It has now been 8 days since d-day. My H has been in a fairly good mood considering the circumstances. He has not been verbally mean to me at all, in fact he doesn't appear to want to discuss the A anymore. This is troublesome to me, because there are some aspects about it that I would like to talk about. It seems that once he asked the most painful questions..."What was the sex like?...Do you love him?" ..."Where did you go for dinner with him?" He has now closed the door on the subject. I fear bringing it up, but unlike him, I can't just say, "Okay, it's over, let's get on with it." Because it's far from over, for either of us.<P>My H has completely moved into our spare bedroom. I can say that I understand this, and even expected it. But of course, it still hurts. I know, though, that he has a need to distance himself from me now. If I try to touch him in ANY way, even to touch his hair or brush some crumbs from his shirt, he flinches and says sharply, "Don't do that." Ouch.<P>This makes me feel so hopeless. The very lack of affection and physical intimacy that caused me to make my horrible choice to go to another man is just going to continue and be even worse than before. How long can I stand this? I feel so apathetic about my marriage today. I'm wondering...how much more of my life must I live with no love in it? How many more days must I go without a real kiss, a warm hug or someone to hold my hand? Life is so short anyway...is this worth the wait? <P>I know he's punishing me. I suppose I deserve it. But for some reason, today I don't know if I can go through this. Today I'm wondering if the alternative isn't the better thing. And by the alternative, I don't mean the OM...I mean getting out and eventually finding SOMEONE else who will REALLY love me.<P>I realize this post will probably be a real shocker to all of you who have been following my earnestness to save my marriage. Maybe today is just a bad day. Maybe I shouldn't dwell on how I feel today. I'm so confused. I just want to be happy again, and it seems so impossible.<P>Sorry for all this depressive talk, but I can't say any of this to H at this point, so you guys get all of it. Thanks for listening.

Hi calla,<P>I understand, but...<P>What your H is doing is protecting himself while he sorts through his feelings...<P>My ex punished me for a whole year, which included having his own affairs... as well disappearing in the middle of the night, calling me a whore at the top of his lungs, scaring me into the fetal position on the floor, and assorted other goodies.<P>I'm not trying to say a "My situation was worse than yours" I'm only trying to show you a difference. <P>Your H is normal, and he's reacting in the way that protects his love for you right now. He's hurting.<P>Give him some time...<P>... and you WILL make it today... you love your H... and that counts for something VERY GOOD!!!<P>

calla30 - how I wish my wife would do what you've already done - come clean. As NB suggests, he may still be in a state of shock.<P>I haven't been where he is, but I urge you to do the right thing and be there for him when he is ready. Don't run from it - you never will heal.<P>WAT

I did want to add... <P>...what my ex-H did was from his pain, and he did apologize for his actions... <P>People deal with pain in the only way they know... and sometimes it isn't the *best* way, or the most *healthy*...<P>Calla, truly I believe that your H is PROTECTING himself. It hasn't been very long since discovery, and it's the worst discovery to make in a marriage... I know, having been on the other side of it... there is no pain, NONE, that compares with how it feels to have your spouse cheat on you...<P>You have been doing the right things, Calla, YOU HAVE. Continue sweetie, even when you think you can't do it...<P>YOU WILL BE REWARDED... I'm sure of it!

calla30-<P>I just had to jump in here before I get going with my day.<P>I wish I knew how to do the quote thing but I never have had time to stop what I am doing and look it up.<P>You said "I'm wondering...how much more of my life must I live with no love in it? How many more days must I go without a real kiss, a warm hug or someone to hold my hand? Life is so short anyway...is this worth the wait?"<P>Sadly...........however long it takes is how much longer you will have to wait. I like to pride myself on being a very fair person but when my H told me of his affair I told him he could damn well expect two years of hell from me. I figured I deserved as much time to get over it as he was in it.<P>Lucky for him it didn't last that long. It will be 2 years since D Day June 1 and I have been doing eally well since about last October. I still have my moments but not nearly the ones I was having.<P>As NB said-"What your H is doing is protecting himself while he sorts through his feelings".<P>I can't begin to explain the "sorting out" process of what an A does to a persons entire self worth.<P>If it is worth the wait to you then you will take your punishment.<P>I am NOT trying to be callous here-truly I am not. But lay it all out in black and white I will!<P>The fact that your H is still in the same house means a lot if you ask me.<P>I would suggest you do your best to not push the issue too fast for your H to get through his feelings.<P>And maybe you can start by loving yourself-then you will truly not feel such a "need" for the love of others.<P>I wish you the very best-and it will come-I promise <P>hang in there-----<P><BR>[This message has been edited by heartache (edited April 24, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by heartache (edited April 24, 2001).]

calla,<P>I know people are probably gonna flame me, but when I read your post, I was a little put off. You said:<P>"The very lack of affection and physical intimacy that caused me to make my horrible choice to go to another man is just going to continue and be even worse than before. "<P>How did you expect your H to respond to your A? With open arms? I can hear in your post that you kinda feel sorry for yourself, but you know what? Everything that your are dealing with in the aftermath of the A is because of choices that YOU made. You could have chosen to tell your H that you were feeling neglected; instead you chose to have an A, or at least find yourself in the position of having an A. I think at this point, you should be more focussed on what your H is going through, since he did not choose this to happen to him. Whatever pain you are going through- and I know you are- is no where near what your H is feeling.

Calla, your H's reaction is perfectly normal. My H didn't want to be in the same room with me after he discovered the A. In fact, he left me and spent the entire Christmas and New Year's holidays with family in another state. Although I was devastated, I couldn't blame him. He needed time to think and decide what to do. Read my posts if you get a chance.<P>I know it's hard on you, but you have to understand his position. Your H is deeply hurt and is dealing with his pain the only way he knows how. He's not ready to talk yet, at least not about your marriage. Give him some breathing room but let him know you're there for him and that you love him.

calla - I have to admit that when I first read your post, I had the same reaction as hurts2much, but I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt in your current state of mind. You must put aside all your selfishness. I'm sorry to have to be so blunt. I still admire you for coming clean and wanting to work things out, but now, you are no longer in control - your H is. Put him first until you can walk side by side. I really hope you succeed.<P>WAT

Hi Calla30,<P>I really think you should think about your husbands feelings for awhile and not how miserable you feel. When a wife has an affair it is absolutely the worst experience any man can go through. Your husband probably does not enjoy how he is reacting to this. I do not enjoy constantly obsessing about what my mind is doing to me. But it is very hard to control our minds. It takes time. Our minds will flip flop from very angry to complete forgiveness. Over time the forgiveness takes over and the anger is less and less. This is me speaking after just two months of this. Some days I am almost completely over this and then a day comes up where it almost seems like square one. You are maybe not the main problem now but maybe it is only your husband fighting his own mind. If he is not being abusive then give him time. I lose all urge for initimacy as well when thoughts of another guy having sex with my wife come up. It is natural. I hope this feeling goes away real soon. Don't be selfish and think about finding another man because your husband gives you no affection. I don't feel this is right. Just take your punishment for now. Eventually your husband will come to grips with this thing. Write him a long letter each day. I wish my wife would do this. Maybe he throws 100 letters in the garbage before reading them but maybe he will read just one. Don't blame him for his feelings. His heart is shattered. A shattered heart takes time to repair. Hiow mind has a lot to do. Yes you feel very bad. You feel 100% bad but he feels 500% bad. Maybe try to have more patience. So give it time, time, time. The American saying we were all brought up with is "If at first you don't succeed then try , try again." Keep trying. Never give up. Keep trying to work on the marriage. Don't cop out and look for some other man. When you have really given it 100% and it still doesn't work, well then it wasn;t meant to be. But maybe it's too early to decide that now?? Just my opinion which may be totally wrong?

HI Calla,<BR> <BR> It's been only *8 days* since Dday? What you are seeing as "punishment" is your H's terrible terrible "hurt".....at 8days after Dday the betrayed is practically insane. <P>It might help to read "After the Affair" by Janis Springer, she describes the feelings accurately on both sides ......LU

Calla, he is not punishing you, he is HURTING big time. Try to walk in his shoes. Focus on what you can do to make him hurt less and feel better. This will help you immeasurably too.<P>If he bounced up as Mr. Happy Husband, that would mean he didn't really care about you. I'd be much more upset if he didn't hurt.<P>He is probably needing you to be especially kind and nurturing and is too proud or doesn't know how to ask for it. If that's what you want FROM him, give it TO him.<P>After discovery of my h's affair I wanted him to pursue me and to constantly show affection to me, but I probably acted exactly the opposite because I was hurt, proud, and angry. Whatever it is, it isn't punishment.<P>The affair was yours, take responsibility for the natural consequences. Read posts by SKM. She is a WS who has great understanding and insight.

A Long Reply to All:<P>I must admit, I am a little upset about a couple of your responses. Please, hurts2much and WAT, if you don't know my WHOLE story, please read my previous posts, but especially two things that will give you key parts of my story in a nutshell:<P>My April 22 post, "His Affair," and<BR>My April 22 reply to Octavia99's topic, "BS's: Ever Feel Like You're the One on Trial?"<P>hurts2much, you said, "You could have chosen to tell your H you were feeling neglected..." Well, I DID. Over and over. Over the course of about a year. I cannot overemphasize one thing: I KNOW THAT WHAT I DID WAS WRONG. I'm not trying to say it wasn't, or make excuses for my choice. I tried for quite awhile to get his attention before the A began. He kept shrugging it off. Why? BECAUSE HE NEVER THOUGHT I'D HAVE AN AFFAIR. He thought he was safe, even if he chose to ignore my requests for more time, affection and attention, because I just wouldn't "do a thing like that". And I've pretty much concluded that that's why he's still here in this house with me: he knows he pushed me away.<P>I've had a few revelations about my H's emotional needs since d-day, and I hope to get time to post a topic on that later this eve. But quite frankly, I'm sick of everyone saying how the BS feels so much more pain than the WS. On what scale do we weigh sorrow and regret? And where can I get one? Unless you've walked a mile in my shoes, it's not a fair judgement. I know I've hurt my husband deeply. Do you think I feel great about that??? About hurting him, hurting myself, and even hurting the OM? I never took my marriage vows lightly, and certainly never intended to break them. <P>The thing is, I remember several other vows included in there, besides the fidelity one of "Keep thee only unto each other." In fact, I still have a copy of my marriage service, which I just looked at. We promised each other several things, including "to love and to cherish, till death do us part." My H hasn't loved and cherished me in quite awhile, at least not in any visible or tangible way. (Even HE admits it) But that sin just doesn't rank up there with an affair, according to what everyone says, because an affair involves everyone's favorite sin, SEX. It's perfectly okay to ignore your spouse and withdraw your love...THAT's not so bad. <P>Look, I'm sorry. I can tell (as I'm sure you all can, too) that I'm pretty angry right now. This has not been a good day for me. And for those of you (NB, heartache, susie, rodger, etc.) who gently reminded my that my H is still trying to absorb what happened, you're right. I have had a much longer time to get a grip on the situation, and want to jump right in to trying to make things better. He's not ready for that. Maybe I'm not really ready, either. I am not being as patient or understanding as I need to be.<P>Sorry again for for my defensiveness...*sigh* boy, is this hard... <P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by calla30:<BR> I am not being as patient or understanding as I need to be.<BR>Sorry again for for my defensiveness...*sigh* boy, is this hard... <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I can understand exactly where you are. I can empathize with your husband too. I have tried to reply to you two times today at work, to know avail!<P>I can remember the first eight days. I shudder to even think about that. My husband was like a zombie. I was in denial. I was just doing all I could for damage control. There was no control. Everything that I thought I controlled was waaaay out of control. I was always told that I was not a patient person. I'm the type that wants what I want when I want it. Yesterday is to late for me. Anyway, I was always told to be patient. Pray for patience. However, I refused to pray for that. I had heard that if you pray for that, God will put everything possible in your path to bring you to acceptance of patience. Well, I avoided that one, but God being so much wiser than me, knew that I needed to have some anyway. Hence my lessons I am now learning.<P>Right from the beginning, I knew that this was what was supposed to happen. I never got mad at God for allowing this to happen to me. I look at it like God saved me. He has shown me a better way. I may not like what I am faced with on a daily basis, but, I have to put my faith in Him, and he won't let me down.<P>I look back over the past seven months, and I truly believe that all that transpired was what was supposed to happen. I sure wish that I could change a few things, but, I can't. I need to accept what I cannot change, and have the courage to change the things that I can. <P>Calla, yes this is the hardest thing, but like they say, nothing good comes easy. I look at it like that. I always took the easy way out, and look where it got me! Now, I have to do some work, and I believe I will be rewarded, you will too! Just focus on yourself, and your husband. Don't worry about your needs right now, worry about his. Believe me, it will all fall into place. <P>Take Care<BR>PJ <BR>

Amen, Calla, it is hard for both betrayed and betrayer. I have been on both sides, most recently the betrayer. <P>I don't think it is fair for one to be punished. I have not followed your story, but I think you are doing the right thing, by trying to restore your marriage and posting here. Turning to someone else will not solve anything. Have you considered counseling with Steve or Jennifer Harley via the phone? I am sure this would help you and your husband greatly.<P>Please let us know how you are doing....

As being on the other side same as your H. I would suggest that you open the conversation as often as possible to get all the questions and feelings he wants out. Do not get mad and just continually tell him how sorry you are and that you want to make it up to him and do that. Tell him you want to be the great wife he wants you to be and mean it. Tell him that you want to move on to better things with him. Don't give him anything to mis-trust you about and go out of your way to build trust back. This is what I want most in my WH now, we are 2 months into Plan B, he won't admit what he did was wrong, won't break off OW and still blames me for everything. So learn from his mistakes! Hope this helps you!!! SEF