Through the painful haze of sorting out what has happened here, my husband has talked to me about a woman at his work that he developed strong feelings for. He actually told me that he was attracted to her from the time she began working at his company (over a year and a half ago), and over time the attraction developed into love. Yes, he felt he was in love with her. After being torturned by these feelings for quite some time, eventually he told her how he felt. She responded by saying that while she was attracted to him as well (she is not married, but in a long term, live-in relationship) she did not want to be cause of a broken family, she didn't want to be a second wife, didn't want to be a stepmother, etc., and encouraged him to work on his marriage and forget his feelings for her.<P>It was during the time my H's feelings were becoming most intense for this woman that I began my affair. He had been distancing himself from me emotionally and physically as his feelings deepened for her, which he now admits. He says he felt guilty about the feelings for her, but that he couldn't be close to me because it didn't feel right due to the emotions for her. He even went so far as to admit that had she reciprocated his feelings and not turned him down, he probably would have begun an affair with her.<P>I asked him how he feels about her now. He says he is still attracted and has feelings for her, although things have been awkward and more distant between them since he confessed his love and she wanted nothing to do with a relationship with him.<P>All those many months he was beginning to feel "love" for her, I never really suspected anything involving another person, but was painfully stumped as to why he didn't seem to want me. When he would pull away from my touch, or not want to make love, eventually I started askign if there was someone else, just because that always seems the obvious explaination. He always emphatically denied it.<P>My question is this: would his relationship with her constitute a kind of "affair"? Does he need to get a new job, too? Deep down I feel like as long as he works with and sees this woman every day (their desks are beside each other!) maybe his feelings for her will never die out. Plus, maybe she would change her mind and decide to have a relationship with him??? <P>He is defensive about that relationship and feels absolved of any guilt about it because it never turned physical, and therefore was not a "real" affair as mine was, which he is quick to emphasize. And it doesnt' make me feel any better to know that it COULD have turned physical if only she'd been willing.<P>Although I still am drowning in guilt, I am angry that my H can't see what is to me an obvious chain of events. What to do, what to do? Thoughts please...

If a relationship with another person takes energy and time that should be put into the marriage AWAY from that marriage that relationship may be called an affair. Add the fact that he felt affection/attraction/love ... and it is definitely an affair. It would be termed an "emotional affair" - and even if the feelings are not returned by that other person, it obviously took him away from you emotionally.<P>That doesn't, of course, excuse your own actions, but it may help you to understand why you felt he had withdrawn from you - he HAD withdrawn from you.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Hi calla,<P>Yes, it's an affair.<P>ALWAYS, listen to your gut, which told you what you already know!! It never steers you wrong!!<P>I want to discuss this in depth with you, but I'm rushed for time.<P>I will write a big long response tomorrow.<P>In the meantime, this response will pull this back up to the top...<P>See you tomorrow!!<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck

Hi calla30,<P>Your husband is smack in the midst of an EMOTIONAL affair. Sometimes they are the most difficult kind, because he is sort of "worshipping" her. The fact that she refused to get involved with him might actually make her more attractive to him. But you're right, there is always the chance that she will change her mind, particularly if her own relationship develops problems. Most people refuse to accept the fact that it IS an affair even if there is no sex. My husband used that excuse too, but it eventually turned physical, so he couldn't hide behind that anymore.<P>My opinion on the working together thing is exactly what New Beginnings expressed on another thread. It might be possible to work together after an affair is over without it starting back up, but there are very few on this site that have been able to do it.<P>Best wishes,<P>Peppermint

Dear God Calla, Run do not walk to counseling!! While there is never an excuse for an affair, You were looking for something you weren't getting and needing. Your H was giving what belongs to you to some one else. Thank God, she has principles!! But Yeah, it makes her easier to "worship".<P>You guys have issues that I can't imagine you will resolve on your own until he admits to the emotional affair. And should she become "unhappy, well, you know where that will go,since he now has an "excuse" to want her more,now that he has been hurt. <P>Counseling is painful but it will help you both to deal with what's really going on..Just MY take on it...hope this helps

thank you Terri, Sheryl, Peppermint and Wounded. I'm glad to know maybe I'm not crazy for thinking of these feelings my H has for this woman as an affair.<P>I was wondering if it might be a good idea to let my H read my postings here. I have read back over several of them and I think I've explained my feelings pretty well...maybe he could learn something about me and about himself as well by reading my posts and all of your replies that have been so helpful to me.<P>thanks again!!!<P>Calla

Dear Calla30,<P>EA realtionships are often more difficult to deal with than the actual PA. Usually it is the EA that leads to the PA. <P>Why is that? Well, EA's deal with ideas/fantasies swimming around in the heads of the WS & OP individually or together. In your case, the EA is more in the mind of your H. Yet it is still an EA. When these ideas/fantasies create thoughts of life changing decisions (leaving family, divorce, not-in-love with you symdrome, change in communication/sex life, etc.) this becomes an issue tha the couple (H & W) must work on together. The Emotional Needs questionnaire is helpful in showing the real needs of each mate. It is done in such a way that attitudes of the other are not a factor in filling out the questionnaire. What I mean by that is you are not asking the questions, an unbiased 3rd party is via the questionnaire so your H need not feel threatened & visa versa. Next counseling would be good for the both of you. If you are not able to secure a 'good counselor/therapist in your area, consider the phone counseling service offered here on this site by the Harley's. My H & I did it once, need to do it more and plan to (H is on the fence but has to decide by next month). We also have a counselor in our area and use him also. <P>You have your H home with you. Your chances are recovery are greater than others. I wish you well on this journey. <P>L.<P><BR>

{{{calla}}}:<P>You have received so much good advice already I really don't have much to add except for support!<P>You asked if maybe it would be a good idea to get your husband to read the posts here. My take is that it could be, but I had a bad experience with my husband reading mine at one point. He believed that I posted to much detail of a counseling session and it was a <B>huge</B> lovebuster.<P>Perhaps you could use your posts and the responses to sort of outline what it is you would like to say to your husband?<P>Whatever you choose, think carefully and do try to avoid those things that hurt your H. I know you know that, but it never hurts to be reminded...take it from one who knows! <P>All the best to you.<BR>--HBC

Hi,<P>Me again. I meant to add this piece in earlier. <P>I did send some of the posts here to my H. But not necessarily mine. In fact, I mostly cut and pasted posts from others (not always sent via MB's e-mail forwarding service because that takes them straight to the site and for a while I did not want H to see all that I was posting - LB and all - his frame of mind would not have understood).<P>Anyway eventually he did. I did e-mail stuff my personal e-mail address to the family one that he reads. So I was also able to tell when he read them. It did have good benefits and some negative. Like the one I did send him the other day was straight from MB and he saw my response. H now asks if I am speaking directly to any of the men on the board since he saw me call one of them by their first name. Jealous? Yes, he is. I had to show that this man put his name on his post and that is how people refer to him. Not an A. issue going on here. <P>So choose carefully. It can be helpful or it may not. <P>L.

Calla30 - I concur with the advice you've already received. Your H is in an EA. I hope his experience sheds some understanding on yours.<P>WAT

add on here too...<P>I brought my ex to this place and in the end I think it HURT more than helped...<P>Now Peppermint and Dylan both have H's who post here, and I think it's HELPED them... Nicole and her H did too... ES and hopeful... oh, LOTS of couples really...<P>But for me and my ex, it only served to make him feel inferior (he isn't a very good writer or reader) and pressured...<P>It's your decision based on what you know about your situation.