Hi friends (I feel as if I know you), I'm new to this forum, although I have been reading posts off and on for about a month. Many times I have felt that all of you were speaking for me, and about me. I've been comforted knowing there are others out there going through some of the same heartache - and joy.<BR>My husband of 8 years (15 years tog.) had an affair with a former coworker (16 years younger than us, we're 42) off and on for 5 years. It became serious over the last 8 months before d-day (July 2000). I found out when I broke into a secret email account while he was away on business, after becoming suspicious. Then the OW emailed me (after H told her I had found out) and filled me in on all the juicy details about their hot, sexy, soulmmate relationship (including the fact that they made love on my couch, in my car, right after I had called him at a hotel room, etc.). It was devastating, every sentence crafted to hurt me. I felt that my marriage - and my life - had been a sham. I almost commited suicide the night after I got the letter (hubby was still away and I was alone dealing with the pain). The thought of what that would do to our son stopped me in my tracks.<BR>Inspite of all of this, I never wanted to leave the marriage. I love him - still - and we have a young son who would be devastated by a divorce. H wasn't sure at first what he wanted to do, and after wavering back and forth decided to come home. I insisted on no contact, but he was unable to stop himself from calling her. We separated briefly twice so he could have some space to think about what he wanted, only to have him come home sure he wanted to stay in the marriage. Yes, he met with her both times we were apart.<BR>Things had been going really well (I thought) until this morning. I came home sick from work to find an instant message typed out to her left open on our computer. When I confronted H about it, he said that he hasn't been happy because we've been, in his words, fighting constantly the last two weeks (not entirely true). He has felt that he has been walking on eggshells, afraid to say the wrong thing and upset me. He said he is tired of having to comfort me, and not being able to express his feelings, for fear of upsetting me. He had sent her an email message and was going to meet with her, and needed some space (again). I told him that if he did, he would be putting the nail in the coffin of our marriage.<BR>He called me from the road, and said he decided that he wasn't going to meet with her, not to put the for sale sign on the house, that he just needed some time to himself to think things out. He said he loves me, he's just confused. I'm not sure if he is or isn't meeting her (he's away overnight for a few days on business, about an hour from here, but 10 mins. from her house).<BR>The sad thing is, I was really starting to feel better about us. I had resolved over the weekend to stop the occasional LBsters completely, and go totally Plan A, no matter what. <BR>Now I don't know. I'm thinking that maybe I should just walk away. My spirit has been suffering with all of the ambivalence on his part. I was wondering if anyone else had a WS who out of the blue walked away like this. What does it mean? How can he still have feelings for her, after all this time? Why would she still be waiting for him (I am certain there has been no contact at all since Jan.)<BR>It has been such a shock, and I'm trying to figure out what to do.<BR>Sorry this was so long. Believe me, there's tons I left out.<BR>Genevieve
