Last night didn’t go to well. My W is out of town at her sisters for 2.5 weeks. I am back at home watching the kids while she is gone. At one point yesterday, I saw that our oldest son was logged onto her account. I asked him why he was on his mom’s account. He said that his mom had given him her password on the phone earlier, but he was not supposed to let me know it. The next time I talked to my W, I asked her what was so secret that our son couldn’t give me her password. She got all defensive and said that everyone knows that she is in communication with OM, but that she did want me calling and getting a copy of her phone logs since it is the same password as her cell phone account. I told her that I knew how often she called OM and that I knew about him (OM) being in town a couple of weeks ago, and the name of his hotel. She got furious demanding to know what information I have to make these accusations. I told her that it doesn’t matter because all I care about is us getting back together. She blew up telling me that she must know. I asked her why it makes a difference if I am “wrong” as she says. She told me that this was not endearing me to her and she wanted the name of my attorney so that her attorney could give mine the paperwork. She then hung up on me saying that she was no longer going to talk to me ever again. About an hour later, I had two hang ups on my cell phone from her. Then another hour passed and she called again. Again she demanded that I tell her what information I think I have. I told her that I was not going to tell her. She called me a p*ss, saying that I was afraid to tell her anything. I said that I was sorry, but that was how I felt. Again I told her that I love her and that I want this to work out. She then hung up on me and I haven’t heard from her since.<P>I know telling her what I know was not Plan A-ing, but I did not lose my cool the entire time she was demanding the information and yelling at me. Any suggestions on what to do now? I am not very strong with this whole thing. My emotions are absolutely awful. I realize my W has an addiction and that this is not my fault, although she did blame everything on me last night. (My response was “If that is what you need to believe to make yourself feel better, then so be it. I know in my heart that I am not a monster”) I still feel awful about everything.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by sadandconfused (edited April 29, 2001).]

You did an excellent job. I've been through the same thing, as have many of us. What transpired is completely normal, so know that you are not alone and that this is standard. Of course she'll deny it, but she'll also want to know how you know, because she is hoping that you really don't know, and won't admit it unless you produce hard evidence.<P>Just leave it be is my advice. This business of all of a sudden wanting the name of your attorney is quite standard too. I've been asked the same, and didn't produce a name. Never gotten anything.<P>She'll be angry for awhile, but will get over it. Keep your cool, and a good answer for many things is that you are sorry she feels that way, but that you love her and are committed to your marriage...bla bla bla. You've essentially said that, so you have navigated the rough waters very well, I'd say.<P>Hang in there. There are lots of rough days, but you are doing the right stuff, in my opinion.

ditto Rick - always keep your cool and act as if you have the upper hand - in many ways you do. You have us and the growing knowledge on the psychology of affairs. Knowledge is power, power is confidence. Always think twice before acting. You have the rational mind - take advantage of it.<P>WAT

So why do I feel so terrible.

Simply put, because you're normal. You're frustrated and hurt because your rational mind cannot make sense of information coming from a mind that has been scrambled by aliens. We're trying to encourage you to find the strength to endure what will likely be the most challenging time of your life. You do not deserve to feel terrible, but it has been thrust upon you. You will find comfort on this forum, but you also have to rise above feeling like a victim. You can remain a victim, or become a hero. Give it time and it will get easier. I promise.

WAT,<P>How do you become a hero. I do nice things for people all the time and I feel like a hero, but it doesn't help when I think about my W and that she is going to file for divorce and get my kids and let OM raise them. I can't get those thoughts out of my mind. How can I become the hero again in her eyes when she can't see through the fog. I know right now OM is serving the Hero role in her eyes.

S&C - I know you hurt very badly right now. Don't take anything I say as suggesting your pain is not validated. By the hero role, I mean applying the MB principles to work on yourself and demonstrate that you are the best father for your kids so that when the fog lifts, you're the obvious choice. It's also intended to be motivational to get you out of the victim mindset. Of course you're a victim, but none of us will get anywhere playing that role.<P>Doesn't your state have a mandatory divorce waiting period when minor children are involved?<P>WAT

WAT<P>I believe Texas has a 60 day cooling off period. Which doesn't do me any good if she doesn't come out of the fog by then.<P>And by the way, I didn't take anything you said as not validating my pain. I truly appreciate your posts.<P>S&C