Does it ever occur that maybe we BS's don't really love our WS's and that we are just afraid to move on?<P>I'm not saying that's the case for me because I do believe I love my W and I want to work at our marriage. But it is just so darned frustrating when the WS aren't on the same page.<P>Especially when the BS feels like they haven't done anywhere near the damage the WS has done. And in my case, I am the one willing & working to move ahead. Souldn't she be, too?<P>Anyway it occurred to me that some fear might hold us back and we mistake that for love for our spouse when it is fear of moving on alone. So we wait and wait and wait...<P>Anyone else ever have the same thought or am I all wet? Maybe I'm just unusually impatient & frustrated today.

Elad,<P>I love my husband but I am not in love with him. It is like I love him and I hate him. What about the BS love bank? Yes, my h fall in love with another woman and I am tired of it. I think you can not help to feel this way. How can you fight true love and soul connection. I am sorry I am just tired. I have been thinking if I get rid of him. I will never have to think about this again. He dose nothing to make me love him again. I did everthing for him. I took care of him. All he did was critize me everyday. So, I neglected him. He told me that I did not support him emoitionally and then he told me that I did not support him at all. All I did was support him. When I needed him the most he was not there. When I had my baby, I was 29 weeks along and devolped preclampsa. He came over for a hour that day she was born. I did not see him for the rest of the week. He would not even come to pick me up. How can you get over that? That proves to me he did not care.

Elad,<BR>I feel EXACTLY the way you do. Its not the fear. Its the 13 wonderful years that we had together. Its the love that grew over that length of time.

I think I'm getting to where you are. Currently, I am in plan b. Don't know how I'll act or feel when we have contact again - and eventually we will have to.... I WANT to get the point that I just LET HIM GO! I think in order for me to stay sane, I really have to do that.

Elad: No, you are not all wet. I have never entered any chat boards until I was betrayed ... but, to answer your question, yes, there have been so many times when my anger kept building up (instead of being calmed) and I decided to walk away. There will be times that you just have to ride the wave and go by the "natural" flow of how you are synthesizing your pain ... you'll know it when it appears. It happened to me MANY months (6?) after D-day. Just listen to the spirit. How long has it been since the infamous D-Day? May you get some peace very soon.... you will. And you are not all wet.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Elad:<BR><B>Does it ever occur that maybe we BS's don't really love our WS's and that we are just afraid to move on?<P>I'm not saying that's the case for me because I do believe I love my W and I want to work at our marriage. But it is just so darned frustrating when the WS aren't on the same page.<P>Especially when the BS feels like they haven't done anywhere near the damage the WS has done. And in my case, I am the one willing & working to move ahead. Souldn't she be, too?<P>Anyway it occurred to me that some fear might hold us back and we mistake that for love for our spouse when it is fear of moving on alone. So we wait and wait and wait...<P>Anyone else ever have the same thought or am I all wet? Maybe I'm just unusually impatient & frustrated today. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>No, I'm not afraid to move on. I might have been that way with my XGF. I am not that way with my W because God asked me to marry her which I did. I didn't understand why until after we were married because He wouldn't tell me. He is still revealing things He wants me to do for her. He wants me to show her His love. I am merely the conduit through which His love flows.<BR><P>------------------<BR><B><I>God Bless,<BR>Rob</I></B><BR> regilmor@swbell.net

Some days I feel that I do love my H. Other days I don't. Yes, we had problems before the A, I will never deny that. But I never stopped loving him, not one day, not one minute - as difficult as our marriage was. The A has pretty much killed the "innocent" love that I had for him - the kind of love that a child might have for a devoted caretaker who is 100 percent positive that her caretaker will never allow her to come to harm. What did me in were the lies and deceit and what I would term treachery - not the A itself. I could have handled that. Lies are something I am very sensitive to, because I was brought up in an honest environment, and there was a premium on being honest. My parents would have it no other way. No matter what we do, no matter how badly we err, being honest shows a kind of personal honor. Dignity. Integrity. <P>My H showed me, in great detail, the human characteristic I most loathe - dishonesty. It's like a part of him now, and I will always know that he is capable of being very, very dishonest. So that is what keeps me from falling back "in love" with him. I don't think that will ever happen. Maybe I'm wrong. I hope I am.<P>belldandy

Some days I feel that I do love my H. Other days I don't. Yes, we had problems before the A, I will never deny that. But I never stopped loving him, not one day, not one minute - as difficult as our marriage was. The A has pretty much killed the "innocent" love that I had for him - the kind of love that a child might have for a devoted caretaker who is 100 percent positive that her caretaker will never allow her to come to harm. What did me in were the lies and deceit and what I would term treachery - not the A itself. I could have handled that. Lies are something I am very sensitive to, because I was brought up in an honest environment, and there was a premium on being honest. My parents would have it no other way. No matter what we do, no matter how badly we err, being honest shows a kind of personal honor. Dignity. Integrity. <P>My H showed me, in great detail, the human characteristic I most loathe - dishonesty. It's like a part of him now, and I will always know that he is capable of being very, very dishonest. So that is what keeps me from falling back "in love" with him. I don't think that will ever happen. Maybe I'm wrong. I hope I am.<P>belldandy

This is a difficult question that I've spent many hours pondering. Love is very difficult to define under normal circumstances, never mind this kind of strain. I think it gets caught up with a number of other emotions that can mask things - anger, guilt, resentment and fear, to name a few. When our marriages are threatened like this and we're faced with confronting a new life that we didn't choose, it's not surprising that we naturally try to hang on.<P>I'll jump to the bottom line in my case, and I suspect many others (but certainly not all). We can love for a long time, but what is it that we love? I suspect that far too often what we love is the ILLUSION of what we THOUGHT our partners were, and how we felt when we were living under that illusion. But do we love the current person, the one that is an infidel? How about the unrepentent, mean infidel that blames the betrayed? How about those that refuse to pay child support or see their kids. Do we love them too?<P>I don't think so. There's a natural tendency to cling to our preconceived notions of who they are, discounting what they currently do to fit within that preconceived notion. We call it "fog", "temporary insanity", "depression", "mental illness", whatever. Sometimes it really is these things. Many times it is not. Often, we just chose spouses lacking character to begin with. It takes a very long time to accept that but once you do, there's no going back.<P>Harley supposedly has a specific test that's used to determine whether a couple are "in love". My guess is that we tend to use that term more liberally in these forums than how Harley would define it in his test. Most of us are not "in love", but we may have that caring kind of love, as we do for friends and family members, based on our history, commitment, and values.

Interesting and thoughtful responses.<P>I think in part are we do love the history of the relationship and all that has been built up. It's hard to walk away from that and, I think, it is worth working to save. <P>It's a shame that some bad judgement by one member of the relationship can do so much damage to the other for life.

I think fear of moving on is a big part of it for me. I've always loved him, yet was always angry. If I went by everything that I've read here and in other "problem marriage" books, I "should" have been the one to have had the affair. Instead, HE's the one who got the goodies on the side, along with emotional/financial support and friendship from me. But he's a serial cheater, I think. Will just do it because he can, because the opportunity is there. <P>Being here alone with three kids for the past year has showed me that I can deal with life alone. My friends keep telling me I should just give up and start dating, that I deserve better, and I feel that way most of the time too. <P>Here's my REAL reasoning, I think. I'm not comfortable having sex with men I don't know. Before marriage I dated a lot, but I can count the number of sexual partners I've had and there weren't many -- and I married late. So I think that a big part of MY holding on or trying to salvage this is the sex. I do love him, I'm not "in love" with him, but I enjoy using him for sex. Funny thing is before he came clean, he was NOT much of a lover. Kind of dull and routine and I thought he lacked sexual imagination. After dday he became a "new man", so to speak. (Is this usual? )<P>But I digress. No, I will never love him again like I did at the begining. I think I'm holding on only partly because of the kids, partly because of our history and partly because of the sex. At least that's how I feel today.