Hey MBers, <P>It's been a long time since I posted. I wrote a long sad sack story of how things are going in my life and before I posted it I decided to erase it. What purpose would that serve? I don't want sympathy. I certainly don't want to depress anyone about the details in my life. <P>I will say that my wife and I are still together. We are friends. I no longer believe we will have the type of marriage that I desire. It has been 2 years and 8 months. I'm not giving up. I'm simply at peace in knowing that life isn't fair. And that not everyone gets a second chance. I have never wavered from my Plan A. I believe I am now the husband I should have always been. <P>I love my wife as much as ever. If the Lord decides to soften my wife's heart towards me, then maybe our marriage will take a new direction. I'm not waiting for that to happen. I have found that by doing that, I am left with bitter disappointment. I continue to work at being content with what the Lord has given me. <P>Best wishes to you good people. Never tire from doing what you KNOW is right. <P>SHA<P>------------------<BR>There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.

SHA---you are a pillar of strength, that is so evident. You will be rewarded for doing what you know is right. It may not be in your marriage, but nevertheless, you will receive it someday.<P>You are always in my prayers, and I will continue to pray that your wife does realize the husband that you are now, and will turn towards you with open arms.<P>

VERY nice to read ya, <B>SHA</B>...<P>Yes, you will be blessed...

SirHA, it has been a long time!<BR>I often wonder how things are going at your end, and now I just came in and saw your name.<BR>Glad to hear from you .<BR>Hugs and have a wonderful day<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>"Each and everyone of us is deserving of a gentle thougth, a kind word and the gift of understanding"

SHA,<P>It is good to hear from you again. I am sorry to hear that your W has not seen the light yet. I trust OM is still in her mind if not her presence. Someday, my man, someday. I just wish one thing. That she has time in her life to realize how much she wasted, before it is over.<P>Keep us posted, and <P>God Bless You,<P>JL

It's good to see you around here, SHA. God bless you for doing the right thing---it's always rewarded in the end.<P>

SHA<BR>Doing the right thing doesn't always feel right at the time, but it always brings rewards in the long run. You won't regret standing firm for your marriage and recognizing and becoming the husband God wants you to be. I congratulate you for your determination and faith. And don't give up completely....our God is a God of miracles and He won't ever give up on you or your wife.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

SHA - I've been hoping to hear from you....you taught me Plan A.<P>and you're right.<P>I just know you will be blessed.<P>Lori

Hi SHA,<P>Unfortunately, the road is longer for some than it is for others. I'm sorry you are facing a longer journey.<P>Fortunately FOR MANY OF US, you were here to help us find the right direction and smooth our way in our own travels. <P>I truly believe that there are stars in heaven for you. There are certainly many Marriage Builders who think you are a star in your own right and in our lives.<P>Thank you,<P>Peppermint

My husband and I have been back together for about 2 months. So far, my life is identical to the one that you describe living--maybe worse, because we argue--we are not at the truce/coldwar stage. Or the "friends" stage. I was kind of hoping that upon reunification that he would a) discontinue the types of behaviors that lead to his affair b) have some esteem for me, try to enjoy being with me, recognize that I do love him (but would like to have that reciprocated, if it's not too much trouble.)<P>It may be far too soon to tell what's going on.<P>Life is a guessing game--unsure--puzzling--sometimes wearisome. At times, bitterly disappointing. I, too, have to accept that life isn't always what you make it. Sometimes, it's how you deal with it.<P>The dreams of holding hands in public, sharing a project together, having a conversation that is not full of triggers that bring on painful memories, even having more children someday. . .well, I guess that's all a dream for right now. It may or may not ever happen, any of these.<P>But--I guess we are still together, and most importantly, our little kid has both his parents living under the same roof. This is more than worth it, believe me. A lot of people would think that I am crazy for "staying together for the kid," but to see my son happy is what makes me happy.<P>In short. . .I know what you are talking about, brother. I know exactly

SHA,<BR>It's been just over 3 years since my H's PA began, like your wife, he had a difficult time with no contact. They still sometimes see each other at work, she emailed him 2 weeks ago--but he told me. We've been back in the same household almost a year, and I can say our relationship is getting better. I'm a better, or at least, a more alert wife. I know what his EN are and though they somewhat conflict with mine, we seem to be at cross-purposes at moments, we're working it out. <P>He's recognized I am not his problem...sometimes I'm a part of it...the wife, the kids, the house, the responsibilities...things I can't do much about.<P>He had to hit bottom and lose me before he got to where he is. I pretty much hit bottom as well, though in a different way.<P>It's pretty amazing to me how easy our relationship has become in the last couple months. He knows he is in the right place for him, I want him here, and want our marriage and family. We're high priority with each other. A year ago I would not have thought this was possible.<P>There's no clearer path through this than doing what you believe is right...not the easy or quick way. Even the miracles can take some time. You've made a wise choice in realizing you can't control, or maybe even influence your wife's love, all you can be is the best husband, the best SHA, you can be.<P>I wish you the best.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things." Phil 4:8

SHA,<P>What a lovely post. Thank you for taking the time to write out your thoughts. I'm sure your words will encourage many and help to keep us on the right path. There are so many "voices" out there and few which speak what you do. I am always reminded to keep persevering when I read a post like yours.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I no longer believe we will have the type of marriage that I desire.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Do you believe you will have the type of marriage God plans for you? This is what I am thinking in my own situation. I must open my hand and let go of the picture I've been holding and even my desires for a certain type of marriage. It may even be that the type of marriage you (and I) desire is good, but God has a different plan, for our best. I was thinking of Elisabeth Elliot who lost her husband after 27 months of marriage (she became a widow). From all I've read, her relationship to her husband was a beautiful one. Yet, GOD only allowed it for 27 months. This makes me think that what I think I "deserve" or should get, may not at all be what God intends for me.<P>I am also trying to learn acceptance. Keeping my hand open, letting go and seeing what God will give. "He doth satisfy the desire of every living thing". And He satisfies us in our barrenness. Posts like yours, SHA, keep reminding me of these truths. Thank you. The way is narrow and hard, it is good to have encouragement from others.

SHA,<BR>I'm with you on the long sad story. Yet, God is still in charge. I pray daily for my W to become a Proverbs 31 woman. However, I don't think that will ever happen given my understanding of the message He is giving me.<P>Hang in there! Remember <B>all things work toward good for those who love the Lord and are called according to His purposes</B>.<P>------------------<BR><B><I>God Bless,<BR>Rob</I></B><BR> regilmor@swbell.net <p>[This message has been edited by professorg (edited April 24, 2001).]

Hey SHA,<P>You have truly been a pillar of strength as many have told you and I take my hat off to you. <P>I wish you nothing but the best.<P>Zippy

Hello sha,<BR>So very nice to see your name on here! <BR>It is a tough long road, we all attest to that.<BR>Hang in there. I missed you, cl

To all,<BR>I'm new to this forum, so I don't know SHA, but I wanted you to know that this topic has touched my heart. <BR>I'm 9 months post dday and am struggling too with spouse who isn't always sure he wants the marriage. It has been extremely difficult and it is encouraging to hear how you all are dealing with the same thing. It has helped me resolve to stick it out (I was ready to throw in the towel) and recommit myself to being the best wife I can be, and to stop my clinging, needy behavior. <P>Lor,<BR>There was a paragraph in your post that I printed out and I am going to keep it as an inspiration when the going gets tough. I have tears streaming down my face as I am writing this. Thank you so much. Here it is...<BR>"There's no clearer path through this than doing what you believe is right...not the easy or quick way. Even the miracles can take some time. You've made a wise choice in realizing you can't control, or maybe even influence your wife's love, all you can be is the best husband, the best SHA, you can be."<P>Wise, wise words. That in a nutshell was what I was doing - trying to control what my husband did and how he felt because I wanted our marriage to work so badly. He's told me again and again that he needs to decide things for himself and that's the only way he can be the husband I want. I should have listened to him. I will now.<BR>Thanks again to all for being there,<BR>gen<P>

SirHA<BR>Thank you for writing this. I wish with all my heart that you could have the marriage you desire and deserve.<BR>Your patience always amazes me. I'm sure that I've said that before. <P>When I read one of your updates I feel less alone. I search for the peace I know that you have found. Peace is a realistic goal isn't it? It is something we can achive ourselves and it comes from doing what you know is right. <BR>Thank you again for reminding me. <BR>I think of you and your wife often...you are in my prayers.<P>------------------<BR>wassi

Genevieve--<BR>I'm glad to have been of some inspiration.<BR>Lor

I want to thank each of you that responded for your inspiration, encouragement, blessings, prayers and thoughts. My cup truly runneth over. <P>I wanted to respond to the question Siftedlikewheat asked: "Do you believe you will have the type of marriage God plans for you?" - excellent question. <P>My wife and I entered into our marriage equally yoked. She had just become a Christian prior to our marriage. As with most people, neither of us were skilled in how to make a marriage last. <P>Reflecting on events that lead to our problem, one key change in our relationship occurred when our first child was born. We now have four. I believe emotional and physical intimacy between us started to suffer - unknowingly. A child consumes a lot of your time and emotions. Keeping your mate at the top of any priority list is doable, but most of us succumb to the events that are taking up most of our time: children, work, home, etc. <P>Being unskilled in recognizing the danger signals of a marriage in trouble, some of us find ourselves in the midst of the worst possible emotional trauma one mate can inflict on the other. Since we can't control the feelings and actions of our mate, we must focus the attention on ourselves. If change is to occur, it must start with us. The easy path is to give up on the marriage without trying. The right path, which is rarely easy, is to open ourselves up to God's wisdom and direction and be the mate He always wanted us to be. <P>Whether our spouse "sees the light" is out of our control. I know I can not make my wife love me like I want to be loved. I know I can not make my wife desire me like I want to be desired. I can not make my wife honor and respect me like I feel I should be. What I can do is be someone who can be loved, present myself in the most desirable way I can, and live with integrity that is deserving of respect. The rest is up to her. <P>So, to answer the question "Do you believe you will have the type of marriage God plans for you?", I would say yes, as long as I am being the spouse He expects of me. The hard part is in realizing that God's plan for my marriage may not be what I desire. Peace is in accepting God's plan. <P>One of the most important things God has laid on my heart is to teach my children, especially my boys, how a man should love, honor, and respect his wife on a daily basis. That is part of God's plan for my marriage. Having gone through all of this, I now feel equipped in training them how to be a good marriage partner and how to recognize those danger signals before its too late.<P>May God bless each of you, and give you the strength the follow the right path. <P>SHA<P>------------------<BR>There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.

SHA,<BR>Hang in there, take care of you.... check in with us more often....<BR>Mike