Our 17th anniversary is coming up in mid May - always close to Mother's Day. What should I do?<P>For those who may not know my situation, my wife's affair with her best friend's H started last June, was immediately suspected and soon verified by OM's wife and myself, is very likely influenced by the loss of our youngest son 10 months earlier, and has never been admitted by my wife. She moved out in August. All the usual denials and false excuses, blah, blah, blah. She refuses to participate in counseling and has described a steadily worsening prognosis over the months: I don't know; I'm day-to-day; I suggest you get on with your life; the marriage is over; I expect to file for divorce in August, if not sooner. Currently, we only communicate regarding our remaining son and financial matters, but this is usually cordial. We spend no time together as a family. I think she is trying hard not to make me mad because she fears a custody battle.<P>I have always been the sentimental one, making a bigger deal out of our anniversary than she did. What should I do this year? The options are clear:<P>1. ignore it<BR>2. the usual - get her a card and a small gift - flowers don't work for her<BR>3. something completely different<P>I'm thinking door #3. You can guess my thoughts. #2 is out because it HAS to be different - if what you're doing doesn't work, it's crazy to keep doing it. That leaves 1 and 3. 1 is correct for Plan B, but I'm still in Plan A, so that leaves 3, unless it will be an LB. How can this be an LB? If it's unwelcome! How can I predict that? Well, before Easter, she asked <son> if I had gotten her an Easter gift - she needed to know so she could get one for me - she is soooooooo SC (Socially Correct). But, no way will she do anything for our anniversary, because "it's over." But to me, it's not over.<P>OK, that does it. I'll make her a CD of our wedding music (very touching - it used to bring tears to her eyes) and maybe a video of <son's> early years (since it'll be close to Mom's day). A bottle of her favorite wine and a card with good Plan A words. I don't think I should over-do it. Nothing social - it's clear she doesn't want to be around me.<P>Hey, thanks for all your help, I couldn't do it without you.<P>Dave (WAT)

Glad we could be of such help, Dave . Looks like you figured that one out on your own.<P>I think your ideas are great. Not too overdone, but show that you care deeply for her. And you're right---it's not over, at least I haven't heard any singing coming from out that way!!!<P>One small suggestion would be to separate Mothers Day and your anniversary by making the video of your son for Mothers Day and the other things for your anniversary--keep your anniversary about the two of you and the significance of the day. The reason I say that is because my H's birthday is always around Father's Day, and our anniversary is the day after his birthday. He has always complained that the 3 get lumped together and are not celebrated individually. My birthday is a couple weeks after Christmas, and I always felt the same way about that. Just a thought.....

Dave,<P>I think your suggestions are great. Since I'm facing a similar dilemna in June with our 25th, I hope you don't mind if I borrow a few of your ideas. Initially, I'd just like to dig a hole and crawl in it until the date is long over but I know in my heart that it may be the chance I need to somehow reach him. Good luck with your anniversary endeavors. It only takes that one time to reach them; go for the moon..you may reach the stars!!!

Not to crash your thread, Dave, but Aries, don't you dare crawl in a hole until the end of June---I need you too much (Aries and I live about 1/2 mile from each other and have been in contact quite a few times)!!!!!

Door number 3 would be my choice. Excellent ideas. Good luck.

Hey Dave - For your anniversary, how about a "Thinking of You" card, and then inscribe it with a special message. I think she will realize it's your anniversary, but it won't be too "over the top." You can inscribe it with a message, like you know things are difficult right now, but that you're thinking about her today, that kind of thing.<P>Then for Mother's Day - she is your son's mother, so maybe that's when you can get her a present or something special. You can get her something for your anniversary, but maybe just a simple thinking of you card will be received better than a compilation of wedding songs - if she's as defensive as you claim about any attempts to reconcile - so might see that as "out of bounds."<P>I think the video - subliminally dubbed with wedding songs -might be a good idea for mother's day.

WAT,<BR>Here's my best idea: do you have any photos from previous anniversaries...and if not actual anniversaries, at least from special times or places the two of you went together? And are you sentimental enough that you've saved old cards and letters from her...from when times were good?<P>Make a small photo album of 6 or 8 old photos, and include, under or beside each picture, a quote from something she wrote you. Date and label the quotes, i.e., "Valentine's Day, 1994." Show her the history. Remind her of what she's giving up. You don't have to make anything elaborate; in fact, less is more. A few well-chosen moments from your personal history can do a lot to stir heart strings.<P>I'm thinking of making a similar album for my H...thinking maybe it will help strengthen his shaky comittment to restoring our marriage...<P>Calla

Facing the same situation on May 15th. It's our 14th wedding aniversary and H is always afraid that if he does anything thoughtful it will be taken as a "reconciliation" effort. H is planning a summer near OW this year, leaving in June for a couple months. <P>Liked SKMs idea about a "Thinking of you card". Simple, yet not a reaching out type approach. Maybe flowers to go with it. Certainly is different.

Darn, you guys are good! My creative juices are really flowing right now. Need to sleep on it. The hard part is trying to determine what the limit is for her tolerance. <BR>"Safe, yet effective."<P>Forgive the sick Exlax parallel. I need to find the balance between exorcising that poop from her brain while not causing any discomfort from me.<P>SKM, you don't know how close you may have hit the mark with your video suggestion - maybe too close. For our son's memorial service - and my sanity - I compiled video clips of his life and set it to music that he liked. There wasn't a dry eye in the house. If I do something similar with our 12 yo and wedding music - Oooo - maybe too powerful. I may try it just to see how it works.<P>Thanks all, and here I thought I had it figured out.<P>Dave

This is very complicated. but here goes. send her an invitation for a picnic and promise her you'll just LISTEN to her. she needs your attention. get the favorite wine. i haven't told my H about having an affair with the neighbors H, our newest best friends since we moved in. we are no longer friends. it ended very painfully. we just moved again, as we move every two years. i lost my mom in 97, so tho i can't relate to a loss of a child, my mom was very painful to me. been married almost 18 years, this mid may, also near mothers day, i was very vulnerable in 99, after our move, and wanted more out of life and my marriage. these neighbors have an open marraige. its a long story, but bottom line is he laid down his rules, and i set aside my values and while my H was gone for 3 months, fell inlove, and then she found out, but was angry at me for betraying her, even tho she wanted me to see her H, the 3 of us had a 3some, then she & my H and i did the same thing, my H suspected something but didn't want to know, now i don't want to lose my H, and am working very hard on the marraige. i had counseling and prozac and its all helping me. theres lots more to this, but bottom line is we left, i haven't spoken to him, he threatened me to tell my H if i continued to poison his marraige. weird huh? my counselor says they do this all the time to people and once the person steps over a line, they drop you like a fly. i'm so hurt and sick that i allowed it, yet i still love him. why? becaus he paid attention to me. so, best i can say is i'll never tell my H, and i'll not let this happen again. would you prefer not knowing? i think its better. MR.harleys book his needs her needs, is great. my H doesn't ever want counseling, and i'm the more romantic one. so, i'm trying to work on this alone, sort of. i don't want to lose my life, my kids, and my highschool sweetheart, even if he isn't all things.

Dave,<P>I came and found this thread after reading your reply about wedding anniversary...<P>I want to share with you what I did with her (and I'm quoting myself here):<P><I>"My ex-H cheated five times in the marriage. I cheated one time, and it happened in year 18, right before and actually during the 19th anniversary. There are so many things that I<BR>regret now, looking back. Our 19th anniversary is one of those times.<P>He had sent me flowers, and showed up dressed to the nines at my job. I was in the thick of the fog with the OM, but hadn't slept with him yet. I could still convince myself<BR>that the marriage was on the rocks because of lots of other things. So, the OM and I walk out from work, see my then-H waiting for me, and the OM actually <sick to my stomach writing this> waves to my H. He waves back. <P>Now, we had agreed on no presents due to finanacial reasons and emotional reasons. The marriage was clearly a mess, before my affair, but I couldn't even begin to work on it<BR>until the OM was out of the picture. I agreed to the no presents... but my ex changed his mind at the last minute and not only sent me flowers, but bought me the most beautiful necklace... we went out, and I bought him something, but it just wasn't the same as what he presented to me. <P>I still, to this day (and we are divorced) regret THAT DAY more than any other (aside from the affair itself)...<P>I will tell you that I did end it with OM and we did work on the marriage... my story is long and I won't bore you with it... but he found another OW in his pain and anger.<P>But still, I regret that day SO MUCH. <P>Go buy your H a present and a beautiful card... he may not appreciate it now, but he will look back and remember..."</I><P>So Dave, I will say to you what i said to her:<P>Go buy your wife that present and beautiful card... she may not appreciate it now, but she will look back and remember...<BR>

Thanks, NB. I will.<P>Dave