Why am I the way I am? Why do I make my W so miserable? Why can't I just do the thinks she likes? If I could she might never have strayed. She might never have had the EA.<BR> She tells me that over the years I have done some very mean and hateful things. I don't remember these things.<BR> Tonight I told her she could go out with some co-workers. When she came home, I began to loose it. Why do I do this? I never want to hurt her. I feel that it was my fault that she had the EA. And now because of tonight I feel that I am pushing her back into his arms.<BR> Why do I do these things?????<P>------------------<BR>QAEng<BR>"What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder." Matthew 19:6.

QAEng - Why? My guess is that it's because you're pretty normal. She's rewriting history or dredging up insignificant things to justify her actions. She WANTS you do feel responsible because she can't face her responsibilities. Don't let yourself be the fall guy. Look past her blaming you and take the moral high ground. She has victimized you. Try to get past this and get over feeling responsible - then, instead of being a victim, change into the hero that will save the marriage. You are the only one capable of rational thought right now. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and stand tall. We will help.<P>WAT<p>[This message has been edited by worthatry (edited April 26, 2001).]

Worthatry - Thanks for the words of encouragement. If I could only tell you the things she says that I have done over the years. Horribly mean things. <BR> I do believe that she is having difficulty truely facing what she has done. At the same time though, I am having the same difficulties. She describes to me in vivid detail things that I did and have no memory of. She tells me of things that I did to her and to the kids. Her descriptions stick in my mind like elaborate paintings.<BR> I know that I have many many problems that I need to sort out. I am going to be calling our councelor today to ask for additional help for myself. I think I need something to take the edge off.

Good - you're thinking rationally. Look back and QA your actions, communicate to her that you recognize things you need to work on. Even admit that you see some things differently now, and make sure she knows you're going to your counselor. This is a sign of strength. The down side is that this tends to substantiate her claims, but this is unavoidable. When you make improvements in yourself, demonstrate those improvements. In time, you'll pull ahead to overcome the downside. Find the power that comes with knowledge of what you're up against. Regain some confidence and take control of yourself - the only person you can control.<P>Keep asking questions.<P>WAT

WAT<BR> Thank you again. We have talked extensively. I take full responsibility for what I have done. I have swore to fix myself such that I will never do such things again. She already knows about the councelor, we have both gone once and she went once alone. I am the next to go alone.<BR> I just feel that I have lost total control. My whole body shaks. My emotions run wild. I can't keep a striaght thought. I have had to leave work twice this week because I just couldn't stand it anymore. Today rational thought escapes me, my emotions have total control. I must fight this and regain control I know. It is just extremely difficult. I am not sleeping well. I am not eating well. And the whole world is going down the tubes.<BR> If I see her right now it is extremely difficult to discuss problems. But when I am away I feel even more alone in the world.<BR> My only saving grace right now is my three kids. They mean the world to me. They are why I am still here on earth. But even at times when the pressure builds up to much I begin to snap at them. I then hate myself for doing that.<BR> Everything is spiraling down out of control.

I can't remember if you're on anti-depressants. If not, get to a doc ASAP to be evaluated for depression. I validate your feelings - we've all been there and it sucks. The meds are really effective, but take weeks to be effective. <P>Right now, don't look too far down the road. Take it one day at a time. Pour yourself into your kids and be the best Dad you can. It will get better.<P>WAT

I am going to see our family doctor this afternoon. <BR>The reason that I started posting my story and asking for help here was because of the wealth of knowledge and experience that I read the first day I found this web-site.<BR>I have to figure out exactly how I can focus only on my kids and allow her the time she needs right now.<BR>I'll tell you that the single most painful statement that she makes to me is "I fell in love with him." And that echos through my head constantly.<P>A couple of days ago when it was really bad again I had a friend tell her to read Proverbs 30:20 and Mathew 19:4-6. She got very upset about the first one.

I know what you mean, my wife told me the same thing. But she still denies an affair. Moose brain worms.<P>WAT

Thanks I needed the laugh.<BR>I now have an appointment with our councelor for tomorrow afternoon.<BR>Hopefully out of seeing my family doctor today and the councelor tomorrow the weekend will shape up to be at least bearable.<BR>

QAEng...<BR>Hang in there...you will find the strength to see yourself through this!<BR>Acceptance makes it easier...accept the feelings your having instead of fighting them, and the struggle lessens.<BR>It is ok to experience all the things that you do, and the feelings will come regardless of the fight you put up. They will only take longer to resolve if you try to tuck them away and 'gain control'. <BR>Accepting doesn't have to mean giving in - it doesn't mean you will become overwhelmed - it only means that you understand what you are going through and why. <BR>It will allow your mind to start healing...it was the greatest gift my therapist gave me in the beginning...permission to allow myself to feel what I needed to so that I could cope and begin to heal.<BR>In a strange way it also made it easier to be around my children...I stopped losing my patience so much, and was even able to enjoy the time. <BR>I would tell them that 'mommy was having a tough day' and needed some fun to feel better...would they like to help?<BR>Of course they did...and often.<BR>It took time, but eventually I was able to behave like a good parent again.<BR>I know this whole idea sounds scarry...you wonder whether you have the strength to do it...that's ok...you don't need your own strenght right now...find it here in the people reaching out to you...find it with God.<BR>Remember the poem called Footprints?<BR>God will carry you through this...and we will all help.

QAEng,<BR>I just read your posts on this thread and feel like you've written my very thoughts on everything. I too can't concentrate on work. I have also snapped at my children and they do not understand why.<P>My W also made me feel absolutely miserable this weekend. She had me convinced that this was all my fault and that there was no affair. That is until I found her cell phone bill with over 100 outgoing phone calls to OM in one month (not counting incoming). Then I went from depressed for thinking that I could have prevented it in its early stages to being depressed that everything I've been blaming her for was true. Psychiatrist told me yesterday that it was because I was in a form of denial - I need proof before I truely believe it.<P>Anyway I know your emotions well. I am feeling them right now. Sometimes I just shake other times I actually cry. Maybe over the next few weeks/months things will improve for both of us.<P>S&C

Well my doctor put me on Prozac. He said it wont work immediately but in time it will help.<BR> I called my W when I returned home from the doctor's office and told her what I am on. All I heard from her was the same old statement: "I never meant to hurt you." Actually I think she put a little twist on it this time it was more like: "I never meant for this to be this bad on you." I am getting so over hearing that.