<BR>My wife's ex-lover (she had an affair about 9 months ago) called her on her mobile phone. He hasn't made any contact with her in about 6-7 months, and we were just starting to feel as though he might leave us alone.<P>He knows he is not welcome to call. When my wife first told me about the affair (8 mos ago), I passed the word down through mutual friends (me and the ex-OM used to be friends) that he was absolutely not welcome to contact either of us. He chose to do so anyway, and when my wife told me, I had my dad talk to him (as I wasn't ready to confront him in a non-violent manner) and his wife together and repeat that he was not welcome to call.<P>Now, 6-7 mos later, he calls. My wife recently delivered a child and almost died in the process. It could be that this is what spurred the call. When my wife answered, she was at the doctor's with the children, and was shocked to hear from him, and simply told him that she would call him back later. She wishes that she would have told him not to call, but she didn't. She hasn't called him back, nor does she want to.<P>So, what are we to do? Every time this guy comes back in our lives, it causes problems. He has the ability to randomly pop in and out at his choosing, and it is disruptive to us. Luckily, my wife and I are very much in love right now, and this time, as opposed to past contact, I don't feel like it is causing any dilemma to her (other than annoyance).<P>We don't want him to call anymore, but don't know how to stop it. The options that we have thought of are:<P>a) Contact his wife via e-mail to let her know about the call. The theory being that if every time he makes contact, something negative happens, he'll quit making contact because the consequences are greater than the reward. It also lets him know that she is sharing everything with me – that she'll tell if he calls. Cons: we've tried this route and here he is again. Also, his wife is a depressive person that could react very negatively to this news of her husband's continued betrayal. We want no part in her causing harm to herself or others. (My wife feels more strongly about this than I do, as I'm not as sure she would react negatively in this manner; that said, I don't completely rule it out).<BR>b) My wife and I sitting down together and composing a letter to him explaining that he is not welcome in our lives anymore and that she has no feelings for him anymore. Theory being that if it he sees the words from her (primarily) and me together, that he may decide to stop. By circumstance, she has never told him definitively not to call her anymore. It also lets him know that she is sharing everything with me – that she'll tell if he calls. Cons: we have agreed that he shouldn't impact our lives together, however us taking action in this manner, we would be dedicating time towards him, plus giving a reaction to his action. It could be that he is looking for a reaction – positive or negative, just to be acknowledged by her in some manner.<BR>c) Simply do nothing with the agreement that if he ever does call her back, she will not talk to him, except to say that he is not welcome to call anymore. That she will not let the phone call go more than 20 seconds, even if she has to hang up. The theory is that by giving him no reaction, he'll have nothing to sustain his assault on. No food to feed on, if it were. If he keeps getting nothing, maybe he will give up. Cons: Obviously this is very passive. It may be too subtle to work. He may call her again. If he does call her again, it allows contact, albeit limited, with him. Without concrete closure, we don't know if he'll call again or not, and that is bothersome. Also, it allows possible repeated disruptions in our life.<P>Also, do you think as a small measure, we should have the cell phone number changed? His pattern has been to call the cell phone when he wants to talk to her. He does know the house phone number too. But changing the number might be a small step that would discourage calls.<P>So, what should we do??????<P>I'm trying to behave very calmly and rationally, but this is very troublesome to me. Any help you can offer would be GREATLY appreciated.<P>Thanks a lot!!<BR>

Absolutely change the number...<P>Write the letter...<P>Contact the wife...<P>Then leave it alone...<P>You have some great ideas and a huge capacity for thoughtful understanding, Openheart... go with your gut on this one.<P>Good to hear your wife made it through childbirth and is healing...<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck

...and, I really hate to ask this... but... your wife delivered a child approx. nine months after the affair...<P>... was the affair physical, and does the OM think that he is, perhaps, the father??<P>I'm sorry if you've answered this on another post or I missed it... but as you can imagine, it changes things somewhat...

OpenHeart,<P>My suggestion to you would be: <BR>Step 1<BR>Sitting down with your wife to write a no contact letter.<BR>This not only will show OM that your wife is sharing things with you it will show him that you and your wife are working as a team and plan on being together.<BR>Step 2<BR>Changing the cell phone number.<BR>This will further say to the OM "I don't want you calling me"<BR>Step 3<BR>Ignore him for a decided period(say 3 months as an example)<BR>This will let him know that you and your wife have no interest in him.<P>If these don't work you could contact the police to place a restraining order on him (sounds kind of extreme but if he hasn't gotten the picture with the other tactics that could be the only way).<P>I hope this helps a little - although I am sure you will get differing advice from all sorts of people.<P><P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by new_beginning:<BR><B>...and, I really hate to ask this... but... your wife delivered a child approx. nine months after the affair...<P>... was the affair physical, and does the OM think that he is, perhaps, the father??<P>I'm sorry if you've answered this on another post or I missed it... but as you can imagine, it changes things somewhat...</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Excellent question. Actually there was a very real question of who the father was. We did an amniocentesis test on the womb and determined (by <BR>DNA) that it was indeed my child. This news was relayed to him.<P>

Okay then... and GOOD AND CONGRATS on that... I bet you are SOOOOOO HAPPY... I know I am just reading that! <P>So, continue getting that advice you seek, and let us know what you decide...

Guess what? Not more than 10 minutes after I posted this, my wife called. He called her. Here's the convo:<P>Him: Whats up?<BR>Her: We can't do this. Rob and I have come a long way since we last talked. We've moved on and you need to too.<BR>Him: Ok. I just needed to hear it from you.<BR>Her: Goodbye<BR>Him: Goodbye<P><BR>So that's it?!? I'm still a little freaked. Do we need to do anything else, or let it lie? My wife did a great job in handling the call. Although it makes my blood boil to know that he called her, I think it turned out as well as it could have under the circumstances... In hindsight, I wish I would have asked my wife to let him know that I knew he was calling her so that he would know that she was sharing with me, but alas...

I'd let it lie... but still change the phone number, I think.<P>If he contacts again, get that letter ready as well as having his wife on speed dial! Hopefully though, you won't have to do that.<P>Best wishes...

In my opinion it all depends on the wife. I thought her repsonse was too week and she is very susceptable to this guy starying contact all over. No matter how much your wife thinks in her mind there will never be a repeat, it's no gaurantee because predator's are very tricky. They do not take no for an answer. Don't be so polite with your letters and concern for the man's wife or for him. You want your marriage to last or don't you. To me your wife's respose was week. Maybe she should have talked zero to this guy. I think she left the conversation open to more tries. Next he may phone:<P>HIM: I thought about what you said, it makes a lot of sense.<BR>HER: Thank you.<BR>HIM: I am glad you have moved a long way with your life. I just want to thank you for being nice to me on the phone:<BR>HER: Your welcom but really I have to go.<BR>HIM: Ok, sorry, good bye.<P>Next Phone call three:etc. slow lead up to more contact plan. A predator will get you if you are week. If I was the husband, I would be concerned. The wife should not have talked to this guy zero, zero, zero. Well let his wife know and in that way the guy knows he was not welcome. The wife should not speak to him or write a letter to him.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by OpenHeart:<BR><B>Guess what? Not more than 10 minutes after I posted this, my wife called. He called her. Here's the convo:<P>Him: Whats up?<BR>Her: We can't do this. Rob and I have come a long way since we last talked. We've moved on and you need to too.<BR>Him: Ok. I just needed to hear it from you.<BR>Her: Goodbye<BR>Him: Goodbye<P><BR>So that's it?!? I'm still a little freaked. Do we need to do anything else, or let it lie? My wife did a great job in handling the call. Although it makes my blood boil to know that he called her, I think it turned out as well as it could have under the circumstances... In hindsight, I wish I would have asked my wife to let him know that I knew he was calling her so that he would know that she was sharing with me, but alas...</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>OpenHeart,<BR>My initial reaction mirrored New_Beginnig. I would not want to leave it to fate that he not call, otherwise he could periodically check back to test the temperature.<BR>If you feel comfortable with how your wife responded & that she was open & honest about it is a real good sign, I am tempted to leave well enough alone.<BR>The fact that he called a second time however would have me concerned that he never got the message clear enough the first time -- It might be good to show him you're not afraid to face up to him if you give him a call & calmly explain that your wife explained details of call & if he calls one more time you'll be taking it to a higher level & you'll be in contact with his W.<BR>He may still be in the FOG. I know in my situation, OMWM told me that she spoke to my WS and told her to leave it alone & my WS told her "good luck" and acted as if she was backing off -- then back went on as nothing had happened. Part of being in the FOG I believe means having no conscience, remorse -- they have to feel some consequence to have motivation to change!<BR>Sounds like you're having good recovery --Best of Luck!<BR>HH<P><BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Rodger:<BR><B>In my opinion it all depends on the wife. I thought her repsonse was too week and she is very susceptable to this guy starying contact all over. No matter how much your wife thinks in her mind there will never be a repeat, it's no gaurantee because predator's are very tricky. They do not take no for an answer. Don't be so polite with your letters and concern for the man's wife or for him. You want your marriage to last or don't you. To me your wife's respose was week. Maybe she should have talked zero to this guy. I think she left the conversation open to more tries. Next he may phone:<P>HIM: I thought about what you said, it makes a lot of sense.<BR>HER: Thank you.<BR>HIM: I am glad you have moved a long way with your life. I just want to thank you for being nice to me on the phone:<BR>HER: Your welcom but really I have to go.<BR>HIM: Ok, sorry, good bye.<P>Next Phone call three:etc. slow lead up to more contact plan. A predator will get you if you are week. If I was the husband, I would be concerned. The wife should not have talked to this guy zero, zero, zero. Well let his wife know and in that way the guy knows he was not welcome. The wife should not speak to him or write a letter to him. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>So what would you do at this point?<BR>

Open heart,<BR>It makes me sick to hear them say "We can't do this"<BR>I asked my H about this phrase...I said you just declared there is a you and her (we, us)--it should be "You can't do this"...<BR>I don't know how strong people have to be. But I know that if there was something I truly didn't want, like someone calling...I wouldn't respond to the hello. <BR>Change the phone no., do a no contact letter. And never respond to his voice again.--I think she should have just hung up on him. <P>I fear everyday that the ow will contact my H again. We did not do a no contact letter, but made it clear we all would never contact one another again. My h agreed with me that given one attempt we will get an order of protection against her. We have children and I don't trust people who are psychologically deranged and think they can have anything they want (her words)...she will not be dealing with us next time, but the authorities. Let her live with that on her permanent record...her consequences to her actions.

Another information update. My wife spoke to me when I got home and let me know that indeed, she had made him aware that I knew he was calling her. She told him this just before the part of us moving on. We also talked about changing the phone number and she was 100 percent behind that.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by OpenHeart:<BR><B>Another information update. My wife spoke to me when I got home and let me know that indeed, she had made him aware that I knew he was calling her. She told him this just before the part of us moving on. We also talked about changing the phone number and she was 100 percent behind that.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>OpenHeart,<BR>Rodger's points are well taken -- I did not initially think of those possibilities -- we BS, don't want to be accussatory, but another reposnse you got metioned your wife taking call -- number shows up on cell phone -- your wife has modified her story a little ?? I think you do not want to assume the worst --- I would make it perfectly clear, no excuses or exceptions -- next contact your're taking to next level -- OMW on speed dial thing!<BR>I changed my WS cell number two days after D-Day -- WS cannot very well talk about recovery & deniy this -- if they want to talk their are phones at work -pay phones at the mall ect. We've just making it so if WS is sincere -OM has more difficulty calling.<BR>good luck!<BR>peace,<BR>HH<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Hurrian Hoosier:<BR><B> OpenHeart,<BR>Rodger's points are well taken -- I did not initially think of those possibilities -- we BS, don't want to be accussatory, but another reposnse you got metioned your wife taking call -- number shows up on cell phone -- your wife has modified her story a little ?? I think you do not want to assume the worst --- I would make it perfectly clear, no excuses or exceptions -- next contact your're taking to next level -- OMW on speed dial thing!<BR>I changed my WS cell number two days after D-Day -- WS cannot very well talk about recovery & deniy this -- if they want to talk their are phones at work -pay phones at the mall ect. We've just making it so if WS is sincere -OM has more difficulty calling.<BR>good luck!<BR>peace,<BR>HH</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>My wife and I are in total agreement. We know that changing the number will not deter him from getting hold of her if he wants to. We just feel that it is another reinforcement that she doesn't want to receive calls from him. We feel that him calling the house may not be something he is prepared to do.<P>It is true that if she wanted to communicate with him, that simply changing the phone number is not adequate, however, I sincerely believe that she does not want to talk to him. She is the one that told me that he called -- both times. If she wouldn't have told me, I wouldn't have known.<P>As far as the phone number on the screen, when the calls came in, they were marked "private number", so she had no way of knowing who was calling (she thought it was my parents, as that is how their number lists).<P>The story she told me was consistent. She had just forgotten to tell me that she had also mentioned that I knew he was calling. She told me this first thing when I saw her after work, before I had even started talking about the subject.<P>The course of action that we both came up with and agree upon is as follows. We immediatedly change the phone number (she is doing that this afternoon) and we let it lie with the understanding that if he does call back, she is going to do one of two things. #1 Just hang up or #2 Say "F*#k off!" and then hang up (I totally agree with NC). Then we will send the letter, contact the wife and go with the harrassment angle. This isn't stuff I came up with by myself, it truly was a joint effort.<P>Make sense?<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by OpenHeart:<P>Make sense?[/B]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>OH,<BR>Sounds good to me -- Particularily when you are comfortable with what has happened & future plan of action! <BR>Keep up the good work!<BR>HH<P>

Ok, I agree with the action#1 or #2. Nothing less will do otherwise the risk is great no matter how sincere your wife is. The reason is it is not just your wife current ideas. A predator can wear your wife down. It happened in the first place already and I am sure you wife never thought she would do this either before. My wife assured me and made signed promises which I still believe now were very sincere BUT tow weeks later a man was able to manipulate her into a situation where the end result was an affair. Don't get too comfortable. The guy has not given up yet. It all depends on how strong is your wife. No means no. No talking, no contact. I think maybe response #2 is not even good. Maybe those are two words too many. Some men get stimulated when a woman swears at him and tells him off. He gets the pleasure of hearing your wife's voice. Some men have perverted thinking. I got this idea from some movie I watched many years ago. If the wife does #1 and the husband says #2 maybe that is OK? Just my opinion.

OpenHeart--<BR>Contact by the OM can be very bad--the whole recovery of your marriage can go down the drain, imho, because of the "wearing down" effect. I would consider any more contact from my W's former OM to be a deliberate attack on our marriage & family. My suggestion is for you to contact him yourself, calmly tell him that any further contact of any kind will not be tolerated, and the consequences of any further contact will be legal; i.e. harrassment charges and restraining orders. Then you and your W write a no-contact letter, restate what you told him, both of you sign it, dated, and send it certified mail with return confirmation of delivery. If he contacts again, have the police explain things to him.

Short letter.<P>“I do not wish to have any contact with you. Please do not contact me or my family again in any way. Any further contact from you will be considered harassment and appropriate action will be taken.<P>signed, wife“<P>Call a lawyer & talk (most have a 30 minute free consult) about harassment/restraining order.<P>Harsh? Maybe.<BR>Necessary? Hopefully not.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>