First a little history. H has never really worn his wedding ring, but then last Jan, just prior to the start of his A, he started wearing it. Wore it until mid March and then stopped again. Said, that it was just too uncomfortable, etc. Little did I know, he was planning on consumating his relationship with OW that week. Anyway, this past weekend in Boston, I asked H if he would put his wedding ring back on. He said, not yet, it's too soon. I don't know if he ever will, but suspect that until he has a new job not working with OW that he won't even consider it. I've kept mine on most of the time over the last year. A couple of times, I did take it off (once I threw it at him) and told him that until he put it back on me, that I wouldn't wear it. He seemed to get upset that I wasn't wearing it, and so I put it back on. Honestly, it means very little to me right now in the sense of what it stands for. I told him that I wanted a new one (fake gold band from Target would thrill me---it would be the fact that he got me a new ring and that it would stand for a recommitment to our marriage)<P>I'm curious if BS's and WS's view this the same and if you have kept your rings on even though an A is/was happening.

I never took mine off. Never. In fact, when he was visiting one of the few times he did while he was gone, he commented on the fact that I was still wearing them. I told him I was still married! He said he was gonna divorce me, I said he could do whatever he wanted, but I was married. He just sat there quietly and said "Thank you." That was it. But I did notice after that he checked my left hand every time he saw me. And since his brother was stopping by frequently to check on us, I found out he asked him if I was still wearing my rings.<P>He took his off when he realized he was "in love" with PT...about two months b/f he left me. He did ask for it back not long after he came home, but, since it didn't fit, he wore it on a chain for a few months. For my b-day in August (he had been home since Feb), he surprised me by getting it fixed to fit and asked me to put it back on him. He does take it off at work for fear of injury, but now he wears it all other times.<P>Lori

I'm wearing mine right now, but a little history.<P>When our youngest son was in cancer treatment, we both stopped wearing rings for infection precautions and because we were always washing our hands and frequently wearing surgical gloves. When he was off treatment, we never really put them back on. She didn't because she still did a lot of hands on administration of meds and stuff and still needed to wear gloves. I didn't because I didn't feel married. This was the time period that our relationship disappeared and we essentially became roommates. She showed no interest in our relationship, despite my repeated requests to work on it. Her ring never returned to her finger after our son died.<P>When the A hit, I immediately put my ring back on and I make sure she sees it every chance I get.<P>Dave (WAT)

My W (WS) still wears hers and I have asked her if she takes/took it off. She claims no--which lead to my question of how she could have sex w/OM while wearing her wedding ring?<P>I broke (shattered) my wrist in December...same weekend my W was off meeting OM in a different city for PA. (but that's another story.)<P>I could not wear my ring until cast came off and swelling went down. I wore it on my little finger the week after EA d-day. Then took it off. After PA d-day I could wear it on my ring finger but took it off. My W asked why & I just stared at her in disbelief. BUT--I have out it back on because--and this is imortant to me--I am married and it is for me a sign of respect to the person I married and to the institution of marriage that I wear it.<P> <P>

We are still wear ours. But there is some thing funny about it though. I was living at NY city when the D-day came and he told me he want a D ASAP, I rushed home the next morning and found out the the one base board on the floor is missing. I asked him why, he said he took of the ring some time and it get lost in the base board, so he have to take it apart and find the ring( I ask him then, why you want to find the ring if you are going to d me). I though it is reasonable at that time. Two days later, my sister-in-law told me- you should wonder why the ring get in there the first place. So, I ask my H why he took it off. he said- well, I took it off from time to time, you just never notice it. I have been home for two month now, he never once took it off, So, I think before the D, he must took it off when he went to her place to make her feel good.<BR>I took my ring off the other night, he is a little shocked and put it back on for me. Talking about they know what they want, huh!<BR>He still want the OW and he are mean to be. But about the wedding ring, it is a funny thing.<BR>

I think for some people, rings mean a great deal, and for others, nothing. <P>The OW and my h. never took theirs off, and she even gave him hand jobs wearing hers...but then, she also entertained my h. in her marriage bed when her h. was out of town and her kids asleep in their rooms. <P>Apparently, this sort of thing means a lot to some and nothing to others.<P>Personally, I took mine off during our separation, and had him put it back on when we got back together again. <P>However, I have made it clear that a BIG, expensive anniversary band would help me heal, because he is usually very stingy with gifts. He actually brought it up first, saying, "Gosh, I didn't spend much on your engagement ring, did I? It's so tiny." I just agreed and said, "yup, feel free to upgrade it whenever you think you can afford it."<P>my 2 cents,<BR>liz<p>[This message has been edited by alias (edited April 26, 2001).]

Thanks for the replies, it's interesting to hear other perspectives on the issue.<P>alias---I had to laugh about the anniversary ring. Our 10th is in about 7 weeks, and I've also made it clear that a very large ring would help me heal much quicker (and he knows that I am kidding about it)!!! The way I figure---3 kids, they should be worth about a carat each (Ok, maybe that's a little bit much, after all I do have small hands, a ring like that would probably look out of place.....)

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by alias:<BR><B>However, I have made it clear that a BIG, expensive anniversary band would help me heal</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I love it -- just LOVE IT!!!!<P>I kept my ring on during my affair (lasted three months with one hop in the sack) and took it off when my ex began his series of affairs -- by then, since it was months after my affair ended and clearly it seemed there was going to be no working it out, it just seemed like it meant nothing.<P>I love <B>Lostva's</B> answer, and now wish I'd handled it like that...<P>Hindsight, you know.

I have worn my ring consistently for 10 years only taking it off when work required. (Occasional high voltage electrical work while I was in the Navy.)<BR>Since I discovered the EA I have taken it off twice because I just could bear wearing it knowing what she was doing and thinking.<BR> Both times I made her put it back on me.

I took my rings off the night I found out about the affair. My husband wears his when he decides that he wants me and not the OW. I have not wore my rings for a year and two months. I refuse to put that ring back on.<BR>I think that it did not mean anything to him wear his rings while he had the affair. So, the ring dose not mean anything to me.

I also took mine off the day my husband confessed.<BR>I have refused to put them back on, as the thing they signify does not exist anymore...and also held no value to my husband.<BR>He has suggested that we renew our vows when we feel we are far enough into recovery...perhaps then.<BR>I do wonder though...if I will ever be able to look at those rings without being reminded?<BR>Perhaps we should think about some shopping.

so Duped,<P>I would get new rings. New rings with a new begining.

Here is what happened with us:<P>1. 3 years ago, our son dropped H's wedding band in the toilet. Son informed H of this 2 years ago. <P>2. I have not been able to wear my ring due to a nerve rash on my hands which healed in August 00. <P>Unfortunately, August 00 was our 10th anniversay. It was also the month when H went ea/pa with OW. He had also been doing the 1 nighters for 11 months prior. <P>Not knowing this, I was planning to get new bands for us on our 10th. Since we did not have a '10th' anniversary, (I wonder why) there are currently no rings on either of our hands. Hm.... Symbolic yes, requirement for a good marriage, no. But it sure helps. <P>I did notice that H put on his ring he wore before we got married (something he picked up in Thailand), now that I think back, it was probabaly so make it look like he was married when he & OW would do the Motel 6 hop. Big wow. <P>So for me, rings are nice but not a necessity. If they can pretend with a ring, then it may not mean a lot to them either. <P>L.<BR>

We had outgrown our wedding rings a long time ago, so we gave them to our son and his ex when they married. H quit wearing his a year or so after we married, saying that it was dangerous to work in.<P>When we married, H promised to buy me a diamond engagement ring someday. I had really wanted a solitaire engagement ring, but I didn't want one that you'd have to squint to see it. Everytime I mentioned an engagement ring, H would pooh-pooh the idea, saying that we couldn't afford such foolishness. About 10-12 years after we married, I mentioned that I had seen a 1-carat CZ for $99, which was within his budget for my Christmas present that year. I went out and bought a plain band to wear with it. That's when I quit wearing my original ring.<P>The night I took the fake engagement ring and cheap band off was the night ( a couple of months after our initial confrontation over his cheating) when I said something about how it would be nice to renew our wedding vows, and his response was to sneer and say, "She--**!"<P>I later told him that I wanted a new courtship, a new proposal (romantic, this time!), a new wedding (with new anniversary date) and new rings.<P>The first set of rings I picked out was $3700. Too expensive, he said, and he'd never pay that much for a ring.<P>I looked on the net and found a clearance sale at Service Merchandise, with a 3-row, 3-carat TW diamond wedding band, marked down to $999. I gave him the printout, and he stuck it in his pocket. I figured that he wouldn't get around to buying the ring, but I got the ring for Christmas.<P>I still don't have the other stuff to go with it, although he did shout out, "Will you marry me?" one night when we'd been fighting and he was drunk.<P>The only reason I wanted a BIG ring was so I could flash it in CW's face. Funny thing about her reaction, though. Several years ago (back when CW really WAS just a friend to both of us), H gave me some money to buy myself an inexpensive diamond dinner ring. I took that money and put it with some money that Mom gave me, shopped around and found a really nice 1 Carat TW ring. CW ooohed and aahed over that ring like crazy. When I flashed the new band at her (everybody else there was admiring it like crazy), she just looked at me rather woodenly and said, "It's very nice, LC."<P>Oh, yeah, last summer, our son gave our original rings back to us. H wanted to get them resized and for us to start wearing them again. I tried wearing the ring on my pinky finger, but I couldn't stand looking at it, so I told him that I didn't want to wear it again because it means nothing but broken promises to me now. The ring is now in his sock drawer, and he's said no more about it. I did have his ring resized, and he's worn it ever since...after not wearing it for about 28 years.<p>[This message has been edited by Lady Clueless (edited April 26, 2001).]

I took mine off after my PA 8 years ago. I felt so guilty about what I'd done. I didn't notice a the time but hubby stopped wearing his one year ago. About the time his EA (which turned into a PA in November) started. Since dday 9 weeks ago, I have begun wearing my ring. It comforts me in these very sad times. Last night I found his ring. The inscription from me read " I will love you forever". I do still love him very much. What should I do with his ring?<BR>Exxon

Looking back, my WS stopped wearing her ring shortly after A began & it was an issue with me for months before D-Day --she had excusses, but it was part of her MLC & feelings of being trapped in 30 year marriage & her feelig like she was single again!<BR>After D-day (01-17-01), I sent her home to her Parents (I asked & she agreed)and she had car full of clothing & belongings -- happen to forget ring (I don't think she thought I was going to take her back or she did notfeel she deserved to be let back??) -- I stopped wearing mine for a cople weeks when she was gone -- She knows this is important things with me & has not had it off since returning 02-08-01.<BR>Good Luck!<BR>HH

I've always worn my rings except for about a 10 hour period. I was really upset and you all helped me with it. I went home and put my rings back on.<P>H took off his ring when he went out of state for his PA. H put it back on when he came home in March. Then 2 weeks later he took it off again. H moved out last Monday and came back this week to get some things. Well he left his ring on his night stand and left.<P>A positive note about rings. When H proposed to me he didn't have a ring. So we went to pick out our rings. H told me what ever I want, just tell me what you want. Well I found my rings and I LOVED them. Oh they are so beautiful and I have NEVER seen my set on anyone else! Well the sales lady accidently flipped over the price tag and I said no way, I'll find something else. H told me no, it's what you want and you will have it. That just confirmed that I love my H with all my heart.<P>I'm crying at work as I write this. It's touching but now H is gone and may never return.<P>K

My W takes her wedding ring off at night when she sleeps. I never take mine off.<P>She says she never took it off while she was with the OM, and that he never took his off either. I honestly don't know what's worse - her taking it off or leaving it on. Either way, she still slept with him. <P>-HD

I have never removed mine throughout the whole ordeal with my wife. Don't plan on it, either.<P>Incidently, a habit that my wife has concerning hers has become quite comical. In order to hide the fact that anything is wrong at home from the people at her company( the OP, a woman, is her boss), she only wears hers at work. As soon as she would come home, the rings came off. Now that we have separated, I'm not quite sure if this practice has continued. I'm not even sure if the people at her work know we are separated...

I continued to wear my rings after D-day but when he left 2 months ago, I quit wearing them. It was hard at first but now I feel released and better, it seems to take away some of the pain by not seeing them everyday. He still wears his when the boys or I have seen him. But one time, when he was on TV for a demonstration of his self-defense class, the first thing I noticed was that he didn't have his ring on, this was after D-day. I mentioned it to him and he said, "I didn't want to hurt someone!" HA( What about me!)I feel like you others that thought having a new set and re-marriage would be the best way to get them on my finger again. The symbolism of the rings in God's eyes are the ever lasting love, no beginning and NO END! Represents God's Love for us too. I find that after 19 years of wearing my rings, my fingers have a permanent mark and in two months this has not come off. We all did take vows before our Awesome GOD, "Til Death do us Part!" that is the only way for an end! I agree and like the idea of new set and a new beginning! Love You ALL!