I originally posted this in prayer request and I appreciate those lifting my family up. There seems to be a lot of mid-lifers going through this process, and I'm hoping maybe some of you can offer me some advice about how to handle my 20 year old son who has had some major problems not only as a result of our problems but as a result of choices he himself has made. <P>I really am afraid he is going to cause a rift between my husband and I when we have worked so hard to rebuild our marriage. I would appreciate any feedback from any of you who might be going through similar things with your kids.<BR> <BR>My son is 20 years old and has always had a mind of his own. The problems my H and I had took its toll on him in HS, but I refuse to use that as an excuse for his behavior. He graduated with high honors from HS and went to college.<BR>First semester was great, joined fraternity, etc. Second semester I saw changes, grades were terrible. Went to summer school and brought them up and went back in the fall. Lived in a pig stye house with four other guys that had "drugs" written all over it. We refused to support that living arrangement second semester, so he moved home after Christmas break. I had to wash everything he had before it was brought into the house. He was filthy. We had had some screamfest sessions right before he moved in and we knew he had been fooling with drugs.<P>He admitted the drug use and that he had even sold some while living at the house. when we got the grade report, we didn't know if we would pay for him to go back this spring. He basically begged, promised, etc, and we paid for spring semester. He has been going class and SAYS he is making B's and a couple of C's. We'll see, as the semester ends next week.<P>He told us he wants to take fall semester off to get his head on straight because he has no clue what he wants to do. I'm all for it, because I'm tired of dragging his butt up every morning and getting bills for parking tickets.<P>While his appearance is much better, he still lies constantly and every "confrontation" over anything from parking tickets to a bill he owes turns into a screamfest on his part eventually telling his father he F****** hates him, hates us, etc.<P>I know he is still smoking pot, as I have found the pipe, etc. in his room while putting up his clothes. He does work. All I do for him is give him $20 a week for gas money to school (which will end as soon as school is out). His father had signed for a joint acct with circuit city about a year ago for him to put a stereo in his car. We had told him we would pay this account off for his birthday, which we did. I got a bill today and he had gotten a copy of the bill out of our bill basket and had gone and charged $1,000 worth of stuff. He knew better and now my husband as cosigner will be responsible if he doesn't make the payments. He sees no "wrong" in this because it is in his name too. He knows there is nothing we can do about it. The speakers have been custom installed already, so it isn't like we can just take the stuff back.<P>Right now I am feeling so empty towards my son. I am ashamed to say I raised him. I look at his failures as my failures as a parent. <P>After I told my H about the charges to the credit card, it was as if he turned on me. He acted so angry towards me last night and it hurt so. This morning I hugged him goodbye and I had gotten some water on the front of my pj's when I washed my hair. He pushed me back and said very sacastically "Thanks a lot!!"<P>I am so afraid my son is going to create a rift between us once again. While I know it is detrimental for our relationship for him to be here, in spite of it all I see so much improvement over what he was in December. I'm afraid if we kick him out, he'll go back to that lifestyle.<P>I know there needs to be some counseling, but son refuses it. He doesn't see that he has a problem even though if he tells me its raining outside, I go look. It breaks my heart to see a kid who made a 1350 on his only SAT and an honor HS graduate just throw his life away. <P>Just needed to vent somewhat. I feel so empty towards him and a mother shouldn't ever feel that way towards her own child. Also feeling pretty guilty because he is probably a product of what I made him. Our daughter is very successful and loving. She is home for a visit and has been very upset towards her brother although she hasn't said anything to him, which is good, because he would blow up at her.<P>I don't know what to do. I love my H and don't want us to get back where we were before. thanks for listening.<P>I would appreciate all of you on the Boards lifting up my son in prayer that his heart may be touched by the only one who can show him the path of true happiness. Thanks to all!<BR>

Janie,<P>I feel so for you. You, your son & your H will be in my prayers.<P>I am having some of the same problems with my son except is about 4 yrs younger & is flunking out of one of the top HS in the world.

Hi Janie - I can't give specific advice on how to handle your son. Sounds like he has some maturing to do and that will come with time. Lots of kids take a year off from school to "get their heads together." Nope, I can't give a specific solution.<P>But, I can give you this. Love him. Find it inside of yourself to appreciate that you have an opportunity to help him and then muster the strength. Please do not feel ashamed of him or yourself. I lost a son when he was 8 1/2. How I wish I could struggle with him through his adolescent years and early adulthood. His bullheadedness would have been a challenge.<P>Yep, it's difficult. But just do it. Whenever you feel you can't do it, consider your life with him gone. I don't mean to suggest you haven't tried, it's obvious that you have. I just wanted to offer a different perspective.<P>WAT

I lost a brother who was very young (drinking and driving) and my son looks so much like him and acts like him (immature). The last time I saw my brother I wasn't very loving because I had seen him drinking/driving with the baby in the car. Less than 2 weeks later he was dead from an accident. I will always regret that I didn't tell him I loved him although I was angry. <P>I told my son last night I didn't want to talk to him right now, but it wasn't with anger. I felt good in that I didn't start yelling. I left his dinner on the stove as usual. <P>Yes, he has made some progress since December and I fear if he is booted out he'll take up residence with the druggies and get into some real trouble. <P>I don't feel it is unreasonable for me to stop giving him $$ once school is out for anything. I do make his car payment (which was an agreement before he went to college) because it is in both our names and I guess I'll make insurance payments until the car is paid for.<P>I think he crossed my final boundary (he has gotten money out of a joint investment account which he was told not to touch, and has made counter withdrawals from the joint acct the investment is drafted out of knowing that is the sole purpose of that account), so the charging of the merchandise on a card he knew was meant for only one purchase wasn't his first thing. Shame on us for not cancelling the credit line! <P>I will hang in there and try to love him, although right now he isn't an easy person at all to love.

Hi Janie,<P>My heart goes out to you. You must be really hurting. From the little bit I read about your son, it sounds to me like he has a self esteem problem. I have no children so I cannot empathize on that level, however, I have a niece who had similar problems. My sister had a heck of a time with her as she was very, very immature and quite impressionable. Although she never got into drugs, she managed to link up with a controlling and manipulative guy who got her pregnant. He was a bit older and merely used her. She had absolutely no motivation and had a hard time holding down a job. She barely made it out of highschool even though she has a very analytical mind. My sister was constantly doing battle with her over her laziness and slovenly ways.<P>Enter the Air Force. My sister talked her into seeing a recruiter. She decided to join and made it through basic training. All of our family flew to San Antonio for her graduation. It was very moving. When she saw all of us she broke down in tears. After only six weeks, it was like seeing another kid! She introduced my sister to her drill sergeant as "This is my lovely mother". My sister nearly fell over. My niece needed discipline in the worst way, but once they get to that age it's nearly impossible for the parents to provide it.<P>Anyway, just a thought. With your son's high IQ, the military would probably single him out for some very valuable and marketable training. If nothing else, they get a much needed dose of reality.

Janie,<BR> I really feel so badly for you over this. Our daughter was the rebellious one in our family, but she never had access to any credit cards, although we did finance a couple of cars and cosigned for them. <P> I have only two words of advice for you: TOUGH LOVE. It worked with our daughter.<P> You're quite right to discontinue the weekly allowance.<BR>If you haven't already done so, cut off his access to the investment account. As for the stuff he charged at Circuit City, if I were your husband, I'd repossess it and sell it for what I could get out of it, using the proceeds to pay on the Circuit City account.<P> Sometimes, you have to let your kids hit rock bottom. If your son is into drugs, he will do nothing but lie...even when the truth would probably serve him better.<P> As far as the pot goes...you said you found a pipe in his room. I'm sure you can smoke pot from a pipe, but I think most potsmokers roll "joints". Are you sure that he uses this pipe for pot? Is the pipe a regular kind of pipe or is it "funny(not ha-ha) looking"? I do hope that your son hasn't gotten into crack or crank, which I think are usually smoked through home-made "pipes", but I suppose could be smoked in a regular type of pipe. I really don't know much about the logistics of it. I just learned about the behavior of a drug user from my son-in-law, who was nothing but a crackhead--still is, as far as I know.<P>Basically, if your son's behavior is from drug use, there is nothing you can really do other than to protect your finances as much as you can (but be forewarned...things may come up missing from your house) unless your son truly wants help. You may have to turn him out on the streets, hard as that may be. I truly think that loving our children sometimes means that we have to be "mean".<P><BR>And, in the long run...when our children turn out to be kind and decent adult human beings, who handle their responsibilities well, don't you think they will SEE that we truly did our best for them?<P>I'll be praying for you, your husband, and your son, Janie. Don't let your son ruin the progress you've made in your marriage.<P>LC

<small>[ February 08, 2005, 10:18 AM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

My husband and I had a long talk and we have promised each other not to let him come between us. I found pot with the pipe in a box. The pipe smells like pot. What does crack smell like? We have put a lock on our bedroom door and all personal papers, etc. are in the bedroom (also silverware). I have told my son if he pulls anything else along these lines or if anything in the house comes up missing, we are sorry and we love him, but he will have to find other living arrangements. That will be hard, but we are prepared to enforce. <P>It's like my daughter said, if you ask him if he made coffee or tea, he'd say coffee when in actuality he made tea. Those are lies that aren't even necessary!!<P>It's hard enough working on this marriage with all these distractions, but I know I'm not alone here. I guess if we get through this with him, we really can get through anything. Thanks for your advice.<P>

Janie,<P>Yes, I do understand what you are going through. Have a 20 year old, who is making bad decisions. I have no evidence of drug use, but wouldn't be surprised. It does put a strain on the marriage, I think primarily, both parents want so much for their children to do well. <P>I have thought about this for awhile, and I think it is because a child represents different things to each parent. If it is a boy, the father sees him as a successful man, someone to trust, someone to do what he didn't do. The mother views her son differently. Same things occur with daughters. Each parent sees the future and has hopes for the child based on their life. So the strain comes because the parents cannot sense the trigger points for the other parent. <P>Rest assured you and your H do want the best for your son, just as my W and I do for ours. I suspect your son may have to issues. One may be depression which he is self medicating. The other is a fear of the future, which he is medicating and avoiding. Perhaps some counceling would be the right approach. <P>I do know how you feel when a gifted child turns down the gifts that life has provided them. What I don't know is exactly how to handle it myself. I sure wish I did and I surely wish I could offer you something concrete to help in your situation.<P>God Bless,<P>JL