It was an ugly weekend.<BR>Yesterday, however, my W convinced me that everything that has gone wrong is my fault and that she did not have an affair. She is filing for divorce today. <P>All I ever tried to do is love her. Now I am not sure that I can ever love anyone else again. I am not even sure that there is anything left in this world. I have lost everything - her family, my family, my kids, and my W.<P>I will not be cluttering up these boards anymore with my issues. Thank you to all you kind people who have supported me over the past few months.<P>dave <BR>

I'm sorry to hear of your current situation. However, please don't stop coming on MB. We are here to help, and now is not the time to be leaving the board, based on your recent events and overall situation. So please don't go, because you are not cluttering up the board....you are doing what we all do....getting support, helping others as well, and being a part of something that is so important to us all.<P>What is the latest living arrangement. Are you back at your house, or still out?<P>Your wife is in the classic affair situation, and it simply is not your fault. Don't blame yourself for this, and don't let her convince you that everything is your fault. They all do the same thing. Mine had me convinced too for the first couple of months, and even her whole family was telling me that it is not my fault, that I spoiled her and gave her everything, and that this was her issue to deal with and her bad decision. So don't be fooled by what your wife is telling you.<P>The important thing for you right now is a good Plan A. And I mean a good one. Have you talked to Steve?<P>Anyway, keep coming here for help and to vent. Please keep us posted on what happens with you. Take care.

Don't go away!!! You need support more now than ever. Don't accept all the blame, either.

Rick37,<P>I am still out of the house. How can I Plan A when my W is going to file today. My W and kids are everything to me. If she takes that all away I have nothing. No reasons for anything.

The fact that your wife is filing is not the end. She is in the fog, and you can't conclude that this is the end of your marriage. One thing is for sure...if you don't fight for it, it won't be saved. You've got to be the one with the belief that you can recover.<P>I know that this day is awful. Please come here for support because many have experienced the same thing. It is not over. I have to go, but hopefully you'll get more advice than what I can give.

SAC,<P>Dont Give UP!!! I can't tell you how many times my H told me it was over, it wouldn't work, blah blah blah. Things can and do change. Keep up your Plan A. You don't have to agree to a D. Keep coming here. Dont Give up!

How can it not be over if she is filing. I don't understand. If she files AND I make it through the next couple of days, I will fight to the bitter end to keep my children. Won't that make it ugly. At this point though, she can have whatever she wants. Thats all I've ever tried to do for her, why stop now.

cleopatra<P>in my state only one person has to want a D and it happens. it doesn't matter if i agree or not.<BR>dave

Hi S&C,<P>Been where you are. WS's are so sure what they want that they are not sure what they are doing. Is that confusing? Yes. But is that what is happening? Yes. <P>Ok, now that we have put things in their perspective, I ask you, do you think your wife is capable of going through all the steps? My H threatened D many times over the past 5 months (about 6 - 8 times). At first I tried to talk him out of it, then I said ok. What I did in the meantime is do my D research. There is a post about websites that show you what is required for a D in your state. These websites also answer questions many in our situation have. You might want to visit them. <P>I have a meeting to go to in 20 minutes. Will post the reference later. Just hang in there. These are threats your W is making, she might follow through with some of them. But she has a lot on her plate right now. Time and patience is what you must cultivate. Be her friend. Let her see what she is throwing away. She will not appreciate all your logic. Trust me I have been there done that with H. <P>Will write more later. Don't leave us not yet.<P><BR>L.<BR>

Orchid,<P>AFter 13 years, I never thought my W could do this. But anymore she continues to surprise me. I asked her yesterday why she hasn't filed yet (she keeps threatening). She said because she hasn't had the courage, but that it wasn't because she had second thoughts about me. She said I keep hanging on to hope when there isn't any. She said she is afraid to be nice to me for fear that I will think I have a chance. I don't think there is any more hope. I have cried all night long and questioned whether there's anything left for me.

S&C - your wife is so much like the other WSs described here - and the former WSs that have shared their stories. We can help you find the strength to hang on. We validate your pain. Please consider seeing a doctor to be evaluated for depression. Seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness.<P>Don't look so far down the road, it has overwhelmed you. Take one day at a time. You can handle one day, then the next, and the next. But don't try to get to the end in one move. Small steps. You can do it - if we can, you can.<P>WAT

SAC,<P>You see, she is confused. That is what you must understand. Don't prompt her about the D. Keep loving her and doing your Plan A. Things can turn around. <P>I also agree with WAT, please see someone for depression. You nned support.<P>cleo

Your W may have TOLD you everything is your fault but whether you choose to internalize that and turn that anger on yourself is YOUR choice. My H has told me the same thing- that I can never change enough to suit him and that its ME that drove him to the A!!! Dont you think this is just their way of minimizing their guilt and rationalizing what they know deep down is wrong- ( giving in to their selfish emotions, breaking up a family, defying God etc. etc.) Just think- that is ALOT to rationalize away- so you and that pesky marriage must have been REALLY bad- thats the way she is looking at it. My H threatened divorce for the last month then 2 wks ago FILED on me- came home that day for lunch said the marriage was over, didnt want counseling etc etc. I told him that since he filed and HE was seeking a divorce against my will, HE would have to explain it all to our 3 kids by HIMSELF- that our teen daughter would find out exactly what all led to the divorce, that the guilt would be on HIS hands not mine. He went back to work, had a breakdown, came home said OW pressured him to do it and that he was making the worst mistake of his life and cancelled the divorce the next day. I am telling you, just take one darn day at a time, all things are possible.Each day has enough trouble in itself. Breathe Deep!!! lifeismessy

You can **not** sign the papers which will buy you time... and time is precious in the infidelity game...<P>Find a good lawyer before the paperwork begins to fly.<P>AND MOST OF ALL... THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!<P>I'm so sorry for your pain.<BR><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck

It is NOT i repeat NOT your fault at ALL.... remember that. I hate that when i hear of the leaving spouse blaming the spouse being left for everything. It does take two to cause problems in a married. But if your spouse becomes unfaithfull that is totally their responsibilitly. <BR>Sounds like when one person is physically abusive to the other, then blames them for causing them to hit them. Everyone should be responsible for their own actions. It probally makes her feel better about herself to blame you for everything. kind of takes away the guilt from her. <BR>Just listen to everyone on here..and you will find out that is it a classic story...and that you are NOT at fault.<P>------------------<BR>Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.

But what if she IS right. That there never was an EA and that the OM was just a friend and that my panic and behavior over all of this is what has caused my marriage to be over. I can not live with this guilt. It was me that has ruined the best thing in my life. I can not go through life knowing this.

But what if she IS right. What if there never was an EA and that the OM was just a friend and that my panic and behavior over all of this is what has caused my marriage to be over. I can not live with this guilt. It was me that has ruined the best thing in my life. I can not go through life knowing this.<p>[This message has been edited by sadandconfused (edited April 23, 2001).]

Run right out today and go to a book store and get and read <BR>Surviving An Affair...it may help answer alot of your questions. There is a very good chance that on some level you were not meeting her needs, but that is something that should be discussed. My wife(we are in the process of divorce) still tries to tell me that the EA that she has with Married man is my fault...That I "left the door open".. Bull crap. She was in control of herself, she chose that path. Just like your wife, even if she says that she is not having an affair. there is still something there that is causing her not to want to work things out.. Try to be as sweet to her as you can. and see how what that does.

S&C - Just like me early on, you may have been duped by her affair-inspired ability to deceive and be sincere at the same time. Please do not doubt yourself about what is going on. My wife has never admitted her affair - even after I caught them! "Just a friend." I bet every single WS in history has said this - either to themselves or their spouse.<P>You have not ruined anything.<P>WAT

You know tht "D" word is the WS's ace in the hole...the thing that will settle matters for all time between you and them...at least that's what they want to believe.<P>But nothing ends loves that easily...not for her and not for you...and the "fog" tells her this is what she wants..but you haven't been that easy to convince...because you're not in the fog and you can see more clearly then her.<P>So if you take her threat to see a lawyer as a final straw you'd be wrong...it's not over...she may never see the lawyer...or if she does...there still will be plenty of time for her to change her mind...expecially if you continue with Plan A. <P>So, accept this for what it is...another step in the A process...one that is usually taken by the WS to shown her commitment to OP and to the A. But a lot of things happen twixt the lawyer and the courtroom....a lot of things neither you or she can possibly foresee.<P>As for blame...there is enough blame for each side to have an equal portion but guilt makes it easier to blame on you.<BR>Don't accept her share of the guilt and certainly don't feel responsible for the A...that is entirely her doing...she had the options of staying and working on the marriage...she just made a mistake and choose the wrong option....and someday she will realize that...hopefully someday in the near future.<P>Stay here, you still have much to learn and much to give...no matter how this turns out.<P>Faye<P>