My W and I have been married for 10 years now and together for just over 11. In the beginning life was very good. We complemented each other exactly. That lasted nearly 8 years.<BR> Two years ago, I had an opportunity to advance my career and move into a Sales position. In doing so, I hurt her. The job required much travel. I was home one week and then gone the next. This lasted for nearly 4 or 5 full months. We were used to separation before because I was in the Navy for 7 years. This time it was different. This time she began to build what I perceive as a wall. She shut me out. When the Sales job ended bacause the company closed and sold off, her wall stayed.<BR> We lived with this for 2 years. We lost the ability to communicate. We stopped talking. I tried everything I could think of to try and make things better. It always appeared as though nothing I did mattered. The wall remained no matter how hard I tried. No matter what I did. <BR> Yes, our love life suffered tremendously. It turned from actual acts of love filled with passion to just pure sex. The sex even started to go down hill rapidly. We no longer tried to please one another. <BR> Within the last couple of months or so, she has began to use the internet more and more frequently. A mutual friend introduced her to instant messaging so that they could talk more easily. <BR> Within the last month she rapidly grew more distant. Her attentions were elsewhere. I knew something was wrong and just couldn't face it. It all exploded last Friday.<BR> That day she went to work. She had an extra cold look to her that day. I couldn't wait no longer. I went into the computer and opened her email. I found what I expected. I knew she was having an affair.<BR> I confronted her with the details of what I knew. I demanded to know if she had cheated on me. She immediately denied anything physical. She said it was all through email and instant messaging. Still the rage and anger grew within me. We met for lunch and she confessed to some of what was going on. She exlained that it was an emotional connection and nothing more. I demanded that she stop immediately. She agreed. I demanded that she send OM an email stating that it was over and never to contact her again. She did so reluctantly. Her heart was not in it yet. <BR> I told her then that I needed three things then:<BR>1. That she stop it totally and completely. Cold-Turkey.<BR>2. That she be honest with me and tell me everything that happened to the finite detail.<BR>3. That she must let me know what her schedule is.<BR>The first thing that above also required 2 promises.<BR> 1. That she swear to never contact him again.<BR> 2. That is something did happen and she did contact him or he contacted her, that she be honest with me and immediately tell me.<BR>It took two days for her to look me in the eye and lie about the promises. She says it was to protect me because she didn't know what I would do.<BR> Something was still wrong. I agreed to let her go out with her friends this past Wednesday. I went looking for the instant messaging log file. And I found it. I read it. I read accounts across several days that depicted pure and unadultrated sex. Acts and things that she NEVER talked with me about. I was enraged again and immediately confronted her again.<BR> We have talked and talked and talked since then. We talked about what caused her to stray. We talk about what caused the environment to want her to stray. This is all very painful for the both of us.<BR> She has a major problem with letting go of the OM. She has formed an emotional bond with him. That has caused an even larger rift between us. <BR> This morning I feel that I finally got at least one of the promises from her. She says that she can't make both promises because she would be doomed for failure and she can't do that to me again.<BR> Today we went to a marriage counselor and discussed our problems. I gues that it was helpful. The counselor wants to see W back by herself to discuss OM.<P> I found this website and these forums yesterday. A little late I think. <BR> I just needed a place to vent. This helps. I really don't have anyone that I can just talk to about the problems that I have with all of this. Our mutual friend is beginning to allow me to vent.<P> Was I right in invading her privacy and finding what I did in the emails?<BR> Was I right in doing it a second time to find the instant messaging log?<BR> I want to help her through this separation with her emotional affair. She wants me to back off and give her some time. What should I do?<P>Confused and uncertain...<P>------------------<BR>QAEng

Hi QAEng,<P>I am sorry you are in this situation. There are many here that have been where you are at now. My H also went and found OW on the internet and the EA/PA went quickly. Actually the EA is harder to deal with than the PA. H felt I did not love him because I was working too much (new company, new dept, new systems, etc.) <P>It is good to continue counseling. There is good information here on this site like questionnaires, book recommendations, write-ups and phone counseling sessions available to all who visit here. NSR will probably be sending you a welcome post soon and will give you that information (I have not learned how to post all that info yet). Still learning myself. <P>The feelings you have expressed here are quite normal. Acts of betrayal stir up strong emotions. At this stage your W may not be able to give you all the answers and responsive actions that you feel you want and need. This will require, time and patience on your part. The information here will help. <P>There are both men and women who are the BS (betrayed spouses) along with some who were at one time the WS (wayward spouses). So you will be able to get insight on both sides and learn how to help yourself and your W. <P>In the meantime, you can strengthen yourself, build your support group that you can lean on during this time. A close friend, counselor, relative, children, us here at MB, etc.) can be considered support. Your supporters do not have to know all the details, just be able to give you that boost of support (a smile, keep you occupied, help you take care of yourself and family, pep talk, etc.). <P>Some go through various stages of grieving. It helps to know this. Over in the divorcing/divorce site, there is a post entitled: 5 steps of grieving..... there 2 people offered me a valuable lesson to learn how to put my 'big' problem in a better perspective, one I could handle. This has been a big help to me. With this understanding, I am in a better position to help myself and my H. <P>Just wanted to let you know that we are here to help. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.

QAEng -- <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Was I right in invading her privacy and finding what I did in the emails?<BR>Was I right in doing it a second time to find the instant messaging log?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Truthfully I don't know if you were right or not. . . <P>I caught my W involved in MANY internet affairs just as you described. I too demanded that everything stop NOW. I demanded that she write Emails to each one and tell them to not contact her again. I made her give me her passwords and checked her accounts several times a day for several months.<P>Was I right? ? ? I don't know. I honestly don't.<P> . . . This occured around 3 years ago.<P>My W and I are still together. Things aren't perfect, but I think we are doing fairly well all things considered (You will have to go look up my old posts (this one is 995) to understand a little better).<P>Bottom line is this . . . Recovery is possible. It is a lot of hard work for you both, but your marriage can be rebuilt better than before.<P>I will be praying for you, and will try to check in on your threads in the future.<P>God Bless

Orchid and Empty Shell,<P> Thank you both for your responses. It does help me to get input from others.<BR> W and I went out for dinner last night, alone. Our three kids went to my inlaws house. The inlaws know that there is a problem. Initially we couldn't talk about anything. We just look at each other waiting and waiting for our table. Then a song came on. I don't know the title or who sang it. It hang a very jazzy beat. Some of the words were "don't lie to me". That broke the ice last night.<BR> When we sat at a table we began discussing issues again. The issues went on and on, mostly about OM. After I broke into her email, I swore I would never do that again. She feels that she can't trust me with that and continuousely deletes her emails until nothing is left. She still feels very violated by my intrusion. I had to ask her a series of questions because of that. If I didn't do that, how far would it have gone? Where would that relationship be today, one week later? Where would it be next week and the week after? How long would it have taken for the EA to include a PA.<BR> Our discussion lead into talk of separation. How could we afford it? Where would we go? What about the kids? We both feel that long before we would ever go to a divorce that we would need to go through a separation. However short or long that separation might be.<BR> We both want this to work. We just don't know how to make it work yet. <BR> <P>------------------<BR>QAEng

QA - you're better off than you may realize - at least she shows some rationality. Many of us here would like to be in your position because our spouses are still in denial.<P>Cruise this site and suck up all the info you can. Buy and read Harleys books, His Needs/Her Needs and Surviving an Affair. Be supportive and look at yourself to see what you need to improve on. You can survive this and prosper.<P>WAT

Thanks to all.<P>Now I need to add another spin to this all.<BR>Two days after I found out what my W was up to. (This past Sunday night.) My dad called. He proceeded to tell me about this woman that he has been looking for for years and years. They have finally found each other. This woman is the woman that my father cheated on my mother with more than 30 years ago. My mother died 7 years ago. I am glad she can not see this now.<BR> I talked and talked with my dad like I was so happy for him. I think I even convinced him to go see her. <BR> What I really wanted to tell him is that he is a Son of a B****. If I could only tell him what I am going through right now. His past betrayl against my mother is now further compounding my fear, pain, and anger at my W. I need to tell her this but she is still sleeping now. I just realized this whole thing just a short time ago.<BR> How could I have told him what I did?<P><BR>Life goes on...

I am sorry but I feel I must put in my two cents worth if this is all right with you. What you wife is doing is so classic as to what a betraying spouse does. They incredible try to turn it around on the betrayed spouse. Her comments to you are outlandish. She says she can't trust you because you broke into her emails. She says she feels violated by your intrusion. Hello - what is wrong with this picture?<BR>She was the one that had "pure and unadultrated sex" with another man behind your back and lied to you about it. It is clear that she is the untrustworthy one here and it is you <BR>were violated by her adultry. In addition, she broke the<BR>agreements with you again. Yet she says she can't trust you?<BR>What a joke that statement is. Please don't buy into her twisted logic. It again is very very typical of a cheating spouse to say that it is all your fault and you made them do it.<BR>It is also typical to hear the line that I lied to you because I did not want to hurt you. It is all a bunch of bull and justification for their actions.<P>I was curious in your discussion in that when you told her that if you had not read her emails and asked her how long would it have taken to go from EA to PA if you had not read them. You quoted from her emails that she had engaged in various sex acts with this OM. Does she know that you know this and is she still lying to you? I just think it is really sick that she says she can't trust you and she feels violated. I would question what you really have in a person who could say that to you after what she has engaged in. Don't let her mentally abuse you with her convoluted logic which is what she is doing.

Bryanp,<P> I do need to clarify one thing for you. Physically she never did anything. It was all in her mind. I don't know if that makes it any better or worse. All I do know is that she has never physically seen or touched the OM. I was not clear in what I had said before. In the instant messaging she vividly described sex acts that they wanted to do. They had not yet been able to meet each other to carry out on their discussions. I am sorry for the confusion there.<BR> I do agree with you she has broken a much more sacred trust with me than some computer program security. When we married we both swore to each other to foresake all others. We swore to be true to each other. Those promises mean much more than whether or not some reads some mail or email. She doesn't see that yet. She continues to say that she needs her space and what she calls "me time". I agree with her that we need time to ourselves so that we do not loose what we mean to ourselves. But at the same time we also need "us time" that has been missing from our relationship for quite some time now.<P>Again thank you to all. I need you words of encouragement and support if I am going to get through this. As I have said before, there is no one that I can talk to here so I will talk with all of you.<P><P>------------------<BR>QAEng<BR>"What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder." Matthew 19:6.

What a bad week last week was ending with such a bad weekend. The only good thing was that on Sunday I was finally able to get control of my feelings and emotions again. Well that was until last night...<BR>Last night we were able to talk about all or most of our problems. We, especially I, learned allot about what and how long our problems have been around. Apparently they have been around for nearly 7 years. Many of our<BR>problems stem from my inability to properly control and vent anger in a constructive manner instead of a destructive manner. I have always know that and believe that comes from a very long time ago. I do not blame anyone for that as I am the one who is responsible and should be making my own decisions about my actions. I know that I have ALLOT of problems. W knows this too. She is willing to help me but we have to get past the EA before we can work on it.<BR> Anyway, last night she confessed to me that she talked with OM on Thursday. The day before our first counciling session. She had said something during our session about having talked with him but not the day before. I have<BR>since totally lost control of my emotions and feelings again.<BR> Looking into W's eyes last night and seeing that she wants to call him, she wants to email him, and who knows what else. It is all just to much to handle right now.<BR> I am trying to deal with this EA at the same time that I am dealing with feelings about what my father is doing with the woman who he cheated on my mother with before I was born.<BR> So much to deal with and no time to do so. So much pain to handle with no relief.<P>Thanks for the ear y'all.<P>------------------<BR>QAEng<BR>"What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder." Matthew 19:6.