For all those who follow my story, my H told me that my B-day week has past, so he is going to move out on Tues.. Just as I predicted. After a long talk( mostly from me), last night he said he will held it off for a little longer. He said that he understand that he is doing something very risky by choosing the OW and giving up the marriage. But he just can not see it the other way now and he will think about what I said.<BR>So, look back what I have been doing(plan-A) is working a little bit. A month ago, all he want is a D and today he only mention moving out in order to get more chance to "explore" with the OW. And right now I am looking at another chance since he is willing to stay for a little longer.<BR>I really need your output about what to do next.<BR>The reason he plan to move out is because he said by staying with me, I physically make him have no time to see the OW(although they work together) and he like to spend more time with her. I agree with him that he can see her after work once or twice a week as long as he is not stay over at her place. Am I right or am I wrong? Should I just let him do what ever he feels and stop give him conditions(a LB?)? At this point, I feel that the more I try to tie him around my waist the more he want to be with the OW. Should I just let him go to her whenever he wants and say nothing? As we all know that knowing your WS is out there with some body else is so hard. But, is it a necessary step in Plan-A? I think I can do it if it is necessary. Is it going to help letting him to date the OW when I am in Plan-A?<BR>Another problem is that I can not stop asking questions. Who you have lunch with today? Is she going with you guys tonight? What are you going to tell her if she ask why you are not moving out yet? Did you kiss her today? Did you said you love her? Should I stop all those question at once? I am afraid that all those question is going to drive him away. In plan-A, should I ever ask those questions? should I just never mention the A when he comes home?<BR>I need you advices, I think the thing is getting trickier. Every step I take could drive him out or make him a little closer to home. Thank you all for listening.

I don't think Harley suggests letting BS see OP while you are in a PLAN A. I think Plan A is to show that BS what a great person and great life they have with spouse. Maybe I am overstepping my opinion here, but to let BS spend a few evenings with OP is not a good idea at all. In this situation I think the the TOUGH LOVE approach by Dr. Dobson sounds like it would fit your situation. You said that each time you try to tie him around your waist the more he wants to be with OW. Well in the TOUCH LOVE approach you let them go completely, give them there freedom, no begging, crying, games, or tricks to try to make them stay with you. At first the BS may think it is a bluff and think u will call begging in a week or so, and then the BS will try testing you by throwing the OP in your face to try get a negative reaction out of you, but if none is given and you are showing them that you have let them go then it usually pulls them back in. I wish i knew the site that discusses it in depth, but from what it sounds like, I think the TOUGH LOVE (form of PLAN B) may be in order. <p>[This message has been edited by trying2_4give (edited April 24, 2001).]

Only you know how much you can take... <P>...but a true Plan A'er will work on her/himself, make the marriage a safe place by eliminating lovebusters and meeting emotional needs of the WS...<P>It's SO HARD, I know... <P>I wish someone with more experience would drop by... I was woefully weak at Plan A with my ex (esp. while he was actively cheating)...<P>So, I'm bringing this up to the top for you...<P>Hang tight!!!! ...and VERY GOOD TO SEE YOU!!!

Hi ,I am ususally on the PRAEGNACY fORUM.but I would like to respond. I think by allowing your H too much leeway , he is going to lose respect for you. THink about it, you are presenting yourself ,face down for him to wipe his feet on you. To realyy want someone, there needs to be respect present.Believe my ,I know. mY H lived with the ow for 8 months, going back and forth between us. We have been back together now for 2 years, but I think if I would have been less tolerant, things would have happened quicker for us. My h did meet ow a year after we separated, so ,it wasn't a secrect affair.He never left me for her, but while it is going on the behaviors are the same. I don't recommend being nasty or mean, just firm a respectful to yourself. Lay some boundaries, lovingly. Soon enough that fantasy ,will become reality and the ow won't look so flawless.

Well, I'm no expert on the plans either, but I don't believe Plan A suggests that the wounded spouse give the unfaithful spouse room to be with the op. As others have said, plan A is just recognizing changes that need to be made and working to better yourself and express love and commitment to your spouse.<P>But the bottom line is that you have to live with whatever choices and decisions you make. You must examine what you are doing and why you are doing it. You must make the choices that seem best in your own situation. Examine them carefully and don't become a doormat to an unfeeling and unfaithful man, however.<P>Somebody needs to get K over here to respond to this one. He is the King of the Plans and should have something of value to offer.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

<BR>I'm no expert on the plans either, but I can tell you what Jennifer Harley told me. She's an expert. <P>When I was in Plan A, I whined a lot to Jennifer about my W's actions, wondering if she was still having contact with an OM. Jennifer's standard reply was "It doesn't matter if she is or if she isn't, it's not going to change what I'm going to tell you to do." Plan A is about you, it isn't about what the WS is doing. It's completely avoiding LB's and meeting EN's if you can. If the WS is still having contact, you still avoid LB's and meet EN's. Same thing, either way. You do your best and if it doesn't work, you move to Plan B at some point.<P>I have to take exception to the doormat characterization. I took a lot of crap, but I did it because I had faith in the MB philosophy. I still do, even though my marriage failed. <B>I</B> didn't fail. I don't think I was a doormat to learn self-control. I don't believe I was a doormat when I chose to respond with love and kindness to my W's anger and hatred and bitterness. I'm not a saint, but I'm much stronger and much better now than I've ever been in my life. My kids know which of their parents fought to keep the marriage together and which one actively tried to destroy it.<P><BR>--<BR>o2bsane@hotmail.com<BR>

Heck, c2bsane did such a nice job, I hardly have anything to add.<P>trying to live2:<P>You're doing pretty well in Plan A. You want to try to negotiate your husband out of the affair, but you can't give demands. So yes---Plan A is a plan that deals with affairs that haven't ended, even when the wayward spouse visits the OP.<P>Keeping him busy is great. You can also let him know that when he sees her, it's hurting your love for him. Don't do that every 5 minutes, and don't use lovebusters---but it's OK to be honest. You can even try to negotiate (POJA) his hurtful affair behaviors to a minimum. For example, instead of him visiting the OW, you could take him to Hawaii (that's extreme, but you get the point). <P>I would stop the questions. They don't help, and the answers are irrelvant. He's having an affair. As c2bsane says, you do this to make YOURSELF a better person, and the marriage a safe place for the wayward spouse to return to. When you're just short of not having any love left for him, you need to separate completely (Plan B). If he's going to leave you, I'd tell you to stick to Plan A. Even after he leaves---give him at least another month (if you can handle it) with Plan A (so he doesn't see Plan B as retribution for moving out).

all your inputs are so helpful and thank you.<BR>trying2_4give, blue00: <BR>I understand your point of view. At the other hand, my H is so deeply in fog now, I was afraid that if I let him go, he might never find his way out. Tough love need a strong person to do it. I will take your advice to my heart and think about it. Some time I feel the same way as you did. I wonder what will happen if I am less tolerant. But at this point I will take the less risky approch.<BR>HGBrawner, 02bsane, K:<BR>I will try to do the best Plan-A I could. I think that is a good idea to let him know I am hurting when he does go out to see the OW (not counting that they have lunch together almost daily). I think there is a very thin line about being a door mate or not. It sounds so "door mate" allow him to see the OW. I think I will just allow it happen for couple weeks, because at this point I have no other choice. Either give him so room to see her, or he is going to move out in order to make time himself. So sad!<BR>new_beginning:<BR>So good to see you also. I never know that I have so much paitence till my H have a A( he just can not believe that neither). The good thing is that I do not have to work, that way I have all the time I want to think and plan. He is going out with her tomorrow night, that is going to be a real task for me. I can do it, if that is going to help our situation. But I just can not know. The advice I get here are mixed. I will keep posting and keep in touch.<BR>