My child's team played OW's child's team today, so I knew I would be seeing her as well as her husband at the ball field. Her H coaches their child's team so I'll see them often this summer. Her H knows about their affair since I pretty much told her if she didn't tell her h then I probably would tell him soon since I just couldn't handle seeing him so often knowing such a dark secret about his life that he certainly had a right to know. He has known for about a month and has not contacted me. I'm confident that his wife has made herself out to be snow white in the whole affair(a typical OW completely in the fog and, she hardly can believe someone as 'good' as herself could have had an affair). As I was driving out of the park heading home I saw another OW whom I did not expect to see and whose H does not yet know. I didn't think I would have to deal with running into her H and I'm not sure how I'll handle it should that happen. I'm doing OK, depressed of course but I'm a strong person and Christ is the focus of my life. I've done a pretty good job of forgiving those who have hurt me even if they did not ask to be forgiven. I know that what they did was a reflection of the brokeness of their lives and not a reflection upon me. Still it is painful. My H is far away and will be gone for 2.5 months longer. So I have no one to hold me while I sob. Seeing them reinforces the residual anger that I still feel and although I do feel some anger towards the OW, it is primarily directed at my H since I know that if it wasn't these women he would have found someone else. It also hurts to see all these children whose lives could yet be devastated depending on the decisions that their parents make in response to choices made by persons with little or no character. My child goes up and hugs OW's child.... It doesn't bother me to see them hug but it is like there is this other dimension that only a few of us out there are aware of. I'm so incredibly thankful all the families seem to have protected their children from that 'other dimension'. I'm feeling sad, lonely, resentful, hurt and a wealth of other emotions I'm unable to name. I don't believe I've ever done anywhere near this kind of damage to anyone else. I still don't understand completely how people allow self deceit to creep into their thought processes and perpetuate these cycles of betrayal. I also realize that they can't really damage me, but that I can allow damage to myself should I give them any power over me. By power, I'm talking about being overwhelmed with anger, bitterness, hate towards them. I refuse to give in to those harmful emotions, I refuse to return their complete lack of care for me back at them. Most of the time I'm doing about as well as a person possibly could and then sometimes the magnitude of my situation hits me like a brick. As I sit her contemplating 'why - why am I still here?' God is reminding me that the he gives mercy to fatherless children. My H's father abandoned his kids. H's stepdad abused him as well as a grandfather. God can do miracles, my H has turned his life around, he has more monsters to get rid of it but all things are possible through Christ who strengthens us. I won't continue the cycle by breaking my children's hearts, rocking their world. I won't separate my daughter from her father just as she is going through puberty. I won't take my son's role model from him. I will ask myself what would Jesus do before committing a rash act. I will be selfless and not selfish. I will continue to be strong. and it will continue to hurt. Yet I know God has a plan for my life as well as for my family and I will strive to find God where He is working and join Him there.

Dear BDX,<P>You certainly had hard encounters today. You appear to have handled yourself well. You shoudl be proud. <P>I don't have much more to say. You have already given yourself a pep talk your post and a pretty good one at that. And despite all the things your H is having to work on and you are having to deal with, there is progress in your family. I am truly happy for you.<P>Sending <<hugs>> your way.<P>L.<BR>

Broken,<P>During all the chaos and ugliness of the A, I felt very angry and judgmental where my H was concerned. I loved him though and wanted to be the kind of wife God wants me to be. I was instructed by a very wise person to love my H as Jesus loves us. Picture myself stepping aside if I couldnt do it on my own and letting Jesus take over. At first, this sounded very strange to me. I tried it. It was easier to love him and be a kind and loving wife that way.<BR>You can also pray that his heart be softened and that his hurt be healed. He does have a lot of scars.<BR>Take care of yourself and your children first, the rest will come.<P>cleo

<P>((((((BrokenDreamsX))))))<P>I really feel for you...I'm so sorry you're alone going through this. I hope my hug gets through to you, and I'm hoping maybe you'll have a nice phone conversation with your husband.<P>I also think you're handling a terrible situation well. I know exactly what you mean about being OK a lot of the time, and then the reality comes back into your heart, and you just don't know how you'll survive.<P>I'm really inspired by what you wrote about the other women. I am so not there yet. Yesterday I had to drive past the road one of my wife's OM lives on, and I thought "if I see him on the road I'll run him down with my car". At the time I felt real serious about it...Scary<P>I avoid anyplace where I think I might run into one of the OM, and I kind-of fear the day when I do. Maybe I'll have gained some of the wisdom you wrote about by then. I know in my heart that hate is not the answer, but sometimes I'm overwhelmed.<P>Oh well, I feel very bad for what you had to go through, but it does sound as if you are doing what you need to do. <BR>Oh, btw, I really like what you said about the children. As painful as this is, I've been given a new appreciation for my children. I'm going to try to be a better parent - I'm really amazed at you taking your children to their games despite the pain it brings up for you. <P>Take care,<BR>David<P><BR>

Orchid, thanks<BR>Cleopatra, thanks for your suggestion.<BR>Davidb, <BR> I do pray that you will be able to 'get there'. People that betray one another in this way hurt themselves far worse than they could ever hurt us. It may not always feel that way but it is true. Their souls are fractured by their actions. My H did call last night which is very rare(he calls every morning but rarely at night due to time difference). I was able to cry and then we were able to have a pretty good talk. He knew it was going to be a tough day. <BR> How is recovery going for you and your wife? Have you had any thoughts of some way to reach closure with OM? I felt compelled to write letters which I did. A lady in another state refused to accept my letter and had it sent back to me. I allowed that to hurt for awhile. Although I still would like her to hear my words, I have a peace about it. I can say whatever I want but there is little that can change their heart. I plan on sending her a carefully worded postcard! How could she not read that?? The main thing is that now thoughts of letting her know how what she chose to do made me feel don't run my life.<BR> My H suggested we not put our kids in ball out of worry for me and not wanting me to be in that situation. How could I miss the look on their face when they hit the ball all the way to the outfield, or miss them running over homeplate? My H is finally realizing that he can trust me, I'm his best friend, someone he can confide all his thoughts in, his accountability partner...<BR> He often has sexual dreams and sometimes they are about us and are good, sometimes he is confused by them and they are not about 'us'... Last night he had a good dream about us. He dreamt about our first night together after this separation. After the sex, he dreamt we were in a huge warehouse that had no walls and we were climbing up a small mountain of frito bags!!!

You must be a very kind & gracious lady, to be able withstand running into the OW. Your H is truly blessed, my he be thankful for what he has & almost lost.

((((((((((((broken)))))))))))<BR>hi broken,<BR>Stay strong sweetie, you are going to be just fine. You really are. You have it right in your head, just have a few moments of sadness, tearfulness. Nothing wrong with that-reach over and pat yourself on the back for making it thru a rough weekend. <BR>Whew, i feel for you. I had to go to a wedding of one of OWs nephews. It was terrible. No way to get out of the wedding-we are good friends with the family, but i really expected the aunt (OW) not to show. She did. Grrrrr, I was civil in public, but gave her something to think abt when i had the opportunity and no one could hear. I asked her if she had been tested for venereal diseases since my h has them. Smiled, and walked away. She started muttering, and i kept walking. <BR>Yeah, it sounds vicious and petty now, and wish i had not done that to her. But it did give me some closure. Much like your letters. <BR>Thereare days we wonder if what we are doing is right. But we know we can do it. we know we are strong.<BR>(((((((hugs)))))<BR>aloha cl<BR>