How is it possible to feel so much anger towards someone and still try to treat them with love and freindship? <P> First it was the hurt, humitliation, rejection and disbeleif. For all of us here, I don't believe I need to list all the stages in order. Maybe just out of order the same as all this affair buisness is out of order. Love, hate, disgust, betrayal, deciept, lies, liars, adultery, friendship, more...more...more.<P>I really need to calm down. My original question stands. God knows how painful this is. Will now write a letter to my H, explaining my detached and somewhat surley attitude. I was my Bday yesterday.. With the encouragement of freind we all went out the night before, yet when the actual day came he made no contact. (OW Bday shortly before mine...he sent love cards and promises that next year they would spend it together).<P>For 17 years he had always made sure that we had special plans for my Bday. This year, the Bstd, took the day off. Next week we have to be together for my Ds wedding (long trip and hotel rooms)... I am really having a hard time with this... Plan A, how?<P>Much love to you all for listening. Do I need calming down or now what? Thanks guys, my little vent. <P>

Dear Whatami,<P>You have every right to vent. No it is not easy to feel anger towards someone and then treat them nicely. <P>This wedding you are attending is for your D. You need to focus on the purpose of this memorable occasion and make sure it is a good memorable occasion for your D. <P>I am sorry that your STBX is being disrespectful of your needs. They do that while in the fog. Whatever he has promised the OW is rude. Whatever you say or do about this however may have little effect on him. <P>How is your D doing with the wedding plans? Is her father going to participate in the ceremony? Are you both expected to sit together and talk or see others? These may be some of the items you need to mentally prepare for ahead of time. <P>Putting things in perspective may help you have a better frame of mind. Weddings are emotional times without the added stress of what you are dealing with. <P>Maybe the following post may help. <BR>The response on this post helped me to understand the various stages of grieving and where I needed to be. It also broke up my grieving process so that I could handle what came up in my life. <P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html</A> <P>I know you have been through a lot and can get through this. Best wishes on your daughter's wedding. <P>Take Care,<BR>L. <P>Sorry for all the edits, I was getting a bit sleepy and had to rewrite a few sentences. <P>[This message has been edited by Orchid (edited April 24, 2001).]<P>[This message has been edited by Orchid (edited April 24, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by Orchid (edited April 24, 2001).]

Dear Orchid,<P>As always, your replies are right on target. Great thread, will continue to read, but now, have other obligations.<P>Guess I am still at the outrage state and acceptance would mean that it was over. To me it is either black or white. Shades of grey are not in my vision. <BR>I find it hard to even look at him let alone be kind and loving.<P>Know you have read some of my positive posts. Re: changing my self image just to be myself and great. It really works IF I am ready to give up on the M. So I have backed away and maybe gone the self pity , self indulgent route. <P>If I could just get to the acceptance part, I am quite sure I could handle it.<P>Thanks dear, you are so great to respond to us all.<P>Prayers and hugs.<BR>