Would you tell the spouse if you didn't have to? That's my problem. The A is over, but the feelings are still there. It's a complicated story, like all of them i suppose. my mom died in 97, his gram in 97, our moves, 2 teens, changes abounding in me, the stay at home wife, who wants a life, a career, etc and then...... We have been married almost 18 years, highschool sweethearts. We move every 2 years. After moving into our home in 98, our neighbors turned out to be quite open and active about their marriage, it was very enticing to me, and being vunerable and curious, i plunged right in to deep conversations with them both, we all got along great, but they had rules that i didn't know about, ones that would keep them married, no matter what. i was attracted to both of them. my husband always wanted two women and i thought this was it, but of course, he wasn't willing to share my and recipricate with them. she & i got girlfriend close, we all have 3 kids each, etc. it was a fun, family friendship, until i wanted to cross the line, but, it was with OM i wanted. he & i both were attracted not for physical reasons, but all the ones that people want in their own marraiges, like intimacy, conversation, attention. we thought we were in love. but, i held off a long time. i told him i had values. then, when the H went out of town TDY for 3 months, i fell right into a relationship. Its a long story, with his wife having had an A with the neighbor on my other side, etc. and both H&W having interesting pasts.i had the 3some with them, then when my H came home he&i had a night with her,,,, over the next month, christmastime, it got very scary, with my H angry over my desire to have other relationships, etc. THEN, in Feb, She found out, felt totally betrayed by me, preferred i had asked permission, then he, to keep his wife, wrote me a threat letter to say not to poison their marraige any more or he'd tell my H. WOW... so, fortunately, we moved again that summer.NO communication between any of us, the goodbyes with kids was tense,.... my counselor and prozac have worked wonders for me helping me answer my questions, why i chose that path, and now, am working like crazy to keep and hold the marriage i have, for many reasons, one being i'll always love this man of my youth. what would you do?

The marriage builders principles are based on total honesty and open communications. You need to be open and honest with your husband so you can begin to rebuild your relationship for the better. Your ability to keep secrets from your husband undermines your relationship. How can you both work together and be open with each other while you have not been honest about your relationship and your affair. If the roles were reversed would you not also wish to know the truth. I think that you know that you are being very unfair to your husband. This secret will be like a cancer eating away your relationship and your own self-esteem. The choice is yours.

I would recomend, after counseling with Steve, Jennifer Harly or another suitable Marriage Builder counselor, to tell you husband. I feel it will remove any barriers between you two and would benefit your relationship in the long run. In the short run, it will be hard and painful, that is why I recomend doing it with a counselor.<P>Your husband will be able to help you in withdrawl, if he knows the whole truth.

Hi nonnie,<P>Have you read our <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome</A> yet? If not, please do. It will give you loads of helpful information about this site.<P>The Harley's promote a concept known as Total Honesty -- which means there are NO SECRETS between you and your spouse. They suggest you tell in a SAFE enviornment, which oftimes means with a counselor close by. Have you looked into counseling with the Harley's? Here is their link.<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counsel Link</A><P>While looking through this site, check out these concepts, as well...<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>What Are Plan A and Plan B</A><P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A><P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A><P>Check out posts by Jill and SKM, who are both women who betrayed. I am also a woman who betrayed, and I told my then-H the same day I slept with the OM. I ended up divorced, as sometimes happens even with the best of intentions. You are welcome to read my story also, I just think that you need to stick with those who are recovering right now. <P>By the way, Jill waited for several months to tell her H, and for that reason I think her story might be helpful. Both SKM and Jill have tender, willing hearts and spirits, and their stories will be uplifting and helpful for you.<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck<p>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited April 29, 2001).]

Thanks for the info. I do have a christian counselor who agrees that my H needs to be surrounded by me & a counselor before i actually tell him. he's no where near ready to admit that his participation in the 3some thing was also wrong. is one sin greater than another? even tho i was giving my permission so to speak, its still wrong. well, I am no where near ready to tell him and can only trust god when that time will be. i hate the cancer analogy as he had cancer at 19 and was healed, my sis died from it and my mom just 4 yrs ago, from lung cancer, so although i agree that it can kill, i also know there is healing. i am being healed now, and have been forgiven. i'm not ready to hurt him, even tho i was so angry to do what i did then to hurt him. it was rebellion, and now i know this. my mom was the same example to me, different men, every other weekend. i have alot to sort through. so, guess i'll just move forward and wait. it is over, broken off, altho the feelings may always be there. i pray they go away too. my counselor now is there for me, i have read HIs Needs Her needs and know all the principals. that's why i got on, to ask if its possible to never tell.????? and still recover and be healed and never hurt the spouse? even tho he's a big part of what happened, deep inside i know i have to tell him, the question is when????

i've learned what i need to. you can close the topic. thanks