My husband and I have been married for 25 years. Our children are grown. Neither of us is happy at all. We lead completely separate lives. I know he has been having an emotional affair for years with the same woman. We both want to call it quits. Close family members are in a state of shock. I do not understand why we should be miserable the rest of our lives to please other adults. Please give me your thoughts on this. Thank you.

Jennifer, if you make the choice to be miserable together, you will be miserable. But if you both make the choice to love one another and be happy together, then it is entirely possible to do so.<P>Of course you should not stay together to please other adults - that's a silly idea. You should stay together because you promised each other that you would love, honor and cherish one another all the days of your lives. And you should then go about finding out HOW to love, honor and cherish one another.<P>The most devastating thing in the lives of children is for their parents to divorce - it doesn't matter how old they are... don't think it is ok because they are grown. It is NOT ok for them, ever... and it will not be ok for you unless you are sure that you have done everything possible to make your marriage work.<P>There are tons of resources available on this site and in the relationship section of all major bookstores. People CHOOSE to love one another... 25 years ago, you and your husband chose to love one another - you still can.<P>Good luck - I hope you find the love and happiness that I know exists for you in your marriage.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

I agree with Terri. People too often assume that a new spouse will solve the problems that existed in their marriage. Reality is that 1st marriages fail 50%, 2nd 60%, and third 70%. Why is this? It is because people take their unsolved baggage to their next marriages. Work on what is wrong with your current marriage before doing anything else.<P>Read everything on this site, and buy some books. Make sure you do everything you can before concluding that your marriage won't work. Many couples have made it despite torrid love affairs, infidelity, lies, and much more. Do your research and make sure you have put all your effort into saving your marriage. Good luck. Talk to Steve Harley once just to see what he has to say.