OK, folks, here's your last chance to talk me out of contacting the OM's W and spilling the beans about her dear hubby's continuing escapades with my W.<P>For background, I'm now in Plan B, and have no hopes for or interest in saving my marriage. I'm moving on with my life, getting used to the separated lifestyle, and actually getting to enjoy it quite a bit.<P>However, I just found out that my W has admitted to someone that she is still very much involved with the OM (which I knew), and that he is "making plans to leave his family". And when I heard that phrase, I almost threw up. I imagined the OM's W getting the "I love you but am not in love with you" speech. I imagined her confusion, the same confusion I felt when I got the speech. I thought of their two teenage kids. Finally, what broke the camel's back was the thought that the f*cker could well be syphoning their substantial savings into his private account, to get a better divorce settlement.<P>I simply cannot see how I can sleep with myself while I have this knowledge, without letting the poor woman know what is going on. I don't know what her reaction will be; for all I know, she already knows. Obviously, this can come back to haunt me in ways I haven't even thought of yet. But doesn't she deserve to know? I know I would have appreciated this kind of information!<P>Thoughts?<P>AGG<p>[This message has been edited by AGoodGuy (edited April 30, 2001).]

I would tell her... and I probably answered you before and said the same thing! <P>And, by the way, I bet she already DOES know... we women are pretty astute at figuring these kinds of things out!<P>I won't talk you out of it... but I will say to be VERY GENTLE and CAREFUL of how, when, and where you tell her.<P>Finally, I had the H of my ex-H's OW #1 approach me... best thing in the world. Yeah, embarrassing, but as I said, I KNEW SOMETHING was going on...<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck

Dude, it's a hard call...<P>are you ready to commit what many here term 'the ultimate' love buster?....<P>can it be done anonymously??<P>I still have no contact with the 'friend' who kept my H's secret...he knew, and I have probs with that...strangely, it was easier for me to try to forgive H than it was for me to still call this buddy a 'friend'....<P>it is also difficult to know what is truth or not..an affair is always sooo full of lies ....right now, what you have is an unsubstantiated rumour that you have heard....<P>again, I counsel caution, and waiting for someone with a better repy than mine...LOL<P>perhaps as I said, if their is a 'kind' gentle way to do this anonymously........<P>I find myself to be one of the few who cannot stand the thought that perhaps the other spouses know nothing..I have always believed they deserved to know, since no one had the guts or respect for me to tell me....and I would WNAT TO KNOW.<P>my 2 cents.....<P><BR>Dylan<P>------------------<BR>"The journey into darkness has been long and cruel, and you have gone deep into it."<BR>~ A Course in Miracles

AGG,<P>I say go for it. But as Sheryl said, do it as gently as possible. It seems to me the she deserves the heads up and the OM is using her. I would also that if you could do it anonomously (sp?) do so. However, if you are really already out of your marriage emotionally, then do this for this woman. Maybe she can save hers.<P>Just realize that it will very likely end all hope for yours. But one never knows.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

AGG, I will echo Dylan. Please be careful. If you truly believe that your marriage cannot be saved at this point, then maybe it's time that the OM's W be let in on what's going on, so that she can prepare for what may happen to her marriage. Introduce her to MB, so that we can all help her through her the heartache and pain that she is going to be enduring..... <P>Best of luck....

Yep... go for it...<BR>...and yes... gently!<P> <P>Jim

I say go for it - BUT, only if you also derive some satisfaction from it.<P>WAT

Nope, no talking-out-of-it here. I think I would do it if I were in your shoes. <P>Kathi

Please tell her, she has the right to know. She had the right to know even were you to remain in your marriage. We cannot protect the ones we love from the consequences of their actions.

I still wish the people who knew of my husband's affair had cared enough to take the risk of telling me about it. The excuses for not doing it don't hold water.<P>I agree with the others. It sounds like you have thought it through and aren't doing it out of malice. You also seem to understand that the consequences of this could be very severe and are willing to take them.<P>Be kind and caring. Let her know you wish you didn't have to do this, but that you can't stand by and let her be blindsided. Prepare as much as you can for the fact that she may lash out at you and don't take it too personally if she does.<P>And a word of caution. Even though you are separated and believe your marriage to be headed for divorce....you are still married. Conduct yourself in the way your wife should be....with morals and class.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

I'll echo others, and say do it. Good luck.

When I asked this question of Jennifer Harley she said in plan A I should not contact the OW spouse, but it could be part of plan B, to not just tell him, but to offer him hope for his marriage as well, she suggested asking if I could send him the Surviving and affair book.<P>Actually she suggested I not do it myself, but have a friend do it for me.<P>Good luck,<BR>Lora

Hi Agg,<P>I don't think we can talk you out of it. You sound determined and I understand. Me too. Yet I would caution that you temper this with tact. A woman whose H is out there is sensitive and hurt. You can understand from the other side of the issue. Take either a mutual friend or someone of her gender. I prepared to take my BIL. Made arrangements and it still is a standing invitation for me to use. Hm.... <P>I would have appreciated someone telling me. I would have been willing to take it any which way presented. But with tact is much nicer (if you can even call this a nice meeting). It is better than being left out in the dark. In fact that is how I would approach it. Especially if you don't really know OM's W. <P>I would respect you if you came and told me. <P>Take Care & be careful,<BR>L.

Thank you all for the quick responses. Wow, I believe this is the first time I've ever seen a unanimous position here .<P>I should add a couple of things. First, I have a scheme to make the initial contact anonymous, which will then lead the OM's W to me, and I will then proceed to share my knowledge. A "reluctant" participant, if you will. Of course I will always be under suspicion for being the instigator, but at least I'll have some sort of a fig leaf .<P>To echo HGBrawner's thought, I am not doing this out of malice or revenge. Those would have been my motives in the past. However, I am now at peace with the end of my marriage, and this action would in no way be designed to bring my W back or to punish the idiots. <P>What is different this time is the phrase that the OM is making PLANS to leave his family, which I translated into "scheming", while his poor wife is probably beside herself trying to figure out what's wrong. Not to mention the possibility that he might be taking steps to feather his nest.<P>To me, this situation is similar to the hypothetical scenario where I knew that someone was molesting their child. I could argue that it's not my business, but I couldn't sleep at night if I didn't tell the proper authorities. Same here, IMO.<P>Also, I did bring this up with Steve Harley, and he too suggested that the OM's W should know the truth.<P>As far as "tact", I plan on being very tactful and sensitive. Shoot, I know exactly how she will feel, and I have nothing but sympathy for her, so why should I be anything other than caring and tactful? Unless she starts yelling at me, of course, which I suppose is always a possibility (after all, I did know about this for over 7 months). My excuse will be that I kept my silence because I was trying to save my marriage, but I no longer feel obligated to cover for my W.<P>So, anyone care to house me for a couple of weeks, in case the OM goes nonlinear and goes looking through his gun cabinet...???? <P>AGG<p>[This message has been edited by AGoodGuy (edited April 30, 2001).]

I'm late as usual and I agree with the others...gently, but definitely tell her. She deserves to know.<P>Lori

AGG-I am with the rest.<P>Nothing hurts worse than being made a fool of by the one you love the most. The longer you are a fool the more it hurts. Therefore-do the gal a favor and get her out of the dark (if indeed she is still unaware).<P>Best wishes-wish you had known what my H was up to for 2 years <P>Can you please keep us psoted on this? I want to know how it goes.<P>Best wishes to you and her.............

I am with the others, here. I have never been able to completely forgive those who knew of my husband's affair and kept it from me. If they were concerned about my friendship, they have lost it for certain by not telling...<P>But then, the prevailing attitude "out there" seems to be "what you don't know won't hurt you" when IN FACT that is so far from the truth ...<P>Just be prepared that she may not even believe you.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Hmmmmm.... I have told my wife if she ever calls the ow, much less husband, I am through. My motivation is protection of the ow, this is my/our problem, and my wife needs to deal with me, no one seduced me, I freely chose. Is not her place to meddle in someone elses life. I am of the mind that marital secrets are between husband and wife, no one elses business. If the ow wants to tell her husband, is her choice, I have told her (ow) do what she must, and not spare me in any way (husband is on record as saying he would shoot anyone she had an affair with, oh well), but is up to her. OTOH I can appreciate a certain civic component to knowledge of an affair, a sort of peer pressure thingy, and one of the risks of having an affair. I guess the consequences of an affair can be so severe, that exposure is justified in the interest of common decency. I can live with that. I would sure want to know. For the record, I do have secrets from my wife (she feels it, but I refuse to discuss it, and will leave if pushed), I feel my right to privacy transcends all other rights, including marital rights. However, if I reconcille with her, I will tell her all, right now I am in the divorce mode, so don't feel she needs to know. I accepted without any discussion when I crossed the line with the ow, that someone may find out and tell, including her family. It is unrealistic to think otherwise. Affairs are a strange animal, as a ws I can say my primary motivartion for secrecy was simply not to be meddled with till I understood myself what I wanted (duh, I guess). But also, self-serving as it may sound, it was also to spare my wife this grief. Just do the right thing, and either quit the affair, or get divorced. I understand this is not fair to her, she has a right to know for her psychological well-being. So I guess I am conflicted, and may very well simply be motivated by not wanting to face the music. But one thing I have not, and will not do, is blame her for my choice.

Goodguy,<P>Yes, the W deserves to know. I could not live with myself keeping that knowledge to myself. When you tell her, bring as much proof as possible, but don't give it to her unless she asks for it. She may believe you, who knows? I don't suggest the anonymous route, however. One should always own one's own words. You have nothing to be ashamed of in telling the W of her H's duplicity. If your W has problems with it, let her stew. Doing what is right comes first and foremost. Even before marriage. There are certain things I will not do for my H. And lying - or keeping a secret, such as the knowledge of an affair - is not something that is negotiable.<P>Please be kind to her. Remember how you felt when you first found out. Good luck!<P>belld<P>PS. to S&L: It's quite obvious what is wrong with your marriage: you care too much about someone else's W and not enough about your own.

sad_and_lonely-<P>I am so very glad you are NOT the other half in my life! I am afraid you wouldn't be the one making all the decisions-I wouldn't keep you around with the at5titude you have.<P>It appears very clear to me that you DO NOT CARE about much other than your own well being in this matter.<P>I feel sorry for your W-big time!!!!<P>Good luck-you are going to need it.<P>------------------<BR>*heartache*<P>"Life's A Dance<BR>You Learn As You Go.<BR>Sometimes You Lead<BR>Sometimes You Follow!<BR>Don't worry 'Bout What You Don't Know<BR>LIfe's A Dance <BR>You Learn As You Go."