WH keeps asking older 17 yr old son for stuff like the soft top for his Jeep (So he can act like a teenager himself) but never has a conversation that lets my son know his dad cares and wants to make things better, he always asks for him to get him things from the house. It tears my son up and now today, due to the request from WH, son refuses to go to church and is mad at me. This poor son is suffering so bad as his grades are terrible and he is never home and I know he hates to be in the middle. I have told him to tell his dad to contact me if he wants anything, but he doesn't want to be confrontational with his dad. It is a real mess, how should I handle this, help me with some responses ASAP! Thanks

SEF - I think you need to somehow communicate to your H that it is so harmful for your son to be in the middle. Tell him that requests for things he wants from your home MUST come through you. There is no compromise.<P>Love your son and be the stable influence right now. You must protect him and sacrifice your own emotions to do it. Show him what a good parent should be. He is old enough to understand.<P>I know this is probably not specific enough. Just know we are here and know that you can find the strength you need.<P>WAT

Whatever you do, please, PLEASE, do not put your child in the middle! Do not have your child convey ANY messages for you to his father--especially confrontational or negative messages. Children are so vulernable. Do not speak poorly of your H or tell the child what his father is or is not doing for him. More than anything, it is important for the child to feel that both parents love him, especially while the family is in turmoil. Although you must be hurting terribly right now, try not to have your child see your side. If you have taught him right from wrong, he will draw appropriate conclusions. Reinforce in him that both parents love him, although they may show it in different ways. Being a loving parent throughout one of the most difficult parts of life is so very difficult, but the dividends it pays in the long run, and in your child's well being are well worth it.

I would email him myself, some of contact that is not direct contact and inform him that your son does not need to the be courier for the stuff he left behind, if he wants something ask him to contact you direct and you will make arrangements.<P>Or else on the original email say something like:<P>to avoid using boy as a messanger and/or courier please inform now by replying to email what items you still require from our house, if requests are resonalbe I will have them sent COD to your residence. <P>Have a nice day, love you and miss you.<P>You have to do what works for you but H probably doesnt realize that these requests are hard on children.<P>Good luck

Are you in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>?<P>If so I have some ideas but need to get to work so I'll have to post them later....<P>Bill

WilliamJ, Yes we have been in Plan B for 2 1/1 months now, I have only talked and seen him personally 1 time since he left. He rarely sees or talks to the kids either, maybe 1 time per week. When he does, he asks older son for stuff from our house, no real quality time with them. They seem to not have much in common, the selfishness is still there. He has supposedly broke off the Affair, as she has moved 2 hours away. I Emailed him today and ask him to not put sons in middle, as giving his stuff to him made it seem so final and older son is having a HORRIBLE time in school and dealing with this anyway. I also told him that numerous problems had arose at home and he could come home and help work on those and we would help him work on his, as we are a familyl and noone else can understand or help. But the response I got was only that he wanted his Top for his Jeep and his other clothes. It so hard to imagine that WH cares more about himself than his kids. I get the feeling that he doesn't want to work on fixing this marriage and probably had the affair as an EXIT one. It is so hard to know what to do.