A couple of weeks ago I came home to find my wife of sixteen years and children were gone. In the process of searching for them a close friend informend me, my wife had numerous affairs in the past 10 years. Upon investigation and confronting my wife with the information I had obtained, she admitted to five affairs.<P>I forgave her for the affairs before she ever admitted they took place. We have discovered Marriage Builders and are attempting to rebuild or lives.<P>Even though I have read the articles of Dr. Harleys I do not know where to start the healing process or how to handle the situation. Two of her expartners were coworkers from a previous job. She will likely never see them again. One partner is a customer of the company she works for. My wife informed me that she ended that relationship four days ago after it had lasted three and one half years. One partner is a boss of hers who is very important to her career. He and his wife have been good social friend with us for the past two years. The affair that I have the most problem dealing with, was with a relative. We see this person a couple time a year at family functions.<P>How do I deal with her old flames. How do I know they are over. How can I trust her. How can I heal myself.<P>

Boy oh boy, you have a ROUGH situation to overcome, but yes, it can (and has) been done!<P>First, Welcome to Marriage Builders! I would like to share a post of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome</A> with you. Just click on the link and read... and read... and click on the links included in it, and read some more! Get very acquainted with the concepts.<P>I would also suggest you check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counsel Link</A> and call the Harley's. <P>About your post:<P>You and your W are on the right track by deciding to work it out, and by using the MB principles. <P>That said, it is going to be VERY HARD ON YOU for awhile. My ex-H had five affairs in a 20 year marriage and it was very, very painful. I had an affair myself in year 19, and it was the biggest mistake of my life. Sometimes, despite all our efforts, the pain and anger cannot be overcome.<P>It will take years for you to TRULY TRUST your W again. <P>The first rule is NO CONTACT with the OP. That will be darned near impossible with one of the OP's being a family member. Is that family member married? Does his spouse know? I would make sure she does, and work together, using a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>POJA</A> (read about it here if you don't know what it is)... something must be done to avoid contact with the OP. If it means she has to quit her job to avoid another OP, then so be it. One of the biggest mistakes I made (aside from having an affair in the first place) was staying at my employer -- the OP worked with me. I only slept with him once and the devistation was horrid for my then-H and for ME TOO... <P>I could give you a whole bunch of other links and things, but I think I'll let you digest this first...<P>You have come to the right place...<P>...and again, WELCOME. <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck

There are a many of us on the board married to serial cheaters. We can offer you hope and advice. Be careful not to forgive to easily. If you don't face the past it will rear its ugly head in the future. Please read the following links and let us know how you are doing. You and your family will be in my prayers.<P><BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/008160.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/008160.html</A> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/008601.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/008601.html</A> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000556.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000556.html</A> scroll down for books on sexual addiction....<BR> <A HREF="http://www.sexhelp.com" TARGET=_blank>http://www.sexhelp.com</A> <A HREF="http://www.sexaddict.com" TARGET=_blank>http://www.sexaddict.com</A>

[QUOTEAbout your post:<P>You and your W are on the right track by deciding to work it out, and by using the MB principles. <P>That said, it is going to be VERY HARD ON YOU for awhile. My ex-H had five affairs in a 20 year marriage and it was very, very painful. I had an affair myself in year 19, and it was the biggest mistake of my life. Sometimes, despite all our efforts, the pain and anger cannot be overcome.<P>It will take years for you to TRULY TRUST your W again. <P>The first rule is NO CONTACT with the OP. That will be darned near impossible with one of the OP's being a family member. Is that family member married? Does his spouse know? I would make sure she does, and work together, using a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>POJA</A> (read about it here if you don't know what it is)... something must be done to avoid contact with the OP. If it means she has to quit her job to avoid another OP, then so be it. One of the biggest mistakes I made (aside from having an affair in the first place) was staying at my employer -- the OP worked with me. I only slept with him once and the devistation was horrid for my then-H and for ME TOO... <P>I could give you a whole bunch of other links and things, but I think I'll let you digest this first...<P>You have come to the right place...<P>...and again, WELCOME. <P>[/B][/QUOTE]<P>My W relative has been married to his new wife for one year. The affair took place prior to them getting married.<BR>I do not think that it would be in the best intrest of the family to announce this revelation. I do plan on talking with him face to face without violence or anger. The affair with my W boss is in the same position, he has since remarried and I do not want to hurt his new family. I will also talk with him when the time is right.<P>If I did not have a clue that my W was having an affair how can I khow if she has ended them is there anything I can do.

RoMc2,<P>You asked how you can be sure the affairs are over. You cannot. But I would recommend that in addition to the information here, that you two seek out counseling. Your W's behavior is not the common affair where the wayward spouse, WS, is disillusioned with the marriage. It sounds as if in fact several of these affair were going concurrently.<P>In another words she has problems. I would also suggest that you post to PlainJane and read her posts as well as her husbands Davidb. PJ ended up going to a clinic of sexual addiction of overcome her issues.<P>You haven't said, how your W is doing, or what she is doing. Is she back in the house? Is she remoresful for what she has done? Does she want the marriage to work? These will be important pieces of information in your recovery and the advice you receive here.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

My W and I are still seperated. She and the children are doing great. We share a solid commitment to work out our problems. There are only a couple of minor stumbeling block our way other than these A's. I need to fill her emotional needs so that she will not have the desire to go outside our home, she has been a great wife.<P>She has been extremely remorseful about her A's and worries this will ultimately be the reason we do not get back together. The A's were spread out over a 9 year period. Two of them happened at the same time, about two years ago.<BR>She may have some problems but a serial sex is not one.<BR>I am the problem.<P><BR>We would enter a policy of joint agreement on the A's, if we come up with a plan both of us could live with. Her plan includes she will not see or talk with her last A any more, She must talk with the relative for obvious reasons and her boss because he is so important to her future. I contend that her plan is acceptable to a point, major restrictions must be placed on her at work and with her boss. My W must allow me to meet with each of them in a cival manor and convey my level of disgust for their actions. Thus battle lines have been drawn.<P>We can work out the rest of the problems if we can deal with the affairs.