I've about had it, folks. I have been lied to so much in the last 13 months, I can hardly believe it. Every time I think things are heading back on track, I find some reason to doubt my H, and then in turn find out about something he lied about. Sometimes I wonder if I have "idiot" stamped on my forehead!<P>I looked through H's bag and saw the hotel bill while he was in Boston (before I arrived for the weekend). He called the OW quite a few times---one call was $40. Guess that explains why he was always in a hurry when he was talking to me. He outright lied to my face when I confronted him on it. Says he didn't call her. Let me guess---the hotel screwed up on their bill, right?? Of course, I can't really tell him how I know---that would be an enormous LB! <P>Another thing I found in his bag---a silver key chain with some Shakespeare saying inscribed on it---I can't remember exactly how it went, but something about "true love being discreet". Well, I guess that sums it up, but he's not being discreet as he thinks he is.<P>He claims that he has no feelings for her---then why the hell does he continue to be in contact with her? Then, when I bring anything up about "us", I am nagging, *****ing, and being a wench. Says he can't stand being around me, that he lied when he says that he loved me, etc. etc. What is the truth?? How do I know what he really means and what's just total bullsh**?<P>Sorry for the ramble, I'm just not sure how much longer I can put up with this. He's very close to landing a new job which he says will sever the relationship for good, but I don't know if I can hold on for another month.....

hurting, I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. I've been lied to myself. H came home for 6 weeks after living with OW for 4 months. Promised no contact, even wrote letter, but has been in contact and left yesterday to be with her again. Since contact began, he's been treating me like your H treats you, very defensive when I bring anything up and turning around and blaming and attacking me. I think they react out of guilt even though they don't seem to recognize it, and may never. It's so hard to just continue on not knowing where this will take us.

hurting,<P>I have been where you are now but lucky for me (or maybe lucky for my H since I doubt I would have waited 13 months for him to end contact) I wasn't there quite as long.<P>I remeber a time when he was saying things like:<P>"why can't you get over it" - how can I get over something that isn't over?<P>"why don't you trust me" - how can I trust somebody who is always proving themselves untrustworthy in this situation?<P>"I have been nothing but honest with you about everything"<P>"She really doesn't mean that much to me - I can take or leave her friendship" - so why not leave the "friendship" for my sake?<P>Things would seem like they may be getting OK on the surface there were times when things started feeling "normal" again but I just felt something was still up - and then I would find a secret email addy or hear him IMing somebody and it would be HER.<P>Your H is still in such a fog that he can't see straight, or think straight. <BR>Only you can be the judge of how much longer you can hold on or how much more lies you can take before your love is gone - I was close to my breaking point when my H finally realized all he stood to lose if he continued the path he was taking.<BR>Hopefully yours will realize it soon too.<P>BTW you are not an idoit, you are just in a horrible position and unfortunately your good nature is being taken advantage of.<P>Anyway, Just wanted to offer my support and encouragement. <BR>And just remeber only you can decide what will be the best move for you and what timing is right.<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole <p>[This message has been edited by Patient Love (edited April 29, 2001).]

Oh J, you don't deserve this, but at least he's waffling. I get total rejection. You are strong, please try to wait for the job thing. If he's angry at you anyway, maybe it wouldn't hurt to lay some of your evidence on him. It's not over, so please don't end it yourself. Vent to us and we'll do our best to prop you up.<P>Dave

Sorry to here you're back in the land on lies again. I don't know why they are incapable of telling the truth. We say it's their fog but are we just allowing them the escape and excuses for their inexcusable behavior? I don't have answers. I wish I did. Try to hold on until the job change. I think it may make a world of difference. I wish H would change jobs, then maybe I could see a light at the end of this terribly long tunnel. Maybe you should get a key chain made with the verse from Corinthians-- and put in bold print"Love endures all things"and give it to H. Call if you want to talk or get out today. You'll be in my prayers and thoughts.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. And I'm sorry I haven't called or e-mailed - life has been a blur up here! <P>I cannot believe he called her while he was in Boston! I apologize for being such a cynic, but that right there should tell you something. He had <B>no</B> reason to call her while he was there. None. What's to stop him from keeping contact even when he starts this new job? You've Plan A'ed for 13 months. Apparently, that isn't working. It's probably time to Plan B. And the longer you wait to do it, the harder it's going to be.<P>You know how I love quotes - well, here's one that opened my eyes a LOT over the weekend...from a book where a woman's H had been unfaithful:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR><B>"...the best I've come up with is that even when I first met Daniel, uncertainty and, well, <I>fear</I>, I guess, was a part of what I felt for him. I loved him, but I was always afraid--afraid he was going to leave me, afraid I wouldn't live up to his expectations. You name it, I was afraid of it. Then later, when I found out he'd been unfaithful so many times...It became a different kind of fear. Fear he was cheating on me again, fear that it was right there under my nose but I didn't see it, fear that the entire rest of the world knew but wasn't telling me. Fear that it was somehow my fault. That I wasn't good enough for him..."</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Sound familiar? Take a step back and analyze your situation. My opinion is - as hard as it would be for you to leave him, and as scared as you'll understandably be...it's a far better fate than the fear and disappointment you experience repeatedly by turning the other cheek. Love shouldn't be about being afraid. Give me a call at work if you need to (all of the bosses are gone today, and I'm slow.<P><p>[This message has been edited by Carolina Belle (edited April 30, 2001).]

Thanks so much everyone for the replies. I just get so tired of it sometimes that I'm tempted to pack up my kids and just leave. Let him figure out what the hell to do with the house and all of our stuff. Sometimes it's just not worth the trouble anymore. Probably a big LB, but last night I told him that his nose has grown so much over the last 13 months, that it's sucked all of his brains out.<P>LetStry--yes, it is so difficult not knowing from day to day whether or not he'll change his mind. Funny how they have the power to destroy so many lives.....<P>Nicole---thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I needed them a lot last night. Why can't they just see what they're doing and how they are destroying everything that we've worked so hard for the last 10 years for? I can't even fathom what goes through their minds....<P>Dave---I need more proping, I seem to be leaning to the east about now....sometimes I think rejection would be easier (easy for me to say, I know), then I wouldn't be so torn between loving him and hating him. Thanks for all of your support....<P>Aries---thanks for the chat this morning, I really needed it. We'll both make it through this, somehow!!!

We were posting at the same time, CB. Thanks for your reply---it was what I needed to hear. I don't know about Plan B yet, I just truly believe that if he leaves, he'll never be back. Once I'm ready to go to Plan B, then I'll be ready for that, too.<P>He insists he has no feelings for her, but that she fills a "void" and that's why he talks to her. Crazy, I know....<P>How are things with you? I need to talk to you soon---you keep me grounded. I don't know if I'll have a chance this afternoon to give you a call. It's my "kid swap" day with my girlfriend, so I'll be running around doing errands this afternoon. Maybe on the way from one mall to the other

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hurtinginil:<BR><B>I just truly believe that if he leaves, he'll never be back.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hon, if he were really that good at cutting ties, you wouldn't be in the situation that you're in now.<P>It's what it took with me...I got the same BS you're getting. I remember him telling me that he didn't need me, that he had someone who accepted him, blah, blah, blah. It scared me too, because I didn't want to alienate him...but then he gave me the guilt trip thing (again), and I was like, "Fine buddy - Have your sh*t out by Friday." I know for a fact that he never thought I would actually leave him, and it took me calling his bluff to open his eyes. With me forgiving, or Plan-Aing, I guess it was, he was able to have his cake and eat it too. Yes, it gave him fond memories of me, but it was an invitation to hedge - neither one of us forced him to a decision. But when we separated, he realized what he had to lose. It didn't take long for the bar life and the OW to lose it's appeal, and things were better after that.<P>If you want to talk later, that's fine. My T is quitting the NAC job - today's his last day, but it's still okay to call me at home whenever you need to talk.<P>A<P>

Plan A is not very easy when someone is in the affair. Of course it hurts & you feel like crap. But “payback” is not what a marriage is about. Marriage is “doing the right thing” and not whether or not you want to.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>He outright lied to my face when I confronted him on it<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>So don’t confront him. You know he’ll lie.<P>Just as a note;<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I just get so tired of it sometimes that I'm tempted to pack up my kids and just leave. Let him figure out what the hell to do with the house and all of our stuff. Sometimes it's just not worth the trouble anymore. Probably a big LB<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>??? If you were to do this, why would you be worried if it’s a lovebuster or not?<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Dear Hurting,<P>You have plan A for your H. Now you sound like you need to plan B for yourself. Allowing the hurt to damage your spirit is not healthy. Your H's waffling will continue until he is ready to stop it. Sometimes you can influence it and other times you can not. <P>What you can do is protect your feelings. Concentrate on his actions if his words change too much. I had to do that with H and still do. After plan B, I went to tough love. I feel it is part of plan B and for me a necessary step. However, how and when that is executed is difficult to tell. The timing and attitude must be right/receptive.<P>Take care,<BR>L.