Dog gone it I'm posting again. And yesterday I promised I was going to stop.<P>I am so confused right now. I am getting all sorts of conflicting advice.<P>Do I stay out or move back?<BR>Do I confront her or do I ignore today's findings?<BR>Do I file or wait for her to file?<BR>Do I take tough love approach or not?<BR>Do I take Plan A approach?<P>I don't know what to do right now. But I want to do the best thing. I want to save my marriage.

moving back in? well check to see what your rights are, cause if it is a rental house like you said, you may not be able to move back in unless you are on the lease or own it.<P>Do I confront her or do I ignore today's findings?<P>Well you know her better than anyone, how do you think she will react? have you confronted her before? if so. she will probally react in the same way.<P>Do I file or wait for her to file?<BR>Well from what i have heard everyone on here say, and from what lots of people tell me... if you dont want a divorce...DONT FILE... AND DONT SIGN ANYTHING.<P>Do I take tough love approach or not?<BR>Back again to the thought that you know her. Do you think this will work? Have you tried to be tough alittle? if so did it get the reaction you were hoping for?<P>Do I take Plan A approach?<BR>Everything about this website, and the book "surviving an affair" says try the Plan A approach. I have been scanning all of the boards and many people seem to have good experiences doing the Plan A/B stuff. I wish i would have been strong enough to try it.<P>Good Luck and Keep your chin up...<BR>and Keep talking to people it helps.<P><P>------------------<BR>Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.

Bioman,<BR>I hear what you're saying --- Follow my heart. But my heart doesn't know this woman. The tactics that used to work aren't working anymore. That's why I need advice, but which is the right advice. I am just soooo confused

Hi S&C,<P>Here to add to your confusion. No not really. <P>Step back. Out of yourself for a moment. Breathe. <P>You need to clear your head. You are think for the both of you as you individually are and it is confusing. Thinking logically with an illogical attitude will drive you crazy.<BR>No pun intended. <P>You have asked some good questions. If you hare not ready to answer them yet, then don't. Give yourself some time to think clearly. Have you read any of the books or taken the emotional needs questionnaire? Your answers will come to you as you progress. <P>There are lots of ideas out there, but you are the only one who knows your situation. Take the good and applicalbe advice, set aside those not as valuable. <P>Please give yourself time. Your mate will also need that time to think. Your interaction will have its ups and downs. Be aware of that. Don't be depressed too much by it. We are here to let you know what may be coming up based on the cases of many of us here. Sometimes it follows a pattern and other times it does not. Regardless, you can stabilize your stand so that your spouse can see that you 'appear' to have your act together. This is important. <P>You are probably getting a headache, so I will stop for now. Don't want to flood you with too much info. When you get a chance and feel like absorbing more. Post your concerns or re-read your previous posts. There was a lot of good advice there. It does get easier to handle.<P>Take Care,<BR>L.<P><BR>

Is it harder for engineers? We tend to think in such logical terms. Everything must have an answer. But with this...<BR>There is no logic. There are no answers.<P>Are there any other engineers out there?

Do I stay out or move back?<BR>Do I confront her or do I ignore today's findings?<BR>Do I file or wait for her to file?<BR>Do I take tough love approach or not?<BR>Do I take Plan A approach?<P>You are in a state now that is like you have been overcome by a hurricane. Like others have said, take a breather. Sit back a bit and watch it unfold...I know that isn't so easy. But this will go on for a long time, most likely, and it will get easier. Mine started last June, and I went through times where it was very difficult, but it gets easier.<P>The move back issue is tough. In another post, there was talk as to whether it would help win her back or not (I think I read that). Moving back now wouldn't be for that purpose. It would be to reset the situation back to how it should be, so if she wants space, she can move out. However, in my opinion, she should be moving out without the kids. But there again, I don't know if she is a stay at home mom or does she work? I guess if she stays at home, it makes it harder to say she should leave without the kids.<P>This might conflict with others thoughts, but I might be inclined to let her know what you found, but in a calm way, and let her know that you still love her. You won't get much positive response out of that, so knowing her, you make the choice. She'll deny it anyway...most do.<P>DON'T file.<P>I'm concerned that you moving out, then you filing, makes you look like the bad guy. She should be the one to make these moves.<P>Here is some good advice. Start a journal of everything that happens. Write times down when you know she comes home, lies you know of, time spent with kids, whatever might eventually help you should it come to a custody dispute.<P>Tough love is generally not the approach you'll see on MB. It is a tough call, because it might work better on some, but not on others. I'd stick with Plan A. You definitely need to show her things she likes before doing a tough love or Plan B. She has to remember good things, not whining or begging.<P><BR>

I am trying to calm down. Couldn't sleep at all last night. I was sick to my stomach all morning. You'd think I just found out yesterday about all this and not that it has been going on for months. I guess I've just had things confirmed lately.<P>I still don't know what to do. Or what direction to go. I saw my W this morning. I was nice to her. I told her to call me if she needs ANYTHING while she's at her sisters. I gave her a b-day present, but told her not to open it until later. It was a poem that I wrote entitled - I Remember When.<P>For the next 2.5 weeks, I am watching the kids. I have a hard time not thinking about all the good times in the past when I'm with them and it makes me very sad.

Sad and Confused,<P>Have you talked to your doctor about antidepressants for a little bit, to help you through this pain and confusion? That might help you sort through all this more clearly. <P>Enjoy your children while they are with you and try to focus on being with them now, in the moment and not the past. <P>I am sorry for your pain and not being able to sleep, I hope things get better for you soon.

SAC, you said all of the things that USED to work don't work anymore. And the most famous words on this board is "CRAZY IS: Doing the same things over and over again but expecting a different result is crazy". It may be time to do something new, something that you haven't done b4.