Why is this such a big deal for WS's?<P>To me this seems like a rationalization of "fog." <P>Being "in love" or falling "in love" is so different from a love that has been built over the length of a relationship.<P>In mine it was built on trust, respect, compassion and caring. Loving was all the things that had little or nothing to do w/romance. It was holding your partner's hand and taking care of them when they were sick. Supporting them when they were down. Providing a boost for their self esteem. Talking, walking, praying together. Just being there for someone.<P>It is so sad now that this catch-all phrase of "not in love" is so conveniently tossed about by WSs, as if that somehow excuses their thoughtless and selfish behavior. And that is supposed to be acceptable to us as a reason to toss away a relationship that has been nurtured and built over the long-term. <P>The one with the true love are all of us BSs patiently waiting for the fog to lift and for the WSs to recognize (again) what real love involves.<P>Thanks for letting me rant, again <P><BR>

Elad - of course, you are correct. Other than the "just friends" description, the WS statement "I love you, but I'm not 'In Love' with you" seems to be the most universally used alien abductee phrase. They MUST have been abducted by the same alien race because they all use it. This is proof enough.<P>I don't mean to make light of your frustration. Humorizing it is my defense for my frustration that I seriously share with you.<P>WAT

Hi Elad,<P>This term comes from the WS class 101A. It is used by most Ws's as a way to get out of facing reality. Most graduates of WS 101A, use this term and more. <P>You may find that your WS will say and do many things that are not rational. From you previous posts (if I remember correctly), you are already finding this out. <P>Now, please do not let this get you down. Remember you are the sane one in your family at this time. Time and patience does pay off. It is hard for me to cultivate patience but many here have reminded me that this is a needed quality on the part of all BS's. So I pass this piece of advice to you. <P>For me it has been over 5 months. WS in my family is now beginning to see some light. Can't jump up and down yet but it has changed from I love you but not in love with you to I guess I really do love you. I didn't know I did. Duh.... Well, honey, maybe you just forgot because the OW was telling you that I did not love you!!!!!!<P>Ok. That is how I looked at my situation. I had to hang in there and there is still no guarantee. In the meantime, we all try to encourage each other & be available for support. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<P><BR>

Add in "I need space" or "I love you, but I can't commit to you." Err, what about the 15+ years of marriage, what was that if not commitment. Gosh yelling that last phrase still sticks in my head.<P>It's a way of defining the fence sitting, love, in love. It's a way to give the spouse hope, yet also let them know things are not at that point going to be all right.