Ok! Here I sit at 1:50am, my H is due back from the airport as he has been gone for two days, had called the house earlier to say he'd call when he landed as I would be at work. He called me at work and asked if I wanted coffee and I said that if he wanted some and was going to stop and get himself some that I would take a cup but if he wanted to go home that was ok too. He showed up about 45 minutes later with coffee and my favorite kind of doughnut. I thanked him and told him how much I appreciated it. We visited about nothing things for about an hour. (I have a really easy job, I babysit a telephone that rarely rings)<P>This is the man that says that he doesn't want to be with me anymore and has asked for a divorce, but sleeps next to me every night with no intamcy (I thought he couldn't sleep if he wasn't sleeping on my side of the bed before) Doesn't sleep in the bed most nights that I work, either.<P>We have worked hard to keep things as quite as possible so that the kids won't know, til we are ready to tell them.<P>I just don't get it, how can he say he doesn't want to be with me, wants to be with OW as she is the one that will make him happy, but still be so nice and continue to say "I love you" all the time? I just don't get it? I 'm the one to give the cold shoulder when ever there had been a disagreement. It's things like the coffee and doughnuts that keep the hope alive but is it false hope? I try to stay loving and caring toward H, as I don't want there to be things and words that I regret when he comes to his senses, I don't want to have to work through all of that, I just want to be there for my husband and friend.<P>I guess I could probably keep typing as the phone probably won't ring tonight, but won't. Take care everyone, any insight would be helpful, but for the most part it just helps to type it out and see the words, for me.

Dear daybreak,<BR>I hope you are in bed now and getting some sleep. You sound exhausted. <P>His behavior suggests that he hasn't made up his mind yet. He is uncertain of the future, ie. will things works out with the OW long term, will I miss the children more than I expect to, what will my family, friends and colleagues think of me, in other words is this what he really wants. <P>The problem is that because he isn't sure he is keeping you there on board and at his side until he has made a firm decision. <P>I would guess that you feel like his emotional safety net. Even if he decides to pursue the OW thing and leave, he will still want you there in case he finds he has made a mistake. In time most of them want out of the affair but it is up to you whether or not you can be strong enough to deal with the emotional rollercoaster while all this is going on.<P>For your children's sake, you will have to dig deep and stay strong.<P>Hope

No I am not to bed yet I have til 8 ET to go, but have a job that I am able to take a nap when needed, so will do that before to long. Thanks for the reply, Yes I have stayed strong and by his side at this time but wonder why sometimes? Am I being made a foul (SP) of? Does he appreciate me be strong? Does he see me as trying to guilt him in to staying? I just keep thinking and have said before I just want to be there for my friend when he comes to his senses, I try hard to keep the faith that this is a mid-life crisis thing.

Dear Daybreak,<P>I sit here to and it is 12:37 pm out in this part of the world. My H has said and done the same. First it was I am not in love with you but I care for you, so I must leave and get a divorce. Make sense?!!?!?! No.<P>Then it was, I found out that I really love you and want to come home but first you must promise to take me back as I am with H not having to cut off all communications with OW first. Make sense?!?!?! No.<P>Now it is, I love you but I am scared to come home because I am afraid I will go out and cheat on you again with OW or someone else. Make sense?!?!?!? No.<P>Oh, the waffling. They want security, stability, shelter, promises while they promise nothing and commit to nothing. Make sense?!?!?! No.<P>So what does this do to us? Drives me crazy. Thought I would go insane. Until.... until I got off that rollercoaster. Yes, you can step off. Let your H waffle on his own. <P>You love your H, you can be his friend but he needs to waffle alone. You need to show your stability and strength. They do see it and if they long for it enough they may come to their senses and come home. <P>Some take longer than others. My H told me where he knows his true happiness lies but he insists on preventing himself from coming home. Make sense?!?!?! No. So I wait and watch. I tell him he can come home when he cuts off all contact with OW. He says a part of him still wants her (claims not for sex) yet he also claims it is a fleshly part. Make sense?!?!?!? No. So for now, I have to let him go and waffle on his own. <P>I hope your H does not go as far as mine has. So much of what they say and do does not make sense. <P>I can not say you are being given false hopes. Somewhere between the waffling and the fog, your H is trying to tell you how he really feels but may not know how to get there. We see it so clearly that we are frustrated when WS's can't see it. But in their troubled mind, maybe they can't. I am not sure. <P>Please get some rest. There is no logic in the fog. Patience is your best allie at the momment. <P>L.