I just returned from my first counceling appointment where I went by myself. While in no part do I think that I am done there, I have many issues to work thru. Upon returning home I sent the following email to my W. Was this the right thing for me to do? Am I right in demanding such?<P>W,<P> My appointment went well. I was able not to break down at all. I came close several times but didn't. We talked quite allot about what our problems might be and discussed my issues back to childhood. We both agreed that I probably had some type of traumatic experience or experiences and that is why my memories are so sporadic. <BR> Most importantly, we discussed why I am having a difficult time right now. My conclusion is that I can not handle how you are riding the fence with your decision. It is not fair for you to treat me like that. I am a human being and deserve better treatment. I do not want to make this into an ultimatum thus drawing the line in the sand and defining when I will require an answer. I will say that it MUST be very soon. I can not go on wondering from day to day who you will pick. I can not go on wondering if you love me or not. I promised my life and soul to you 10+ years ago. I thought you made the same promise. Am I right or am I wrong???<BR> Tell me do you love me and are we going to work out the problems of our marriage? Or are you going to abandon all that we had to go be with him? Which will it be me or him?<BR> If you choose me, I will work with you to forget him. I will rededicate my life to you and the kids. I will stand by you and love you through all. I promised to love, honor, and cherish you until death do us part. I meant my promise and I will do just that plus more, much more. You are the love of my life. You are the person that I was destined to be with.<BR> If you choose him, then we are through. We will need to prepare our children for the eventuality that will be coming if this is the your choice. <P> Neither you nor I can go one like we have. I can no longer look into your eyes and wonder. I need to know who is more important in your life? The man who father your children and lived with you over the last 10+ years of OUR lives? Or the man who you have never physically seen or touched and have only talked to on the phone or through email? Who is more important? Who really means more? Where do your priorities lie?<P>What do y'all think??<BR>Was I right or was I wrong??<BR>Did I make a mistake?<P>Just wondering,<BR> Frank<P><P>------------------<BR>QAEng<BR>"What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder." Matthew 19:6.

Frank, whether or not this will be effective or not depends on many things. My counselor told me that if I gave any sort of ultimatums to my H, that she was quite certain that he would leave instantly. One of the issues in our marriage was control, and he was trying to regain what he felt that he'd lost. So, if I was telling him he had to make a decision, then he would have likely gone the other way. But, it may not be that way for you at all. It could be the jolt that your wife needs to see what she faces losing if she continues that behavior.<P>It is not fair for any of us to be treated that way, and many, many of us have been exactly where you are right now. Keep coming here for support and for validation of your feelings. <P>I would suggest, however, that anything that you do say to her be done non judgementally. The last few statements that you make will be considered disrespecful to her (I know, seems backwards, but that's how they think). Just be careful in the "tone" that you use, and be sure to be as loving as you can. One thing that many people on this forum have suggested and which is very effective is to talk in the "I" and not the "you". "You" statements are very threatening and accusing, while "I" statements tend to state how you are feeling, and may make your W less defensive in how she reacts to you.<P>Just a few suggestions.....we are here for you!!

I have not had to issue an ultimatum this important or painful. <BR>Regardless of what counsellors may say, my gut feeling was that I thought the e-mail was fantastic. If I imagine myself as your wife, I feel that you did offer choices, and in every choice, you described yourself behaving honourably, whether rebuilding your marriage or losing it. You offered her much more love and support and praise than you probably feel right now, and although you asked a couple hard questions, I think on the whole it's a very good thing. <P>I wish you much luck. Be strong and try to remain positive.<BR>Robyn

Well W got the email and we have talked since. I continue to explain to her how much she means to me and that I want to help her over her addiction to this A.<BR> She did not receive the intent of the email very well. She was upset that I took it to the ultimatum level. Maybe that was wrong? She is now on her way home from work. I do not know what answer or even if I will get an answer today.<BR> I will let y'all know what happens...<P>------------------<BR>QAEng<BR>"What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder." Matthew 19:6.

QA - I don't think anybody but your wife can say whether it was right or wrong. From an MB standpoint, this represents going straight to Plan B, but without the no contact clause. I don't want to add to your pain, but you need to demonstrate your improvements, not just promise them. This is what comes from a well implemented Plan A.<P>Nonetheless, couples reconciled long before there ever was a plan A and B, and they will in the future without knowing what they are. Come back to us with her reaction and we will help you the best we can.<P>WAT<p>[This message has been edited by worthatry (edited April 27, 2001).]

Thus far tonight nothing bad nor good.<BR>She is talking to me generally much better tonight. I think I can take that as a positive sign. <BR>I will continue to wait and observe.<BR>As far as Plan A and B are concerned, I haven't gotten that far into the book yet. I thought I was working herd at getting the extraordinary measures in place.<BR>Only time will tell now...<P>Side note: Typically when taking Prozac it is supposed to take up to several weeks for any affect to take place. Has anyone ever noticed some changes immediately? Yesterday when I took the medicine, within several hours I became very mellow.<P>------------------<BR>QAEng<BR>"What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder." Matthew 19:6.

Just an update...<BR> My W and I have talked to a great extent in the last day or so. She understands that I need to know her level of committment to our relationship but, she needs time to sort through her feelings and emotions. At the same time we have discovered that I have had a very troubled past most of which I can not or do not wish to remember. She has committed herself to being there for me while I sort through all of that. She has been there these last couple of days while I am beginning to realize memories. <BR> We have lots of history that both of us will need to sort through and resolve. We are beginning to work at it. However, we both realize that we can't continue forever in the direction that we have been going for the last 2 weeks. We have set a dead-line of 1 June to see some positive improvements or we will separate. Positive improvements will include items such as not fighting and yelling at each other about the same thing over and over. <BR> I do believe that she wants this to work as badly as I do. I just wish she was able to put her full heart into doing so. I must wait until she can resolve her feelings about the OM. She says the hardest thing with that is the fact that there have been no negatives there. Negatives within that internet relationship. I pointed out that the single greatest negative is what it has nearly done to us.<BR><P>------------------<BR>QAEng<BR>"What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder." Matthew 19:6.