Here is what I have so far in the letter to my friend who is currently having an affair. Names have been changed for their protection.<P>Friend,<P>Just thought I had to do something to find out what was going on. Six shooter has come over several times in the last week or so and posted on Marriage Builders. I haven’t seen or heard from you since I saw you at church on Thursday night when you thought you were Satan himself. I wasn’t sure if you even wanted to speak to me.<P>I’m beginning to wonder if our friendship is going to make it through this. It doesn’t seem like our friendship means much. I know that I haven’t done much to try to talk or see you. And for that, I am very guilty of. I am currently trying to fix that by writing this letter. I know that this isn’t the best way to do it but for me it’s the best way to start.<P>As you may know, I am a conflict avoider big time. I couldn’t tell ES about my affair. I couldn’t tell him about my physical affair or my internet affairs. I didn’t want him to think less of me. I didn’t want to hurt him. I thought that if I told him about my affairs, he would leave me and take our daughter with him. I thought that I would never see D ever again if ES knew about my affairs. But once he found out about my affairs, he didn’t leave me. He didn’t take D with him. There was a lot of tears and pain but we are currently working on our marriage.<P>I know about what you are going through to an extent. I know that my physical affair didn’t last as long as your affair is right now. Mine was a one night stand. But I thought that if this man didn’t blow me off like he did, we would have gone on longer that just one night. I thought that this man could have been my soul mate. He wasn’t. The man I’m married to is my soul mate and I praise God that he is. He is a wonderful man and I couldn’t ask for more.<P>I know about the lies that go with an affair. I know about the fog that goes with an affair. I know about the fantasy that go with the affair. I also know that since he isn’t having to deal with the everyday life with you, it is all fantasy. I feel that the love you “feel” about OM. OM doesn’t have to deal with child #1 and the problems he is having in school. Or the fact that he has an attention disorder.<P>He doesn’t have to deal with child #3 and all the health problems she has had in the past. She has taken grandma’s pills and needed to go the hospital. She had that stomach virus and had to go to the hospital for that.<P>What about child #4 and the fact that he is only 18 months old and a very happy baby. The fact that he wants mommy. He is a baby who truly loves his mommy. <P>What about child #2 in dance classes. <P>Would OM be willing to go to church? I feel that your relationship with the Lord has suffered a great deal because of the affair. You know that with what you are doing right now by having an affair with OM is hurting the Lord. Doesn’t that make you feel guilty that you are hurting your Father in heaven by having this affair? I know that once I got out of the fog of the affair, I felt guilty about what I did to the Lord. I felt that the Lord was never going to forgive me for what I did, even though I knew he would. I had to ask for forgiveness. I had to be out of the affair and living to his word before he gave me that forgiveness though.<P>I’m not saying that you have to leave OM forever and stay with six shooter. I’m not saying stay with OM and leave six shooter either. I believe that you do need to end the affair with OM and find out what the Lord wants for you. I feel that you need to be divorced from six shooter if you plan on staying with OM. It isn’t fair to either of them for you to continue to lie to both of them. It’s killing six shooter both emotionally and physically. I have seen that in him in the few times he has come over to use the computer and talk to ES.<P>You seem to want to have your cake and eat it too. You can’t do that. It just doesn’t work that way.<P>I know what you are going through. If I don’t understand something that you are thinking or feeling, I am willing to sit and listen to what you feel. I am willing to try to understand what you are thinking and feeling. Don’t let your affair ruin our friendship. I have told you things about me that most people don’t know. I had a hard time telling you that I tried to commit suicide. I thought that if I did, you would look down on me but you didn’t. ES thinks that with what you are doing, you feel I will judge you. I will attempt to not judge you just because of what is going on. But you need to make the attempt to see that.<P>I know that you have a hard time opening up to people. So do I. You don’t have to worry about telling me something and have me tell someone else about it. I still have a problem sometimes opening up to ES but I am getting better about it. I could never tell my parents about problems I have had or still have. My parents still don’t know that I tried to kill myself. Now you know how hard of a time I have to open up.<P>Don’t let what you are going through ruin our friendship. I am always going to be here to talk. Or even if you just need a hug. The Lord put us in each other’s lives for a reason. Let me help. I don’t plan on going away right now. I won’t let you go through this alone. I refuse to allow you to go through this alone.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by hopeful1771 (edited April 25, 2001).]

I'm thinking about this, hopeful... just wanted you to know... <P>I'll be back with my thoughts later... just thought this would bring it up top for more thoughts/replies and in the meantime, let you know I'm thinking of you!

Okay, back...<P>Hopeful, I'm not going to critique this line by line or anything... but I do have some thoughts...<P>This letter is a passionate reaching-out, but I think it may be a tad long. She'll stop reading and digesting after the first few paragraphs. I'd shorten it up a bit...<P>Be careful when addressing her relationship with the Lord... that could come across as judgemental and turn her right off from reading further...<P>Keep everything in that has to do with your *understanding* (from experience) of her situation, as well as your caring and love for her...<P>OKAY... let's get some others opinions!!! <P>Thoughts, hopeful???

NB,<P>I'm glad I posted it here. I just needed some thoughts on the letter. I knew I was going to get help from you on this subject.<P>I'll take what you said into my thought process and yes let's get some more thoughts

An updated version of the letter.<P>Friend,<P>Just thought I had to do something to find out what was going on. Six shooter has come over several times in the last week or so and posted on Marriage Builders. I haven’t seen or heard from you since I saw you at church on Thursday night when you thought you were Satan himself. I wasn’t sure if you even wanted to speak to me.<P>I’m beginning to wonder if our friendship is going to make it through this. It doesn’t seem like our friendship means much. I know that I haven’t done much to try to talk or see you. And for that, I am very guilty of. I am currently trying to fix that by writing this letter. I know that this isn’t the best way to do it but for me it’s the best way to start.<P>As you may know, I am a conflict avoider big time. I couldn’t tell ES about my affair. I couldn’t tell him about my physical affair or my internet affairs. I didn’t want him to think less of me. I didn’t want to hurt him. I thought that if I told him about my affairs, he would leave me and take our daughter with him. I thought that I would never see D ever again if ES knew about my affairs. But once he found out about my affairs, he didn’t leave me. He didn’t take D with him. There was a lot of tears and pain but we are currently working on our marriage.<P>I know about what you are going through to an extent. I know that my physical affair didn’t last as long as your affair is right now. Mine was a one night stand. But I thought that if this man didn’t blow me off like he did, we would have gone on longer that just one night. I thought that this man could have been my soul mate. He wasn’t. The man I’m married to is my soul mate and I praise God that he is. He is a wonderful man and I couldn’t ask for more.<P>I know about the lies that go with an affair. I know about the fog that goes with an affair. I know about the fantasy that go with the affair. I also know that since he isn’t having to deal with the everyday life with you, it is all fantasy. I feel that the love you “feel” about OM. OM doesn’t have to deal with Child #1 and the problems he is having in school. Or the fact that he has an attention disorder.<P>He doesn’t have to deal with Child #3 and all the health problems she has had in the past. She has taken grandma’s pills and needed to go the hospital. She had that stomach virus and had to go to the hospital for that.<P>What about Child #4 and the fact that he is only 18 months old and a very happy baby. The fact that he wants mommy. He is a baby who truly loves his mommy. <P>What about Child #2 in dance classes. <P>I’m not saying that you have to leave OM forever and stay with six shooter. I’m not saying stay with OM and leave six shooter either. I believe that you do need to end the affair with OM and find out what the Lord wants for you. I feel that you need to be divorced from Six Shooter if you plan on staying with OM. It isn’t fair to either of them for you to continue to lie to both of them. It’s killing Six shooter both emotionally and physically. I have seen that in him in the few times he has come over to use the computer and talk to ES.<P>You seem to want to have your cake and eat it too. You can’t do that. It just doesn’t work that way.<P>I know what you are going through. If I don’t understand something that you are thinking or feeling, I am willing to sit and listen to what you feel. I am willing to try to understand what you are thinking and feeling. Don’t let your affair ruin our friendship. I have told you things about me that most people don’t know. I had a hard time telling you that I tried to commit suicide. I thought that if I did, you would look down on me but you didn’t. ES thinks that with what you are doing, you feel I will judge you. I will attempt to not judge you just because of what is going on. But you need to make the attempt to see that.<P>I know that you have a hard time opening up to people. So do I. You don’t have to worry about telling me something and have me tell someone else about it. I still have a problem sometimes opening up to ES but I am getting better about it. I could never tell my parents about problems I have had or still have. My parents still don’t know that I tried to kill myself. Now you know how hard of a time I have to open up.<P>Don’t let what you are going through ruin our friendship. I am always going to be here to talk. Or even if you just need a hug. The Lord put us in each other’s lives for a reason. Let me help. I don’t plan on going away right now. I won’t let you go through this alone. I refuse to allow you to go through this alone<BR>

For what purpose are you writing the letter? If you want to ease your conscience that you did reach out to your friend and give her solid advice, your letter serves its purpose. Your letter displays empathy, sorrow and sound guidance. If, however, the purpose of your letter is to reach out to your friend and open a dialougue for further discussions, I think, you letter falls woefully short. Indeed, it would defeat that purpose.<P>As well written as your letter is, it is judgemental--which is not a bad thing--but also not one likely to open up a dialogue with you and your friend. As a WS, I know if I had received such a letter, I would respond: thank you, but no thank you, this is not a matter I wish to discuss with you.<P>So what type of letter should you send to open a dialouge? A short one. One that apologizes for not being there before (your acknowledgement that you are a conflict avoider is one most folks can identify with) and that you want to be there now, in whatever capacity she needs. Let her know that there are somethings that she does not know about you (but which you are willing to share), and that you are empathic to her situation. Do not say that you know how she feels--you don't--and even if you do, every WS believes that their feelings are unique. Let her know that you will respect her confidentiality and then uphold your promise! Above all else, do NOT preach to her. In a discussion, your words do not come across as preaching, but in a letter they do. Believe me, most WS's know what they are doing is wrong. However, when someone--anyone--comes across as "preaching" or telling them what to do, WS's are more likely to tune out then listen up. For that kind of talk, a discussion, rather than a note is needed--it seems less like a lecture.<P>To reach your friend, try a very, very low key approach. Just let her know that you are there. If she doesn't follow up, you are always free to talk to her or follow up with a note which is more instructive (like the one you propose to write).<P>Just my 2 cents.

Come on gang . . . <P>My W is asking for some help here . . . This is something which is very important to her, and hopeful NEVER asks for help when it's important. She is now. . .<P>It should be important to ALL of us. . . Betrayed and betrayer alike.<P>God Bless

Hopefull,<P>I'm not a great letter writer but I'll try and give you a hand.<BR>It's obvious this person means something to you and you want to reach out to her.<BR>I think Sheryl and NewVoyager are on the right track, you probably want to shorten it up a bit.<P>Tell her you are sorry for neglecting your friendship and explain to her why - painful for you to see her making mistakes you have made for example<P>I think the statement about OM being supportive of kids is good - she needs to think about that but I don't think you need to individualize them.<P>Here's a bit of an outline I might use<P><BR>Dear Friend,<P>I am writing you first to apologize to you for negleting our friendship. I am so sorry for not supporting you as much as i could have in your time of need. I have found watching you make the same mistakes I did very difficult. As you may recall I have been down the road you are travelling and it hurts me to see you doing something that in the end could be not only hurtfull to sixshooters but to your children and you as well.<BR>Secondly I am writing to offer my listening ear to you. I know what you are going through. If I don’t understand something that you are thinking or feeling, I am willing to sit and listen to what you feel. I am willing to try to understand what you are thinking and feeling. Don’t let your affair ruin our friendship. I have told you things about me that most people don’t know. I had a hard time telling you that I tried to commit suicide. I thought that if I did, you would look down on me but you didn’t. ES thinks that with what you are doing, you feel I will judge you. I will attempt to not judge you just because of what is going on. But you need to make the attempt to see that.<BR>I hope that you will, in time be able to share with me. I will be ready to listen when you are ready to talk.<P>---------------------<P>It really depends what you want to say hopeful,<BR>Do you want to rekindle your friendship and open up diaglog - If so then go with a shorter version.<BR>Do you want to speak your mind and leave it at that - then write a longer version. It is up to you and the results you want.<P>I hope you get some more suggestions.<BR>My brain is a bit fried from exams tonight so I'm probably not the best one to help out with this.<P>God Bless<P>Love and Prays to You, ES, and D<BR> <p>[This message has been edited by Patient Love (edited April 28, 2001).]

Much too long. She will simply read until she finds out what the letter is about and toss it. After all, she isn’t doing anything “[i]wrong[i/].”<P>She’s having an affair & isn’t too concerned (at least at this point) about her marriage, why would she be concerned about your friendship? According to her (most likely) mindset, if you were her “friend” you would support her.<P>Tell her she needs to stop the affair and sort out her marriage. That doesn’t mean keeping in contact with the OM either.<P>Send the letter, then go over there in a few days and talk with her.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Hi Hopeful,<P>I didn't comment again because I wanted to see what some others had to say first... plus, you worked so hard, and yet, there was that one nagging thing that stayed in both letters - length. You MUST shorten it up a bit.<P>I honest-go-god think that you need to drop the kid references... I think you need to follow Nicole's outline -- short and simple -- telling her what you need to say, and then following Chris' advice and going over for a face-to-face afterwards...<P>Hopeful, you poured out your heart and soul here, and the last think I'd want to do is thrwart it -- you know your friend better than we do -- GO WITH YOUR GUT HONEY! If this is what she needs to hear, then send it...<P>Hugs, Sheryl

I think I will take Patient Love's advice and use this letter. Or something very close to it. Thanks for all the advice.<P>Dear Friend,<P>I am writing you first to apologize to you for negleting our friendship. I am so sorry for not supporting you as much as i could have in your time of need. I have found watching you make the same mistakes I did very difficult. As you may recall I have been down the road you are travelling and it hurts me to see you doing something that in the end could be not only hurtfull to sixshooters but to your children and you as well.<BR>Secondly I am writing to offer my listening ear to you. I know what you are going through. If I don’t understand something that you are thinking or feeling, I am willing to sit and listen to what you feel. I am willing to try to understand what you are thinking and feeling. Don’t let your affair ruin our friendship. I have told you things about me that most people don’t know. I had a hard time telling you that I tried to commit suicide. I thought that if I did, you would look down on me but you didn’t. ES thinks that with what you are doing, you feel I will judge you. I will attempt to not judge you just because of what is going on. But you need to make the attempt to see that.<BR>I hope that you will, in time be able to share with me. I will be ready to listen when you are ready to talk.<P>