<BR>Ever since my husband's affair was found out every word out of his mouth seems to be a lie. When do the lies ever stop? He doesn't live at home, but we seem to be getting along better and I have been trying to Plan A, but the lies keep throwing me for a loop.<P>Now I find myself wondering if he was always a liar or if this is because of mid-life crisis and the affair.<BR>

I know exactly how you feel. Even in times when my wife seems more friendly than others, she lies routinely. Even things that just do not require a lie. It seems to be in her blood now and just part of her lifestyle. And I have the same question....is this just the way she is, or is it mostly from the affair and her early midlife crisis.<P>I've found a few things out that were distortions/lies from the past, and wonder just how much she lied before the affair.<P>I don't have the answers for you, but certainly share in your feelings about this. I think many of us do. The lying, whether there before or not, is outrageous during an affair, as we all know.

Mische - ditto Rick; lies seem to be a staple diet. It's all part of the disease/alien abduction/moose brain worms. Always a liar? I find myself asking the same question. Funny thing, my wife always stated her admiration of my honesty.<P>I think it's safe to assume that everything stated may be a lie. A good reference is Private Lies, by Pittman. Very revealing. Our challenge is how to receive statements we know are lies. Immediately question, or grin and bear it? My wife can be very Clintonian - if I don't ask the right question, she can rationalize not telling the whole truth. It really can depend on what the definition of "is" is. <P>Be careful of love busting. I think it's almost always an LB to to challenge a lie, because they always seem to react with anger. <P>WAT

I love Harley's description of 'addicts'. With affairs falling into the addiction category-- "addicts are notorious liars; sincerity is their specialty".<P>I try to chalk it up to the 'disease' talking, not them. At least that way it doesn't feel like a personal stab.

I wouldn't say every word out of my wife's mouth was a lie. It's only anything I hear that relates to the OP.<P>Aside from that, I trust my wife implicitly.

Hi Mishe:<P>Well, to hear my WS tell it, he is either protecting me from hurt or is afraid if he tells me the truth I will use it against him at some point. And there are things that I know to be true that he will not admit too even now and it's been over a year. I think the things that he feels will reflect badly on him he tries to keep to himself<P>To a certain extent I think WSs don't really want to accept that what they are doing is wrong so they lie about it...sometimes even to themselves. But mostly I think it is just a matter of taking the easier route...the route that involves less pain for them. And after all we may think we want to know the truth but may not be ready for it.<P>My solution is to just not ask at this point...there will come at time for all the questions to be answered...and there are some questions that will never be answered. It's part of having low expectations now...don't expect the truth as long as OW is still in the picture. <P>No, I think that lying is just part of the A process...not necessarily a character flaw...my WS was always a very truthful person before all this happened and was never very good at lying anyway...you can always tell...but he still would rather lie then face me with the truth...your WS is probably the same. You can lie to yourself but not to some people.<P>Faye<P><BR>

Do the lies ever stop? Well all I can say is that I have been avoiding my feelings for years by using lies. These lies did go away till about 15 mos ago when I stuffed some feelings. Today I am honest I do not lie, but only thru the grace of GOD the program of AA and a lot of hard gut wrenching work on my part do they stop. Have I told a lie latley yes I have. But when I was confronted on it I accepted it owned apologized from my heart for it, and accept the consequences for it with out anger. Will I ever lie again? More than likely yes I will, but how I handle it is the change for me. Do I have the trust of alot of people today? NO! I destroyed that trust especailly with me W but I am trying my very best and then some to build it back up again. <P>What I would suggest is set bounderies, stick to those bounderies. Set predetermined consequences for lies. I even write a contract with my self on a daily basis for not lieing. I will do a daily contract for 60 days, then a weekly for three months then a monthly for the rest of my life, if I lie I go back to daily, heck I did make it almost 30 days with out a lie, now it is once again coming up on three weeks.<P>

Your question is a very good one. I too wondered it about my husband's truthfullness. He lied so well, did it with so little concience, it was amazing. <P>Do I believe him now? Well, let me see, if he says the sun is shining, I check. Will I ever trust him? Hard to say. He is very good at saying what he knows oher people want to hear. I feel this has been his way for many years, and I have just now realized it.<P>I feel deep in my heart that eventually all lies have to face the light of day, I can honestly say it will be when you least expect it.<P>