I don't know what to say or do at this point. I thought I was moving to the RECOVERY board - now I'm wondering of I should go to Plan B. <P>H is still in contact w/OW - stayed gone all last night. He said he had to work late, socialize with his military unit and then get up early to leave with unit for 2 day training. I don't know where he slept or who he was with and he didn't call. He said after he came back (moved out for 4 days)that he was gradually breaking it off with OW and had told her to move on and find someone else. He says he has no emotional ties other than right her at home (wants to grow old with me), but it doesn't seem like his actions match his words. <P>Should I just be patient while he "breaks it off" or tell him to go "cold turkey" or move out again? This feels almost worse than just finding out. <P>Need some advice from people who have "been there, done that" and survived.<P>Thanks<BR>Darlene

Darlene,<P>Thanks for reply on other thread, you are right it is a little bit different being military, there are somethings that we have to deal with that are not by choice, I am stuck in a place that I really don't like, and could have been closer to home, but he accepted a different assignment that brought us here and then within the 1st year and half he wants a D, makes me angry that we could've been home, now it will cost a couple K's to get me and my stuff home if he gets his way, Not going to happen as of right now!!!!<P>I am sorry that your H is so unthoughtful as to not come home last night, I have never had to go through that with H, but with 19 yr old son, and that is hard enough, safety, what is he doing? all those questions. I am sorry that happened to you.<P>Your and my defination of gradual is probably very different then your spouses or mine. I am sorry that OW is able to be so close to your spouse. I am sure that they are being watched, adultery is punishable my court maritial. AsK him if he wants to give up his career? Mine doesn't, but hasn't stopped contact either, she is in another state and hadn't seen her in about 4 years til this past Jan 01, had a TDY there and went to see her and now thinks that he has been in love with her all these years and just didn't know that that was what it was, (She backed out of a promise (engagement) after he came into the AF, don't think she wanted to move, she has lived next door to her parents for the last 20 years, never married)UGH! I do the 20 years with him and move all over and when it is time to retire and have some of the things that weren't available the past 20 years, he wants to dump me and go back to her!! I DON'T THINK SOOOOOOO!!!!! I will not make it easy for him. You don't make it easy either, make him stay and face you and the family everyday. I would like to see a cold turkey kick of OW but understand that she/it is an addication and that takes time. My thought is that I am the one that he is married to and needs to be with, if he is not living in the house that is hard to do.<P>I am going to try the sight mentioned and see if I can put the software on his laptop. With him being TDY soooo much the last number of years it has been easy to keep in touch with her (He uses callings cards regularly, not a cell phone) I will let you know am going to work on it this evening as he is gone playing racqueetball this weekend and willl leave for a week TDY Monday am, so would be a good time. He says that he can say things to her that he has never been able to say to me, that he is more romantic and things with her, and for some perverse reason I would like to see what these things are. Because of the military lifestyle I a have had to be a very strong person and has proably seemed that I didn't need him much, (not true) but I kept some of that to myself as he wasn't home often and didn't need the hassle and I wanted him to spend time with the kids and doing things he enjoyed, not the yard work, car stuff, the little detail kind of things I always took care of those things, felt that it was my job. The OW is a needy person and depends emotionally on him I believe, and he likes that. <P>Darlene I have went on long enough, just got home from work so must take a shower and get off for the day with the kids. I work and overnight shift on the SAT/SUN/MON so am usually on the boards at that time Mid-8 am Eastern time. Will look for you there.<BR>Good Luck, Keep fighting our marriages deserve that from us!!

Daybreak - I'm sorry for your situation - it's even harder when you don't have family around you like us.<P>I'm afraid I just ruined my daughter's day - I explained to her that based on her dad's behavior I may give him an ultimatum again (her and I have talked openly from the start). She wasn't upset about the ultimatum thing just that she didn't want to deal with it right now. I figured she had a right to now ahead of time what I was planning to do so she could be somewhat prepared for the possibility that he may leave again - maybe I'm fooling myself - maybe I really just wanted someone to talk to and was being unfair to her by going to her. She did say that she was prepared the last time he left and she probably will this time also. I teally don't mean to dump on her.<P>I'm really have a hard time keeping my emotions in check - just want to curl up in bed and cry - wake up and find that it was only a nightmare. I'm supposed to be supportive to him, the kids, hold a job, take care of bills we can't pay, keep the house up and God forbid I should want to talk about it or look for a little compassion or understanding. These boards help but can't replace a real human discussion/feedback.<P>I knew this was going be a bad weekend but that doesn't help much - can't shake it - can't stop crying and feeling sorry for myself. <P>I ran out of things to say! <P>Darlene<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by daybreak:<BR><B>Darlene,<P>Thanks for reply on other thread, you are right it is a little bit different being military, there are somethings that we have to deal with that are not by choice, I am stuck in a place that I really don't like, and could have been closer to home, but he accepted a different assignment that brought us here and then within the 1st year and half he wants a D, makes me angry that we could've been home, now it will cost a couple K's to get me and my stuff home if he gets his way, Not going to happen as of right now!!!!<P>I am sorry that your H is so unthoughtful as to not come home last night, I have never had to go through that with H, but with 19 yr old son, and that is hard enough, safety, what is he doing? all those questions. I am sorry that happened to you.<P>Your and my defination of gradual is probably very different then your spouses or mine. I am sorry that OW is able to be so close to your spouse. I am sure that they are being watched, adultery is punishable my court maritial. AsK him if he wants to give up his career? Mine doesn't, but hasn't stopped contact either, she is in another state and hadn't seen her in about 4 years til this past Jan 01, had a TDY there and went to see her and now thinks that he has been in love with her all these years and just didn't know that that was what it was, (She backed out of a promise (engagement) after he came into the AF, don't think she wanted to move, she has lived next door to her parents for the last 20 years, never married)UGH! I do the 20 years with him and move all over and when it is time to retire and have some of the things that weren't available the past 20 years, he wants to dump me and go back to her!! I DON'T THINK SOOOOOOO!!!!! I will not make it easy for him. You don't make it easy either, make him stay and face you and the family everyday. I would like to see a cold turkey kick of OW but understand that she/it is an addication and that takes time. My thought is that I am the one that he is married to and needs to be with, if he is not living in the house that is hard to do.<P>I am going to try the sight mentioned and see if I can put the software on his laptop. With him being TDY soooo much the last number of years it has been easy to keep in touch with her (He uses callings cards regularly, not a cell phone) I will let you know am going to work on it this evening as he is gone playing racqueetball this weekend and willl leave for a week TDY Monday am, so would be a good time. He says that he can say things to her that he has never been able to say to me, that he is more romantic and things with her, and for some perverse reason I would like to see what these things are. Because of the military lifestyle I a have had to be a very strong person and has proably seemed that I didn't need him much, (not true) but I kept some of that to myself as he wasn't home often and didn't need the hassle and I wanted him to spend time with the kids and doing things he enjoyed, not the yard work, car stuff, the little detail kind of things I always took care of those things, felt that it was my job. The OW is a needy person and depends emotionally on him I believe, and he likes that. <P>Darlene I have went on long enough, just got home from work so must take a shower and get off for the day with the kids. I work and overnight shift on the SAT/SUN/MON so am usually on the boards at that time Mid-8 am Eastern time. Will look for you there.<BR>Good Luck, Keep fighting our marriages deserve that from us!!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Hi,<P>I know where you all are coming from. That indecision sends us on that wild ride that never seems to stop. In my case, H has been on that ride since he got in this mess. <P>What helped me was when I resolved to step off the rollercoaster. It took a while to get to that point but I have been there now (off the ride) for almost 2 months. There was some relief of the stress and pressure tied to the ride and I was able to concentrate on things I did have control over and things I could make an impact on. I then concentrated on having a positive impact on H, not control him. That was a biggie for me. <P>Another help was reading Surviving an Affair, taking the Emotional Needs questionnaire and another book called Love Must be Tough by Dr James Dobson. Some posters here gave me what I needed in the way of straight talk. I needed to focus on the pieces of my life that I could make a difference and not concentrate on those I could not. Learning not to waste my time and energy on being angry at H & OW. Yes, they deserved my anger but one they tuned me out for the most part and two I was wasting my time. Other things in my life needed to be put back in it's proper place. Working with my family, my job, my relationship with God, etc. needed to come first. When H was ready we could work with him if we wanted to. <P>L.