In case you haven't read my story - A month ago I found out my husband was having an affair. He was out of town on a project and I opened the cell phone bill and saw a number over 100 times in a month. Then, on a credit card bill was an airline ticket flying her up there for a week. I was and am completely devastated. We have been married only 3 years but together for 10. I will admit we were having major intimacy problems and not having sex very often at all and I knew this bothered him as it did me. Other than that things were wonderful so I guess this was just something I kept thinking we would eventually adress. I never dreamed in a million years he would do this. In the past month we have started counseling. He is still on that project and it is suppose to end this week. An 8 week project out of town! He is going to counseling as well. He tells me he wants our marriage to work but doesn't know if it can. He feels like he has ruined any change of recovering from this and damaged it beyond repair. He is also scared that if we do get through the affair that we will go back to the way things were and he says he can't live without the intimacy and felt like he was living with his best friend. I want the intimacy too and will do whatever I need to in order to address the problem. However, I am not getting the re-assurances from him. He just keeps saying that things seem beyond repair and seems to be wallowing in misery. I am going crazy with worry. As of two weeks ago he says he has called it off with this girl. How do I know? How do I trust him? <P>My question - When can I ask him all the questions I have in my head that are driving me crazy and standing in the way of recovery? I do have some questions about the OW. I have alot of questions about lots of charges on our credit card bills. I can trace these charges to nights he was out without me. He gets very defensive and angry when I start asking questions and feels like I am doing "investigative" work. Of course I am!! I didn't before all this happened because I trusted him! I would say who cares if he gets mad but I don't want to push him into running away and giving up. He is in that fragile state right now. I feel like I don't ever think he would leave me really but then again I really don't know what this OW is to him even though he tells me he loves me and wants our marriage to work. Should I wait to ask the questions until we are in our counselor's office together? I am thinking so since it will be a controlled environment and maybe I would get some answers instead of total defensiveness. I don't know how to hold it all in though. Also, we are taking a pre-planned vacation next week starting April 28th. We decided to go through with it and hope for the best possible. I don't want to stir up a bunch of stuff before we leave but I am so miserable. Any Advice????

adviceplease:<P>I'd ask yourself "what are the questions you need answered" first. The one you state about charges on credit cards---it seems like you have the answer already. He was screwing around on nights when he was out without you. That's your answer. It's what the two of you can agree to do about it that's important.<P>If you truly have questions that you need answered (as opposed to trying to lay ground rules for recovery), I'd suggest that you approach your husband and let him know that the "mystery" to these unanswered questions is driving you nuts, and it turn, you've been taking it out on him. Use a POJA style discussion to determine if he's willing to answer the questions, and the manner in which he would do so. For example, you could write the questions down, and he could come back later to give you the answers (either written or verbally). You could set aside time to talk about these (mutliple times, if you think it's necessary).<P>In general, you only want to dive into the past as much as YOU need to assess what happened. Then the real issues are forward-directed: how to prevent a reoccurance by rebuilding romantic love between the two of you (and how to learn to avoid situations that can lead to affairs).

Dear AdvicePlease,<P>I am sorry to hear of your situation. I found out about my H's A. via his cell phone (OW left a message). Then I found the cell phone bill. WOW over $1500.00. Boy did they like to talk, actually she did most of the talking. She has been since duped as Mrs. Pysco Babble. <P>Anyway, I had lots of questions also. We went to a counselor but H was not willing to unload. There is more that happened but I would like to share what I have done. Take the good parts that may work for you and throw out the ones that are not. <P>I kept a daily journal where I wrote events and my questions, feelings and observations. I even put down conversations between H & I. Later I would go back and read what we went through. That first month was a whopper. The range of emotions were large, I wonder now how I got through it. Shear willpower and andreline. I lost sleep, lost weight (20 lbs in 2 weeks - known as the infidelity diet), lost my craving for chocolate and the weird one - an increased sexual drive. It was low before due to much stress and a bad nerve rash but now it came on strong. Yet, I was losing my H to a very strong and manipulative OW. My H was and has been in very depressive state of mind and often spoke of suicide. OW pulled hard and told him I was bad for him. His conscience and love for his family was quickly replaced by his loyalty to OW. He was under her spell. This is part of the fog. <P>As the wife, you will need to learn about this fog, how to handle it and how to survive. With the hope that someday, your H will be able to come out of that fog like state of mind and see his family again. <P>In the meantime, K has good advice. I read all the writeups here online, took the questionnaires, have the books his needs/her needs, givers/takers & surviving an affair (reading is in process). The Harley's offer phone counseling sessions which are convinient and nice. You are given some assignments at the beginning and a plan of action is outlined for both of you. Yes, you also will have to take a frank look at yourself, make changes as needed. <P>You can strengthen yourself, build your support group (friends, family, counselors, us here at MB, children, etc.). Mind you, not all need to know all the gory details, just need to know how to help you. In my case, my boss and my staff needed to know since I succumbed to anxiety attacks that happened even at work. I cried a lot even at work for no apparent reason. So their partial knowledge allowed them to give me the space I needed to recover. <P>This you can do now to prepare to be available to help your H. Sometimes help means assisting or letting go. It depends on the circumstance. You are not able to fully control the actions or feelings of your H and this may frustrate you. That is when you can vent here &/or write in your journal, consult your counselor or confidant. <P>Please take time to digest this. I also found this site about 6 weeks after d/d. It has been a lifesaver for me and my family. My H is still out there, but now I am able to deal with it and still go on with life. <P>Take Care, we will be here for you.<BR>L.<BR>