I think that this is why I have such a hard time initiating Plan A. What's in it for me? Why am I initiating all of the work in trying to save a marriage that he set out to destroy, practically from day one? <P>What do other BS's expect to reap in salvaging their marriages? For some of you it sounds like you had it pretty good and then BAM! -- the A. Others of you sound more like me -- being the "enabler", allowing S. freedom, expression, their"own thing", only to be kicked below the belt at the worst possible moment (mine came while I was pregnant and while I was recovering from breast surgery). <P>I believe in marriage, but this one has never given me what I feel like I've put into it. How/why do you hang in there if you believe that your S cannot return the kind of love that you are willing to give them? <P>In closing, I feel like I've been Plan A-ing for the last ten years and this has only enabled him to cheat as often as he felt like it. What do I do?

Dear Snow<P>I know what you mean. For 17 years, it seemed the more I gave the more he took. Now we must do for ourselves. Not give so much that we loose who we are in the process. But we have formed a habit of giving (doormat). If only we could feel the confidence of our S in thinking and feel that we are worthy of loyalty, love and affection.<P>Plan A, thread that was recommended to me in a previous post. What I was missing in the A thing... it is for me not for them. <BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html</A> .<P>Hope it helps. These WSs are so totally selfcentered and selfish. <P>

Wow! Thank you watami, GREAT link. I'm e-mailing a copy to WS, as food for thought. There's so much information here and only so many hours in the day. Being guided to the right info is a blessing. <P>WS knows what he's missing here -- he has since BEFORE dday and has never been in favor of our separation. I felt like I needed it for my sanity. I also needed to see him with his own place, paying his own bills, doing his own laundry, cooking his own meals... <P>He has never said that he DOESNT love me. He has always said that he believes in our marriage, yet his actions have proven anything but. That's a great point brought up in that link. Something I've felt for a long time but never was able to communicate. <P>Okay, I'm REALLY new here. I've read everything that I can find about Plan A but the actual "plan" isn't clear to me. Where can I go to get the specifics? Is it in the book? Can I see it on-line?<P>