It's been about two weeks since d-day. After discovering my affair, my H moved into the spare bedroom. He is quitting his job and has decided to embark upon the project of starting his (our) own business. This is a thing we have always talked and dreamed about. But I just can't help but wonder, is this the right time do put that kind of stress on our marriage?! I certainly want to be supportive, but I am very worried about this. My husband has admitted an EA with a woman at his job that contributed to the decay of our marriage, which in turn led to MY EA/PA with a co-worker. (I wrote in depth about his EA in a previous post entitled "His Affair.")<P>Aside from not being affectionate toward me in the least (what else could I expect?), my H is showing every indication that he plans to stay together. However, all he talks about is plans for the business he wants to start (an advertising, design and copywriting business). He talks in earnest about these things, but has not brought up my affair at all since d-day. I'm just wondering what he plans to do? Are we ever going to discuss anything? Where do we begin to rebuild our marriage? I'm so afraid to bring anything up myself. I've just been letting things go, trying to give him space, hoping at some point he will want to talk about our relationship and where we go from here. But he doesn't talk about ANYTHING related to this. He has not officially quit his job, but is takign all his vacation time now (three weeks) and then telling them he's leaving after he's gotten all his paid time. So, since I only work part-time, we are together A LOT these days. The silence is deafening. He has designed stationery and business cards for us, is making calls to potential clients, but no word about our relationship.<P>My question is: What should I do?? I have completely filled out an Emotional Needs Questionaire and printed out a blank copy for him to complete. But is this a good time to broach this subject?! I mean, how can he even answer the questions about need for sex or affection when he is SO NOT WANTING to be close to me right now? Should I wait awhile? If so, how long? Is his avoidance of talking about our relationship just part of how he's dealing with the shock/pain/confusion? He's always been an introverted person who doesn't show his feelings easily. But this is so weird...it's almost like he's acting like nothing happened, except for now we're sleeping apart. Please tell me what to do, this is not what I expected to happen. But then, I don't know WHAT I did expect to be honest...<BR>

Calla,<P>Correct me if I am wrong, are you still uncertain whether you want to be married? If you are then you need to be sorting that out first. If you are certain, then what would you like to see in your future marriage to your H?<P>I would suggest that you think about this abit. Why? Well, let me suggest that rather than talk about the A, which just might have your H scared to death, talk about the future.<P>If I were in your position I would ask him a few simple questions.<P>1. What do you see for our future??<P>2. How do you foresee us working together in this new business? For example, do I have a role in it?<P>3. Is there anything you need me to do? Do not specify do (about marriage, affair, etc), just do in general.<P>Just reading your post, which I realize doesn't represent his view of things I will offer you my speculation.<P>1. He is taking a large part of the blame. People with low self-esteem often do that.<P>2. He feels he is inadequate to compare to OM, so he is avoiding it and hoping you will stay with him. I suspect he has decided that you chose OM because he is superior, so what is there to talk about?<P>3. He is simply so confused, hurt, and at a loss as to what to do, that he doesn't know how to start a conversation on this topic.<P>As you can tell, all of these guess are very similar, but contain slightly different balances of guilt, loss of self-esteem, and hopelessness. Not to mention depression.<P>So why is he starting a business now? Why don't you ask him? Maybe he feels he has nothing left to lose so why not now.<P>I would definitely begin the dialogue with him by discussing the future, not the past. It is where he seems to be living right now,so join him there. Then I suspect that the past will become a topic as the pain resides, and he feels there is a chance for the marriage. I am not convinced that him including you, means he is sure you want to be with him.<P>Hope this helps.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

<B>Calla</B>,<P>What do you think of what <B>JL</B> wrote????<P>Gonna try this??<P>Keep us posted... and I sure couldn't add a thing to what he's written -- good stuff, <B>JL</B>!