I caught my husband the 1st time back in Sept 2000, he broke off for a short time living with me at home, but then went back to her. He moved out once before but came back, now he moved out in Feb, but I caught him at her house and told him it was over. I already contacted a lawyer(Great one) but my church and others don't want me to file. My H does not make much money and that is a problem for all of us, he won't have much to live on and I will have to take 2 jobs to make ends meet. He hasn't contacted a lawyer as far as I know, wonder why?? He has had very little contact with me, says he is scared of me, and has contacted our 2 sons very little too. He was a good dad, it is really hard to understand and the kids are so hurt by it. Cannot believe that after 19 years of marriage, that he has had no contact with me. I do worry about him and how messed up he is, he was a good man and did have morals, but now is so blinded by his sin, that he is just like the woman he chose to go with. I see no good alternative to this situation, if he repents, which it has been over a year now and I have not seen any sign of that, and he begs to come back, how in the world would I be able to take him back after all the damage he has inflicted and continues too? The other one is divorce, and I know that God Hates divorce, so that is not good either. It is really a no win situation for me as I see it now. I am wanting to be obedient to God and do the right thing, but it's hard to know what to do! HELP!

I understand your confusion....the situation you are in seems to have no positive resolution. But I believe you can come out of this with your head held high and your sanity intact. Even if your marriage doesn't survive you can heal and be happy again.<P>I can't tell you whether to go through with a divorce or not. You are the only person who knows the whole story here and you are the one who will have to live with the consequences of a divorce. What I would suggest is this, pray about it. That might seem like a "cop out" answer, but I believe with all my heart that if you can get quiet before God and bring this to Him, He will show you the path to take. You are correct that God hates divorce, but in Matthew 19, Jesus says that in a marriage where one spouse refuses to change their adulterous ways divorce is acceptable.<P>My instinct tells me that you need to take some other steps as well. Are you in counseling? I realize this is expensive, but I imagine your pastor could help you find someone who will work with you and charge a fee that you are able to pay. I believe this is important so that you can begin to face the situation and deal with your emotional and mental state. A good counselor can help you do the work to prepare for either eventuality in your marriage....restoration or divorce.<P>I also encourage you to do some reading. You know about the Harley's books. I highly recommend After the Affair by Janis Spring....mostly for the list of physiological effects of an affair on the wounded spouse....and Torn Asunder by Dave Carder. Torn Asunder has a "plan" much like the Harley's do, for getting the unfaithful spouse to give the marriage a real chance to be healed. There are no guarantees, but some good advice and suggestions. Torn Asunder is also scripturally sound.<P>And last, but most important, trust God. I received great comfort and encouragement from the devotional Experiencing God Day by Day by Henry Blackaby. God used this liitle book to give me strength, to convict me of my own shortcomings, to give me peace and to give me direction. Keep a journal and write down what God shows you each day. Write down what you are feeling and what you are afraid of. Read your Bible daily...concentrate on the Psalms and Proverbs....God will use them in a special way in your life.<P>Nobody can predict what your husband will do. If he leaves the marriage then he is the loser, not you. I encourage you to look to the future and begin to make the journey toward healing. You can't lose with this plan....if your husband returns, then you are ahead of the game in restoration...if he doesn't then you will go on in the journey and find healing alone. But remember you are never truly alone as long as you have God leading you. He won't let you down.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

Dear SEF,<P>Welcome here to MB. My situation is similar to yours and the timeframe is very close. I have a young son and the stress has been hard on us all. <P>You have expressed your frustration and seen the change in your H. So have I. My H went from being a moral and upright man to someone I do not really know. He met his OW on the internet, just to be friends and within 6 weeks they went from EA to PA. Now he has been out of our home since 12/31/00. Due to financial situations on his part, he can no longer make it out there on his own. His OW is willing to let him move in but that part of his conscience that is still working won't let him. <P>This is what I would like to share with you. Your H sounds like my H. There is still a part of him that may show he is not ready to give up his family. Here is where you may be of assistance but it is a delicate balance between being his friend and being his wife. <P>I am the giver in my family. Part of my lesson to learn was to let go and let my H see the wrongness of his ways. I could not with all the good info, support and even scriptural background that I had on my side, force H to change his heart. OW really has her claws in H. The fight is within his heart. <P>My lesson learned was to 'kill with kindness'. This was hard because I felt betrayed, angry and frustrated. Also I was in the dark about what was happening to my husband. Another woman had moved into his heart and was desparately trying to take over as his wife. She was moving me out as much as she could. Accused me of seducing my own H and 24/7 him on his cell phone. Well, he was my husband if anyone was going to do that it was me. Even I did not 24/7 my H, I was busy working and being a mom. Nonetheless, I was falsely accused. <P>So how to help my H? Many said to be his friend. Step back from expecting him to be a husband. H threw that away when he did his EA/PA. So I started to be his friend. Slowly he would come around and eventually said he wanted to come home. Now this is where progress can be made if he had completely left the OW, but he did not. <P>Now I had to deal with deprogramming. Something I have recently come to realize. Everytime H communicates with OW, he needs to be deprogrammed before a normal discussion can take place. So after plan A'ing for 3 months, I went to plan B. I love my H but can no longer only look out for his interests. My son & I were beginning to show signs of stress and depression. My anxiety attacks were still happening. While I managed to continue all my normal functions, I started to get worn out. <P>This is where this board has helped me. I have received counsel, courage and strength here. Even encouragement to continue when I was ready to give up. While some agree with what I am posting, others give insight to give me a clearer picture. Some give the WS's viewpoint, others give a 3rd person's opinion and then there are those that have been there done that and know what is coming. All in all, it has been helpful. I do not regret all the info that was given to me. It is up to me to discern and digest what is best for me. <P>This board has helped me gain strength, built up my character and see that I am worth it. Now I can move on, with or without my H. I am also in a better position to help H if he wants it. <P>SEF, you have a long road ahead of you. I do not want you to think it will be over in a few weeks or month. However, if you are aware and prepared, you will be able to handle what is coming your way. Please, please post your feelings here. I assure you that you will find those that understand and can help. While ultimately the decision will be yours, you will be strong enough to evaluate things properly and make decisions. <P>After you read this and get a chance to post back, I would like to share with you another post... It is a bit long, but I will let you digest all this stuff first. <P>Take Care and keep posting. <P>L.

Thank you all so much for the great encouragement and info. This has been going on for over a year and I have been through all the stages of grieve over it, with him out of the house, it has been extremely nice and I will be honest that out of site, out of mind. I am really enjoying him being gone, as long as he puts money in our account I can hold out on filing for divorce but my good lawyer says that as soon as he stops we will have to do something. I hate it for my boys, they have always been close to their dad and now he is like a stranger and hardly ever calls or sees them. I have already accepted the fact that my husband may never repent, I am already so surprised that he hasn't in all this time, it just isn't like him, but I can't do anything to make him change. Like the free will choice he made to have the affair, it is the same to repent. I had already told him that it wasn't the sinning that was what was important, it was how he chose to fix or work on fixing the mistake, but he has so much PRIDE and is so selfish I guess he can't surrender. That is fine, because I don't and can't accept him back like the way he is now. I don't really see how he could ever be MY husband again, especially since he now acts 100% like HER man. He is the total opposite of my husband. It just seems like 13 months is a very long time for someone who has made such a mess of his life to never repent and tell me he is sorry, so I see that as God's way of preparing me that he may never repent. I am ready to move on, with or without (probably without) him. Emotionally I can handle it, it is the financial that I worry about and the effect on my kids.<BR>Give me some feed back on these comments, I do appreciate all of you. THanks!

Dear SEF,<P>We are almost in the exact situation. You will find similarities with many here. H also is a different person, one that he is not proud of. <P>Your points about his repentance being hindered by his pride is right on cue. This is what keeps them out there. H knows where his errors lie but is not willing to deal with them. Instead he is content (in a weird sort of way) to stay as he is in I don't know land. He will stay there as long as I do not force him to get out. <P>Well, he has to leave his room by 5/1/01. He is looking for another place to stay and really won't find any except for his moms (which he says no way), his truck (sleep as a homeless man), with OW or back to us (which right now is out of the question since he is still in contact with OW). So his choices are limited. It was recommended to me not to worry about his choices so I am trying not to let that be a prime concern of mine. Pride goes before a crash. Yep, that's so true. <P>Being emotionally ready is difficult, financially ready is also a challenge. It is terrible to have to do both at the same time. Take a look at what is best for your family. If your H is willing to come home, what are the terms he is willing to work with? What are the emotional needs of both your and your H? <P>Maybe these are some questions that may be helpful to review. Please take care and keep posting here. <BR>HGBrawner always has positive upbuilding suggestions that keep me going. You will benefit also.<P>L.<p>[This message has been edited by Orchid (edited April 21, 2001).]

Dear SEF:<P>Please let me assure you that although this situation looks bad it's not hopeless unless you decide to let it be. <P>The best outcome we can expect from a WS involved in an affair is for them to realize that was a big mistake and beg our forgiveness and dutifully never see or talk to the OP again....but it just doesn't happen that way all the time....or even a lot of the time. <P>It seems like once the deed is done it makes it easier to continue along the same path until some major obstruction gets in the way. Since your WS has been in and out for a year and has not mentioned divorce I would bet he is not planning on getting one in the near future, if ever. <P>I can say this because my WS has acted much the same...always claiming he didn't want divorce...wanted me to remain his wife...just wanted to have OW on the side...because she fills a need I wasn't fulfilling. In and out he was until I finally threw him out for good...where he's been for a year now....with OW being out of the picture for eight months now...but he still talks to her occasionally and see her when she comes to town.<P>And through all of this I did what Orchid has done...try to be his friend and let him work it out himself....and you know what? He's done it...and he's beginning to see the light. Wants to begin discussing getting back together. But I'm not ready...this time he will have to completely give her up...even as an occasional friend...and he will not be coming home until I'm satisfied that this will be the case. And after all this time I'm not that certain I want him back...and that surprises me. But you do get stronger through all this and they can see that. In fact I think it was the fact that I was beginning to move on with my life that finally was the factor that is beginning to bring my WS around. <P>You don't have to be actively seeking a new partner...or trying to close them out of your life...you just have to be doing what is best for you. And I certainly have issues that I need to be working on in the process...issues that will make either my present marriage or any future relationships better in the long run. So get up...forget about your WS for a while...or at least quit making him the focus of your life for a change...please yourself...make yourself happy again...love your children...and let time take care of your WS for a while. He has lessons to learn that only life can teach him. <P>Stay with us...read and learn all you can...it's worth it if only to make you a better person.<P>Faye<BR>

Dear Sef,<P>How are you doing today? I have been thinking about you and read Buffy's post. She is right. You need to concentrate on strengthening yourself. So that when H is ready, so are you.<P>When they come back it can be with a broken spirit. Not to put the pressure or anything but think about it when our child gets hurt or is ill with the flu. We take the time out of our busy schedules to give that one our time, attention, medicine and whatever it takes. Your H will need the same. Treat this as an illness. Your love at that time can be the cure. <P>Again, you will have to evaluate your attitude at that time and see how much you are willing to do for your H. You may not be able to tell that now and he may not be ready for that yet. Time heals all things. Maybe not the way we want or when we want but it does heal. <P>I have been encouraged to read a book by Dr. James C. Dobson called Love Must be Tough. The copy I got also comes with another book entitled Straight Talk (What Men should know/What Women need to understand). I have started reading it and it is in a very easy to read format with letters/experiences from real people like us. You may want to look into that (at Barnes/Noble it cost me $14.99 for a hardback book). <P>Some interesting events just happened to me. I am not ready to post it yet, too fresh. Since we appear to be traveling down the same path, I will share with you my stuff soon, if you want. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<BR>

Orchid, thanks so much for your response. I had a mountain top weekend, to have the WS ruin it as usual. I went to a 2 day women's conference with church friends. Great speaker and great words of wisdom, was feeling so good until I got home and realized that WS had called 4 times to get info from kids about where I was and then discovered the truth in why he called to get some more of his things from the house. He won't talk to me, only 1 time since he left 2 months ago. He gives messages through my kids and it tears them up and puts them in the middle. I first decided to not give him anything else, but my best friend who has been through this and her husband repented, told me to give him all his personal stuff and get it out so that he won't have an excuse to use the boys. He hardly ever talks to the boys, once in every 4 to 5 days, it is bothering them badly. He was a good father and I know someday he will be so sorry about this break in their relationships. We had a great sermon on 1 John about broken relationships and I realized that my husband has to get his relationship repaired with the Lord before I can have any kind of relationship. I am so tired and hurt of his lies about me and how all this is my fault and now he told the pastor that he wouldn't meet me face to face without him there as a mediator, because he thought I would hit him and then blame him. I was appauled as I have never hit him or anyone else for that matter. Never entered my mind. I believe the OW is very violent, she has been arrested for fighting at her place of work with another woman over her husband and she is having to leave town due to the court case, I believe he can't keep the two of us separate and continues to consider me the enemy and she is really the one to be blamed and is the true enemy. This is just so bizzare. I feel better with him gone and I am sure he is happier too. I just wish I knew when this would all end?? Thanks for the encouragement, what's new with you??

SEF:<P>I hate to see you put yourself through all this anguish without being able to see some light at the end of the tunnel. Having been there I know the light is there...but I also know that it takes time to get there.<P>A WS who is sure of what he is doing has no problem contacting his BS and letting her know he is fine..gloriously happy with his new love...almost revels in it. Do you see that in your WS?..No?...well neither do I...I see a man who is afraid to face you. A man probably filled with guilt...unable to face the person that he's wronged. In the long run, this is a good thing...that guilt will cause him great pain and will eat away at his new relationship until it devours it. <P>I know you are tempted to be very bitter about all this, but it really will not help...if there is any possibility of getting your WS back it is through the opposite...making yourself and your home a warm safe place to return to. Believe me I've been through it all and nothing will help but letting the "fog" run its course and being there to pick up the pieces after it has. The only problems is Plan A is hard work and draining...but the alternative can be even harder. <P>I notice from your other post today that your WS has claimed he has filed for divorce. This is usually due to pressure from OW...and he can say he's going to and never do it. Don't believe he will...he appears too unsure of what he's doing to do that. Might be wrong...hope not.<P>Don't let this throw you...either way is does not mean the end...there are too many good signs in all this.<P>Faye

Dear SEF,<P>Your quote:<BR>"I was appauled as I have never hit him or anyone else for that matter. Never entered my mind. I believe the OW is very violent, she has been arrested for fighting at her place of work with another woman over her husband and she is having to leave town due to the court case, I believe he can't keep the two of us separate and continues to consider me the enemy and she is really the one to be blamed and is the true enemy. This is just so bizzare. I feel better with him gone and I am sure he is happier too. I just wish I knew when this would all end??"<P>Amazing revelation to me. OW said that I may do something horrific. Me? ... Never in 17 years have I ever displayed any violent tendencies. WS probably is wondering now. You have hit the proverbial nail on the head. This OW has judged me by what she would do herself. And the really bizzare thing is that H believes her! The upside is, WH will be the recipient of her tendencies.<P>I am also more content in so many respects, without him in the house with me. It gives me the time to be me, without the disrespectful judgements, rejection, callousnes, etc.<P>Although I have not posted in awhile, today I am angry and trying to work it out. Guess I need some good advice, anger and plan A have little in common.<P>Dear, you have learend so much by just being on this board ... if it is this or the next relationship, you will be so wise. <P>God's love never fails for those who love him.<P>Hugs and prayers, me

Dear SEF,<P>Just a short other quote to carry with you. When the WS or OW points the finger of blame at you, just remember that for them to do that, there are 3 fingers of blame pointing back at them. <P>You on the other hand are offering your open hand of assistance to your WS to help him back to being your H. No finger of blame there. <P>L.