get over that. I know of two people who re-met after 40 years, both now in the 60s, each got divorced and they're in bliss for the last five years. In the meantime both had been in marriages like yours: kids, stability, but feeling notsosure all along. Look, there's love and there's Love, big love, little love, middle of the road love. And different kinds of marriages: intimate love marriages, practical marriages, marriages based on intellect and talk and marriages based on sex and marriages based on common social and financial interests, etc. etc. If you want a shot at the big Love kind of marriage, maybe you should make a break from yours, esp. as your H is probably going to keep cheating, letting you down, coming back. It's degrading for you both. But then you gotta say: I'm taking a divorce. Won't likely work if you go try this and but want that still to be available. The one case I can think of of that was a friend's parents: had been divorced for fifteen years and were close friends, family Christmases, etc. But the woman had been in a long term committed relationship for about eight years, and lived with the boyfriend, who was also good friends with the XH. The woman decided, however, she really wanted to give the old marriage one more shot--this after 15 years!--and the XH agreed. The boyfriend, who's from the deep South and VERY laid back (and after 8 yrs of living together it's like a marriage), has to WAIT while the XH and XW give it a go, discover it can't work (for him, she's doing OK with it), and drop it. XW goes back to boyfriend, and the story ends there: boyfriend is fine with this, sees it as part of the strange human drama, etc. and that was about six years ago, and they're still going strong. There has never been infidelity among these people, as in cheating in secret. But I believe that is a rare and special case as these folks are particularly compassionate and open minded and willing to accept and forgive, and base a lot of their talk on principles learned in human potential courses such as The Forum.<P>Thing that keeps most people in a lockbox is the inability to make decisions in difficult and unclear circumstances. You don't get to be safe, you have to exercise judgment, and you might be wrong, or at least regret it later. You face this possibility now no matter what you do, stay in or get out. <P>If H won't reform, you know where you're headed anyway. When do you know you've hit the wall? You look back in time and make it coincide with your first move towards divorce. In other words you never really KNOW. The reality is, there is Always more one can do, almost always that is. Real violent cases, massive emotional abuse and so on being excluded.<P>Good luck, you'll need it.

I always say if a W is afraid of her H physically that is NEVER GOOD. A person should not have have to side-step an issue in fear of being hit. You say your teenage love does not want to have a relationship with you, at least he hasn't voiced it, by this I think that you should ask yourself if you are in a FANTASY with this man made up in your own mind. Maybe you let your mind take you into a fantasy world with your teenage love because it lets you escape MENTALLY from your troubled marriage. You are building something up in your head with your ex that isn't real. I think counseling should be your first step before you make any changes, and your H should attend counseling too especially Anger Management classes!