Hi everyone,<P>Talked to Dr. Harley Fri. 4/20 and he encouraged continuation of Plan A, however, I don't think I am doing too well. Need some input on things to do, how to act with/toward WS. Am getting angry with him and OW....finally...and having a tough time keeping that in check. Dr.Harley clarified that Plan A is not to get the WS to fall in love with me again, just to change myself and to create a safe environment for his return should we move to Plan B. How do I know Plan A is working? How can I work on the things that WS says I needed to change if we barely communicate or spend time together? Still feel very sad and depressed and so lonely right now that it's hard to want to work on anything. Just want to withdraw and go away. I guess I've been expecting too much and expecting the wrong things. Any ideas on things to do, say, etc. would be greatly appreciated. Hope all is well with you all. You've been in my thoughts and prayers. Thanks for all the help and encouragemnet.....if I didn't have this site and you guys and prayer and my small support group, I'd never make it. God has provided a wonderful resource here and I am so thankful. Talk to you soon.<BR>Jan

lonelyheart~<P>Since you know what Plan "A" does and what you need to do. Even if you don't see or get a response from WS doesn't mean they don't notice. Keep improving yourself to the person you want to be. <P>I understand how hard this can be without getting something in return from your WS. <P>Keep your chin up,<BR>Judy

Lonelyheart,<P>Although I'm sorry things aren't going well I'm glad to hear from you ~ I was thinking of you the other day.<P>I'm at a loss! I would love to give your H some 2X4 therapy for what he's doing to you. <P>I don't know if you're familiar with Al-Anon or any of those support groups for families, but I went to al-anon last fall when my H said he relapsed with his drug addiction. I never knew him when he was using so I was unfamiliar with the pregram and I didn't quite understand his addiction. Anyway, I learned a lot about <B>detaching with love</B>. <P>Detaching with love does NOT mean you stop loving the person. It means you stop the insanity and how your life is dictated by the addict. You stop enabling the addict and you stop taking responsibilty. You also stop bailing them out of the trouble they get into because of their addiction (i.e., don't call his work if he's hungover and can't make it in).<P>Before I go any further... <B>STOP</B>...<P>... <B>BREATHE</B> ...<P><BR>... <B>RECOVER ~~~ REFOCUS ~~ REGENERATE!</B><P>Okay this is what I did when I finally <B>successfully</B> Plan A'd.<BR><UL TYPE=SQUARE><BR>I stopped focusing on the marriage and the As<BR>I started focusing on myself and MY healing<BR>I stopped allowing my Hs actions to affect me<BR>I packed up all the books on infidelity and bought books for healing myself<BR></UL><P>I recommend <B>The Language of Letting Go</B> by Melody Beattie. This is a book of daily meditations. Melody Beattie has written a few books on codependency that might help you.<P>Did Dr. Harley suggest putting a time limit on your Plan A attempts? Although I don't want to recommend Plan B I have heard BSs say they stayed in Plan A too long. Plan B is designed to safe guard the love you have left for your WS. Have you gotten on the Plan A/Plan B board? You may find better answers there.<P><B>Just for today</B> do something that makes you feel happy and good about yourself. I used to spend time at Barnes & Noble to read and enjoy a cup of coffee without having to think about the mess my marriage was in. <P><B>Just for today</B> is a motto from al-anon.<P>Another al-anon saying is <B>It works if you work it so work it YOU'RE WORTH IT!</B> <P>One last thing - did you check out the mule story posted by SKM? It's wonderful and useful to gain perspective as to why we continue on when it hurts so much. Here's the link: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/002783.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/002783.html</A> <P>Good luck to you ~ you're in my prayers!<P> <P>Sorry for the length of this post.<P>------------------<BR><B><I>RECOVER * REFOCUS * REGENERATE ~ BREATHE * RELAX</I></B><P>By Eleanor Roosevelt ~~<BR><UL TYPE=SQUARE><BR><LI>"People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built." <P><LI>"No one takes advantage of you without your permission."<BR></UL><p>[This message has been edited by Free2BMe (edited April 24, 2001).]

Jan,<P>When you really accept that the purpose of Plan A is to improve you...<BR>...<B>regardless of outcome</B>!<BR>...you've made it!<P>This was the key for me...<BR>Plan A... will not guarantee a recovery of your marriage.<BR>Get that out of your mind!<P>My expectations... when set at the proper level...<BR>...as low as possible<BR>...because people will fail you (only God will not fail you)!<BR>...helped me refocus on the intent of Plan A!<P>Plan A... is to make you a <B>good neighbor</B>...<BR>...and we are called to love our neighbor...<BR>...and sometimes... the only way is through prayer.<P>About meeting ENs...<BR>...Steve told me... when all you can do... is guess what your spouse's needs are... <B>guess</B>!<BR>...it doesn't matter if you actually succeed in meeting those needs!<BR>...what matters is that the focus is on your healing...your relationship with God... through your Plan A-ing... it extends beyond your spouse... in Plan A-ing with everyone else you meet.<P>Don't worry about Plan A "working"...<BR>...:"working" (in the sense that your spouse comes back)... is not the driving force of Plan A.<P>Being depressed... can be overcome... when you focus on your relationship with God... by doing His will... <B>in helping others</B>! Being with others... also reduces that loneliness.<P>Do take this from a success story of Plan A and Plan B...<BR>...who is now divorced... and happy with self... because I'm happier with my relationship with God.<P>You have my prayers...<P> <P>Jim

Jim,<P>You have such a way with words! That is exactly what I was trying to get across, but with so many more words.<P>You are an inspriation to all!<P>Lonelyheart, you are the only one who can make you happy. Enjoy your life and your kids - with or without your H. Like Jim, I feel good about myself and about my love of the Lord. I will be okay and so will you!<P>Sending you a cyber hug!<P>

Big Hope, Free2BMe, Jim:<P>All I can say is that you ALL are AWESOME!! You've helped so much and clarified so much and you say it so well......thank you!! The mule story is great......I printed it to keep close by and share with others. My H and I are at least communicating in a civil manner now and have had several conversations without hitting the touchy subjects and getting into a re-hashing of old events. This is nice and has improved the atmosphere a great deal at our house. I am trying to find something to do for myself when he is on the computer with OW......mostly go out by the pool and drink coffee or tea and enjoy the beauty and peace of God's world....except when the jets come in for a landing!!!hahaha I've been praying about some issues between H and I (well, all of them actually ), and I need your wisdom and help with this one. I can't really afford Dr. Harley or the lawyer he advised me to see just to get info on separation, etc. in our state, but hope you can guide me with this. I have some e-mails between H and OW that would prove in court, if necessary, their EA. I have been advised by Dr. Harley and another counselor to keep these to protect the interests of my children. This has hurt and angered my H who denies that he would ever try to take the children from me or not take care of them should we not manage to put our marriage back together. In the real world, we all know that good intentions don't always stay intact in the heat of battle. This is a big issue with us and has caused numerous arguments. I truly don't believe that he would neglect to take care of our children or try to take them from me, so should I give them back or keep them? They are in another state in a safety deposit box where no one can get them easily. My H and OW are afraid I will get mad and send them to her husband and that he will take their child and leave so OW would never see child again. I have been in much prayer over this and have come close several times to giving them up......hopefull so we could destroy them and get them gone forever.....however, that doesn't solve the problem of their relationship. You all are always so helpful. Thanks again and sorry for the lenght. Hugs to all.....jan

lonelyheart,<P>I must have over a hundred pages of emails from Ow to my H. The only hard part is not to reread them. Keep them until you are comfortable with the situation. No need to destroy them until all things have been settled.<P>NSR, was right on with the plan A thing... Tough to do, but it must be done for yourself without regard to how it will effect you M. HOPE & PRAY that I can convince myself that it is for ME. Guess that is what makes it so difficult, I keep looking for changes in my WH that tell me it is working. Instead I should be looking at me.<P>Everything God does is love, even when we don't understand Him.<p>[This message has been edited by whatami (edited April 25, 2001).]

Jan,<P>I read your reply...<P>Do keep these papers...<BR>...they are a natural 'consequence' of actions that have not resolved themselves.<P>I don't believe they will carry as much weight in court as you might suspect...<BR>...but even the slightest bit of information to protect yourself is vital...<P>Be like the five wise virgins (who took extra oil for the lamps)... (see <A HREF="http://bible.gospelcom.net/cgi-bin/bible?passage=MATT+25:1-13&language=english&version=NIV&showfn=off" TARGET=_blank>Matthew 5:1-13</A>) <BR>...you know not the hour!<P>You have my prayers.<P> <P>Jim