Sometimes it's so hard to interpret what the WS's actions and words really mean.<P>My W (WS) has been out of the house for six weeks.<P>She claims (and I tend to believe her) no contact for the past four weeks. Last week she came to our house and cried, saying she felt like a stranger in her own home.<P>Same scene yesterday. I was running errands and came home to find her at the house and crying...again, she says she feels awful when she comes to our house. She does come to the house, though, but I have told her I don't want her to come to make me feel better but if she wants to see me she is welcome. <P>She has admitted to feeling a lot of guilt. But she has never asked to be forgiven for A, just says she is sorry for causing me so much pain.<P>She does say she loves me but can't commit to marriage 100% and won't come home until she can.<P>She says she has all these issues (feelings for OM) to deal with before she can commit. Says she needs to understand the feelings, deal with them and move ahead. <P>She said yesterday that she just wishes everything could be back to normal, but realizes it can't until she gets past whatever feelings she has. She also said that she and her counselor agree that if she gets to that point (commitment) that we can save our marriage (I am committed to that for now but it's hard when it seems like th BS is doing all the work.) <P>Anyway--- I'm not sure what all of this means exactly...<P>Anyone have any thoughts... <P>

It means she's thinking, if the tears and words are sincere. This is a perfect opportunity for you to Plan A your butt off. Demonstrate your improvements and offer love and support. Be a safe harbor for her. Don't pressure her to move faster as you get impatient. You must realize that this means you have to continue to give for quite a while before you get anything in return.<P>I wish I was in your shoes.<P>WAT

Elad,<P>Ok here's the deal. She is in withdrawal. If you read Surviving an Affair by Harley, or the articles here on withdrawal, it is very much like giving up an addiction. It is here that you do yourself and your W the most good, but it will be painful.<P>Go out with your W, talk with her about what she is feeling. But do this is a non-judgmental fashion. If you will listen to her, feelings, her missing the OM, missing what they shared, and talking about where you two, meaning you messed up, her withdrawal will fade much faster.<P>It is this period where the BS can do the most to help her out. She feels guilty, she misses what she has lost with OM, and she misses and fears what she has done to you and the marriage. So her is where you suck it up, and let her open up. But it seems from what you said, she is indeed trying to leave OM, and she will need help. You, my man, can be the help. From all that have done it, it is tough, but you will become her friend, someone she trusts to talk with, and more than anything you will need that to rebuild your marriage.<P>Go for it Elad. Help her, by listening, don't judge, don't argue, just listen as she gets the poison out of her system.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Elad - JL said it better than me. Let me add the three most important things you can do - validate her feelings, validate her feelings, and validate her feelings.<P>WAT

Uh--what feelings do I validate?<P>Her feelings for OM? Her sadness? Her guilt?<P><P>------------------<BR>

Elad,<P>Yes to all questions. Tough, but the most successful Plan A'ers have done this. It seems as the WS talks about what they felt for OP, the attraction and hold diminishes. As they talk about their guilt, they come to see you and what you have endured.<P>Listening to them, and not judging is the key.<P>Quite frankly, I would really be teed off if my W had an affair put me through he??, and then said "nevermind", I didn't mean it. If I am going through all of this mess and pain, they darn well ought to have felt something special or what the heck??? I know I am perverse here, but Elad, what she will tell you is going to hurt, but you already know it, and perhaps suspect worse.<P>So the answer is yes, you listen to it all. Let them talk to you, hold your hurt, hold your anger, and they will gradually open their heart to you. It is tough but many have done it. Post to Kathi (Kam???) I cannot remember the number she uses but she is everywhere around here. She did it with her H, and it brought him back.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

ditto everyone else. Also, one thing Steve Harley suggests sometimes is him talking to the WS. That only seems likely in certain cases, and yours seems to me like a candidate, since your wife seems to be experiencing withdrawal style symptoms. Has she read any of SAA?<P>I'd suggest talking to Steve, if you haven't recently, or perhaps see if she is willing to. Sounds like she is very confused about the meaning of her feelings with OM, so maybe this would help.