Last night I had a good counseling session with my counselor. She has been counseling my W and I since December. I went by myself last night though. My W has given up on our marriage (I think OM has something to do with it). My counselor and I agreed that this whole thing is not all my fault. My W has made some VERY poor decisions in all this.<P>The counselor actually thought that OM was out of the picture so that we could work on our marriage. She (the counselor) was shocked when I told her about the voicemail I heard from OM (see my post under 'Awful Holiday') Prior to that our counseling has focused on me being obsessive with my W. Last night I finally said that I was tired of taking all the blame. She said Good for Me.<P>Then she asked me a question that she has asked me on several occasions, "What are your boundaries?" Call me stupid, but I've heard the words for several weeks now, but didn't fully understand what she was asking. It was like a light came on inside me. I now know my boundaries - I am not taking the blame any longer; I am not going to put up with her disrespect of me any longer; I am no longer going to give her and do for her whatever she wants; if she ever decides she wants back in this relationship, it will be on OUR terms not hers.<P>* I have given my W everything she ever wanted. I would always let her win an argument.<BR>* She was a stay-at-home mom, yet I did a LOT of the cooking, cleaning, and day-to-day maintenance (don't get me wrong, I think Husbands should do those things)<BR>* Her sister told me a couple of weeks ago that I have spoiled her and made her selfish.<BR>* She basically walked all over me. The counsleor told me last night that my W had said in a previous joint session that she did what she did because she knew I would get over it.<P>Now let's hope that I can continue to feel this way over the next few days without falling back into my old habits. I still love my W, but I'm done feeling bad because of her actions.<P>S&C<p>[This message has been edited by sadandconfused (edited April 20, 2001).]

Good for you! Plan A is never about taking the blame for every thing. It is about awknologing the things you did to contibute to the shape your marrige was in, and working to make your self a better person and a better spouse. That doesnt mean you have to be a doormat. Keep going to counseling for yourself. <P>And when your bounderies are reached for tolerance of your wifes behavoir then go to plan B. Sounds like you might be getting close. Use this time to do the best plan a you can.Plan B will show your wife that you will not always let her make the choices in your relationship and while you are waiting now, you cannot keep your love for her while she continues with OM.<BR>Lora

S&C - I can identify with you somewhat. Even according to her sisters, my wife treated me like scum for many years. So now, in Plan A, what are we supposed to do? Yup, kill 'em with kindness, don't make 'em mad. For me, it's real hard to draw the line between a good Plan A and too much enabling that may cause her to have no respect for me. My point, I guess, is to be careful that you don't ruin your Plan A, if you ascribe to its principles. It's good that you're done feeling bad because of her actions - that's a big part of Plan A - to improve yourself and feel good about yourself. As Leilana said in her reply to Knewjie's post about self esteem - play the hero, not the victim.<P>WAT