Hi all, I have been lurking on and off for about 3 weeks now?! I haven't posted in a while; only b/c there isn't much new. For the sake of the new people, and those who may not remember, my H had a 4-month affair 6/99 to 10/99 which produced a child, which was born 5/00. I found out about A, OW, OC, by receiving the child support papers in the mail 7/00. I was 5 1/2 months pregnant with our 3rd child. He was born in Nov.<BR>BTW, OUR son is wonderful. If you recall he was 9 lbs 6 oz and is a moose! He is only 5 1/2 months old, 19 lbs, and in 12 month clothes. He takes in baby food plus over a quart of formula a day! All he does is smile and never cries, and slept thru the night at 7 weeks. He does have horribly dry skin, but I have prescriptions for that.<BR>Now the reason for the sad smiley...I'm stuck in limbo. So much is going on in our lives and I'm stuck right where I was 9 months ago. (and i must admit he is trying and is remorseful)I figured I would have been so much further or divorced by now. I can't believe recovery is taking this long!( Well, yes I can but I was hoping that it wouldn't!) here are my latest issues...<BR>~I STILL can't believe he did this.<BR>~I still blame myself, NOT for his choice to have the affair, but that he felt so unloved that he was too weak to say no to her.<BR>~When he says, “I love you” I think …then why the affair? …or Yeah right!<BR>~I don’t feel it is from my heart when I say it back, but when he is gone I miss him so…<BR>~Intimacy? Nope! The last time we were intimate (over 2 months ago) I cried (as well as every time preceding that) now it’s even hard to enjoy a kiss! Oh, but when he holds me…. that feels so good! Is all hope lost for intimacy? Will I ever be able to let him touch me again? (This is a big issue for me b/c it was our “problem area” pre-affair)<BR>~WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE TURN OFF THE TRIGGERS???<BR>~I’m constantly living in the “should’ve, would’ve, could’ve” and especially the “what if” world….<BR>~And the thoughts, and fears of the OC, coming into our lives, again all the "what ifs". Right now my H does not wish contact...but what if...<BR>~I can’t stand the person I’ve become. I’m sad, obsessed, and untrusting. I go thru his things and ask questions all the time…still. And I used to be so organized!<BR>~I hate how cynical I have become. My SIL is getting married next weekend. It used to mean romance to me, now I am screaming “DON’T DO IT!!!!”<BR>~It is so hard to be happy for anyone. I hear someone is pregnant and I’m jealous b/c my last pregnancy was so bad and probably my last chance. And having his kids meant so much to me…<BR>~I resent that I have to go on anti-depressants AGAIN to get over another hurdle in my life. I thought that when I stopped after my eating disorder 7 years ago I wouldn’t need them again.<BR>Now, to confuse matters more, we are moving to a state that is 9 hours away from my family, friends and therapist. This is something I have been waiting to happen for about 8 years, and but for the fact that he had the affair, I would be jumping for joy and would have been packed yesterday. And to be honest I AM excited, but scared. With all of these feelings, is it wise to do at this time? We may not have a chance like this again for another 8 years. And the choice was mine in the end. He would have stayed or went. My therapist says it is a good idea, to look at it as a chance for a new beginning.<P><BR>But now that the decision is made, the plans are drawn for the house, and the sign is up on ours, I can’t help but think…what if?<P><BR>What if I can’t feel love, true love, for him again? Or am I looking for too much? What about the lack of desire for intimacy on my part? Will I ever feel secure in my marriage to him? What about the lack of trust? AAARRRGGGHHH!!!<BR>I really don’t know what I am asking in this post. I read the posts of those of you who are so positive, in your decisions and your marriages, and I try to gather strength in that someone has survived this…all is not lost. I only hope to be there one day. I guess I needed to vent and get some of this off my chest. As usual, any help would be GREATLY appreciated =) (I don’t know how to do the smiles). I guess it’s not too good to be “lurking” for too long. My head just feels like it’s about to bust!<BR>Good-nite, and if you made it this far thanx for reading/listening!<P><p>[This message has been edited by Not Giving Up (edited April 27, 2001).]

Hi NGU,<P>What a sad story. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. You have a new baby to care for and all of the joys and stresses that go along with that, plus this monsterous mound of garbage to sort through. <P>I'm sorrier still that unlike some of the further along folks in here whose stories I'm reading and learning from, I can't offer you anything but prayers and hope that things get better for you. <P>I'm as stuck as you are and nearly a year to dday myself. Still can't believe it, still cry if we're intimate, still sad and obsessed... I guess that's mainly why I'm here. <P>I hope that this is just a big dip in the roller coaster for you and that you'll start that climb upwards soon. <P>Kisses to your big, beautiful, gurgly baby boy! And hugs to you too.<P>Snow

My heart goes out to you! You seem to be overloaded. Do you do things for yourself to give you strength? It's difficult with a small baby but taking care of yourself first is what's most important- so you can be there for everything else.I suggest when you get moved that you work hard on yourself so you can feel better about the world.Don't be a victim. Take charge!<BR>God bless!

Hi NotGivingUp:<P>You're not really in limbo land you know...you're home free..you just haven't realized it yet...and it may take a leap of faith to get you to realize how blessed you are.<P>I've been where you are...the contrite WS home again...wanting to work on the marriage. But where was I...still stuck in the "why" and "whose's to blame"...and I couldn't forgive enough to let him back in...and it does take a leap of faith...faith that he won't hurt you again...faith that it can be worked out...faith to try and regain that important trust again. Please don't do what I did and continue to not make that leap...because the end result might be that he leaves again...just as my WS did...because nothing changed...things had really just gotten worse. But this was before MB and I think that if I had known what was missing in my marriage and how to go about it to heal some of the wrong...he would still be here today...instead of in a limbo land of his own..not sure of what or where he wants to be. <P>I hope you give yourself and him some more time...time to begin to look at him with different eyes...he really is a gift you know...God has let him find his way back to you..and placed him back within your hands..treat him like you appreciate his having made the right decision...because he did make the right decision didn't he.<P>Faye <BR>

Snow: Thank you for the prayers and support. I accept all that comes my way. I hope you are feeling better today also.<BR>MAEZY: It's funny, our therapist and I just went thru a session alone in which she asked me the same thing, and the answer is no I don't. I feel horrible about myself, how I look the clothes I wear, this should probally be a whole new post. Anyway, I hope to get it together after the move. It's hard for me to even get on the computer for the help I need form all of you...<BR>Buffy: I related to soooo much of what you wrote. Yes, I'm so stuck in the who is to blame and I can't forgive stage...but I also feel that if I do forgive, I assume alot more of the responsibility than I want to...and I'm not talking about the decision to have the affair, but for the problems we were having before the affair that led him there. It is just so hard for me to accept part of the responsibility for the problems without feeling I caused the affair.The whole cause and effect thing...It there weren't any problems he wouldn't have needed to be there.<BR>I remember on a phone call to a friend way before the affair that I said "If we keep this up(fighting and not communicating and therefore not being intimate), I'm afraid he will go elsewhere.", but in my heart I never actually thought he would do it, just as I knew I couldn't. <BR>We are realizing thru therapy that he had alot more to do with the problems than both of us realized. He now realizes that he wasn't communicating his feelings, and I'm realizing that I shut down in response to taking all the blamefor the problems.<BR>That is why I do want to find forgiveness, because he forgives me for shutting down and being non-communicative and affectionate, and promising I would try harder and not following thru.<BR>I'm not sure if all this makes sense. I have to go weed the yard as we have prospective buyers coming tomorrow. I'll try to check in later.

You are not in limbo. You are making conscience choices: not to forgive your H; not to move on with life; to dwell in sorrow and self-pity. I do not mean to minimize your pain. I know its real and heart wrenching. At the same time it seems, to me, that your reluctance to move forward serves more harm than good. You obviously want to salvage your marriage. If so, why do things that you know are destructive to it? You need not assume any blame for your H's affair--he made that choice! You must, however, assume some responsiblity for the way your marriage moves forward. When underlying problems are not addressed, patterns are likely to repeat themselves. There are no guarantees in life. It is what we make it. Don't lose your future being stuck in the past. It takes two to make a marriage work. If one is reluctant to put her oar in the water again--for whatever reason--the journey is not likely to go far. You know what you want. You can't erase the past. But you can help make the future what you want.

I am so sorry Not Giving Up,<P>You are hurting and kinda stuck. Both are very understandable. Please try to take care of you, find time for yourself and maybe fit in some time to date your husband. Are you two trying to fit in 15 hours a week of alone time? I know it must be SO difficult with three children and one just 5 months, but I think it would help a great deal. <P>It would reassure you that he loves you and you love him. Anyway, keep posting and keep trying, I am sure that will help quite a bit.