Today I prepared for Plan B. I nicely boxed up & bagged all of H's clothes and have them stored in the garage. Had the locksmith out to change all the locks on the house. As I was straightening up the garage this afternoon I stumbled across one of OW's recent cards to H. It was with a couple of Sunday paper job sections in the city where OW lives.<P><BR>"Hi sweatheart. I love you. (BLECH!!) I want you to be with me at the wedding. You understand that if you can't get there, I'll miss you but I'll get over the disappointment (MANIPULATION!!). Also, to clarify my position on this a bit, if you're going to meet my family, we need a bit more progress yet. Like filing (PUSH, PUSH!). I really hope this works (SUBTLE THREAT). Love you, OW"

I didn't hit Submit & I wasn't finished. ARGH!! <P>Anyway, the card also had flight numbers and times for this trip she's taking which is May2 -May6. I don't think H headed out of town to meet her as it wouldn't take him two weeks to get there and he would have taken the card with the flight info. Somehow I don't think he's with OW because he took a larger suitcase this time; normally he takes a small carry on.<P>I think OW is putting the screws to him and he's on the run! No wonder he hates his life. Mr. all time non-confrontation is in panic mode!!<P>Boy is he going to be surprised when he arrives back here next week (if he comes back) to find himself locked out.<P>Tomorrow I am going to pen a very nice Plan B letter and tape it to the front door. I am not letting him back into my life until he makes some major changes. Which, the way he's going, may be never.<P>Anyway, finding that card made my day!!!

Sidney,<P>Hey, I am just checking in and found this. I was snooping to see who the Card Fairey is!<P>Anyway, I am super proud that you did decide to go to Plan B. Honestly, you have PLan A'd so much and your other Plan B really wasn't right with all his calls and weekend visits.<P>Your H needs to have all his needs met by just one person. If the OW can really do it, which I doubt because he has never been able to detach from you, then now is her time to prove it. If not, your H will get the reality check he so desperately needs to see things as they will be if he continues as he has with the OW.<P>The bottom line is that he is not doing things to improve the marriage, and won't ever be able to unless he severs all contact with the OW. You have given him so many "chances" and done too much of the work for him. I think this is really his only chance to realize that he has to help himself first.<P>It won't be easy, but you can do it, Sidney. I suspect when he returns, he will still be trying to call you at work and home and give yet again seek your sympathy to come back and be a part of your life without giving up the OW.<P>My prayers are with you!<P>Love ya,<P>Desiree<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Hi Desiree,<P>Wow I must be really losing it. I could have sworn that I replied to you around 05:00. Anyway, thanks for the kind words. Yes, it's Plan B all the way for me. I'm much stronger now than I've ever been. Actually, sadly, I'm to the point that I really wish he would just stay away. He has lied to me so many times that I don't know that I could ever trust him again. I'm ready to move on with my life. He has been such a downer that I now only wish to be around people that are upbeat and positive. I used to admire him and think he had integrity. Now, I only pity him. I feel like we are on two totally different planes now. I have reached into the depths of my soul and examined my life and I think I've emerged with a better understanding of what's really important. He on the other hand, has slipped into a morass of moral decay. He has no self esteem, no values, no goals, and is very needy and pessimistic about nearly everything in life. He has no desire to help himself. I know in my heart that I can go much higher and further without him. I really believe everything happens for a reason. I've prayed for God to show me the way-- that no matter what HIS plans are, I will accept them.

Sidney,<P>WOW! I can understand where you are coming from. It was only when I put my situation in God's hands that I was able to truly "let go" and set myself free in terms of expectations. I began a daily prayer to God, which I still pray today and this is it:<P>"Dear God, it's me again. Thy will be done. Please give me the strength, courage and fortitutde to accept Thy will."<P>Once I started this daily prayer, it seemed that my attitude and perspective changed almost overnight. I gave up on the expectations of certain outcomes - especially the one that my marriage would be restored. God has a plan for all of us, and we don't know what that plan is. It just unfolds itself through the course and events of our lives.<P>I do encourage you to pray for Mike, though. As much as he has put you through, I know it is hard to do. He has put himself repeatedly in situations that make his recovery impossible. Yes, I can see how his "neediness" has made you feel sucked dry. His recovery, though, has to begin with himself. He has so many issues to be dealt with, and unless he takes the first step, it just isn't going to happen. I do think this is the best chance you can give him to help himself.<P>I am thinking about you and praying for you and him. However things work out, I know that you have done and given your all. Spend the time now to give yourself a big emotional rest, Sidney. You need to focus on yourself a bit. Your "giver" needs a good, long rest, my friend.<P>Love ya, Desiree<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Sidney, honey,<P>I just read your post...I've been away for a long time.<P>I'll pray for you. Has this new trial brought on any headaches?<P>lizzie

Hi Desiree,<P>You are right. I need a very long rest. All in all though I am holding up pretty well. My main focus is on me now. I have prayed for H but as the saying goes, "God helps those who help themselves". Not only does he not want to help himself, he has turned his back on God. He refuses to get off his pity pot. I don't think that I will ever have a 'normal' (if there is such a thing!) life with this man. Not unless he wants to come to grips with his problems-- which for now, he's running from. It's his MO.<P>Slowly, I have been detaching and building my own life. And it's a pretty good life, filled with hope. H is like an emotional cancer who has been sucking the very life out of me. Sad to say, but I am happier when he is not around. He never has anything nice to say to me, and is actually envious of any successes I may have in my life. He is jealous of any friendships I may have. He is miserable to be around because he is miserable with himself. He's taken the "easy road" to try to boost his self esteem by getting involved with OW. He won't give her up because she's the only thing left that he thinks validates his identity. As Phil McGraw would say, "he just doesn't get it". I discovered yesterday that he lied again (imagine that!) and he didn't head west; he's with OW again.<P>Hi Lizzie,<P>Thanks for the prayers! No, my headaches seem to have subsided. I don't seem to get them when H is out of the picture. Do you think there might be a correlation there? Ha!

We have not "met", as I mostly lurk now. But I wanted to say Congrats on going to plan B. It takes courage and conviction; and we are here to help.

Hi ZYCB,<P>Nice to meet you! Thanks for the kind words. Although this has been a very devastating experience, I have learned that there are still a lot of very, very good people out there. Sometimes, you have to really search them out, but they do exist!!!

Sidney,<P>Well I am not surprised one bit that he is with the OW. I am sorry for you, as I know it must hurt to find out about the lies once again.<P>I am encouraged by your post in many aspects. The fact that you are focusing on yourself makes me so very happy. You are a wonderful person, Sidney. You have done a great job at work and your accomplishments are many, as well as your friends. You have a good attitude about accepting the part you just can not do for another. It is a hard pill to swallow - that you can not save a person that you love from their own self-destructive habits.<P>You are due a brighter day any day now, friend. It will come one day. Keep your prayers going - they never leave you feeling anything but better. It is good to know that God is there to listen to all our troubles - He never gets tired of listening, either.<P>You know I will be watching for your posts, and you have my e-mail if you need me. I am here for you, friend.<P>Take care, Love, Desiree<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Thanks so much, Desiree. I really needed that. For unknown reasons, my mood took a downturn this afternoon. Negative thoughts have been creeping in, like- I'm not even good enough for a loser. I know it's a ridiculous thought, but I suppose the full impact of all the demeaning experiences are finally sinking in. I think that I've been numb most of the time for the last year as a way of protecting myself. Now, that I'm finally accepting this, the numbness is wearing off, and all the other emotions are flooding in.<P>I said at the start of this year that 2001 is going to be MY year. It's been a rough start, but I do believe that.<P>I'm going to send you an email because I need your advise on a few things. Thanks for watching out for me!! You are a treasure!